sorry, friends. it's been a while, i know. and after i promised to try harder, even.
it's been a long and tiring few weeks. i've been sick, the d-o-double-g has been sick, i've been traveling... lots of things not conducive to getting one's shit together. i've gone backwards in every way - more weight, more debt. i feel like a Perpetual Failure, and it's exhausting. i'm so tired of starting each new week thinking, THIS week will be different! THIS week i'll eat well, and exercise, and only buy things in cash... THIS week i'll finally gain some ground and get this shit TOGETHER!
ugh.
but i guess you can't ever just give up, can you. i mean, you CAN, but then you end up weighing 650 pounds and losing your house (along with the rest of your shit). and that doesn't seem like an option. somehow hope springs eternal, week after week, and i feel determined and optimistic all over again, despite the prior evidence which suggests that this week, too, will end in failure. but i honestly can't help thinking that one of these days, it's going to click, and i'm going to turn into the person that i've always wanted to be, and leave this strange self behind.
so let's see, let's catch up on the last few weeks. i got a strange lump in my throat that required multiple doctor visits, medications, and a CT scan, and which turned out to be (very thankfully) nothing serious. the pup broke a couple teeth, and then got a urinary tract infection, pancreatitis, and giardia (all on the same day) (it was an ugly night). between her vet bills and my copays and deductibles and what have you, we racked up around $1500 between us. but she's healthy and happy now, as am i, so it's well worth it from my perspective.
though i will say that the stress of having a sick pet, and the uncertainty of my own situation, along with a week of travel for work, caused me to go back to old habits of self soothing with snacks.
so here we are, a few weeks later. my weight this morning is 203. my financial situation is worse than before, though i don't know the exact numbers at the moment (and don't feel like looking it up). the one positive thing is that i got a couple of balance transfer offers, and was able to move some of the money around so that most of the credit card balances are now at 0% for a while. so that's at least a little victory.
i was talking to my mother a few weeks back about the whole money situation. i told her i need a patron saint, so she found me one. well actually, she found me five. i'm pleased to introduce you to my new friends, ivo, lawrence, matthew, nicholas, and roch. they are pretty cool guys, by all accounts, helping the poor and what have you. i've been talking to them every day, which is kind of strange seeing as how 1) i'm not catholic, and was thus raised to believe talking to saints was heretical and 2) they're dead. but i believe that being dead doesn't mean you cease to exist, so why does it mean you can't talk to someone? and i also am not PRAYING to them, just talking to them, so what harm is there in that? anyway i talk to them all, every day, and ask them to pray on my behalf. strength in numbers, for one thing, and also, these are people who pleased God in their lives and in their deaths, and perhaps He'll be favorably inclined toward them. anyway i've been praying a lot, and asking the saints for prayer, and here are a couple of things that have happened...
when i got back from california last week, there was a letter in the mail from a church in oklahoma. it was one of those mass-mailing things, not addressed to me personally, but no one else in my neighborhood who i know received one. anyway the letter told me of God's coming blessings for me, and enclosed was a paper prayer rug, that i was instructed to kneel upon as i prayed and presented my requests to God. this is the kind of hokey thing that i would normally just discard, but this time i was thinking, how do we know the ways of God? i've been praying for help, and who am i to say in what form that help should come? so i prayed on the rug, and then mailed it back to the church as instructed, along with my prayer requests. the people at the church will also pray for me.
so there's that.
then here's another thing. i had a job interview. (note: i think we can all agree that my financial situation is not going to just magically get better on its own - i'm either going to need to spend less money (not feasible, apparently), or make more money. and based on my history with my current job (almost 6 years there, no promotion, no opportunity for growth), it doesn't look like that's going to happen here. so i need another job, and wouldn't you know it, along comes an opportunity. a Big one). this job is one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to make a serious impact with a remarkable organization. it would be a big step up for me, a real chance to learn and grow and be seriously challenged. i'm so excited about the possibility... but. (isn't there always a but?). but... the job is in phoenix. yup. phoenix. which is a lovely place, i'm sure (it's a dry heat). but man. i just got back to denver, back where i feel at home, back where my parents and friends and mountains and sun are. after the last few years, of tumult and moving and hope and heartbreak- i finally feel like i'm home, and can put down roots and start again. so phoenix? it's not what i want. it's not what i had planned.
and then i have to think, you know, me doing the things i want, and the things i plan, doesn't seem to be working out so well. i'm 35, and broke, and fat, and alone... my own ideas and plans keep turning to shit.
so once again i have to say, maybe it's time to see where the prayers and the universe will lead me. i'm hoping and praying that some other option will present itself (and let's not get TOO ahead of ourselves, it was a job interview, not an offer), but i'm not going to say no, when i'm praying for a solution and surprising things show up.
so i'll keep you posted on that. and i'll ask for YOUR prayers too, while i'm at it - you and the saints probably have some serious firepower.
so back to the fat (not back fat, which i also have. gross). anyway, i'm back up into the 200's, which makes me want to spit. i joined a new gym very briefly (long enough to go to one workout, and then to be told the location in my neighborhood is closing) and then quit. it's for the best, even though i loved it - i can't afford it, and wasn't one of the reasons i bought this condo in the first place the fact that the building has a gym in the basement? yes, yes it was. anyway. no new gym, but i am going to try to run a bit more. and ride my bike (side note, i did a couple of great rides in california, which makes me want to live there. but then again, who DOESN'T want to live in monterey?). AND i'm doing a new diet starting tomorrow - don't the martha's vineyard diet detox. 21 days of no chewing, is what it boils down to. lots of green drink and berry antioxidant drink, and pureed vegetable soup, and some interesting "cleansing" capsules. have any of you ever done a detox or cleanse? i never have. so i'm interested to see how it will go! i like green drink but am not sure if i like it three times a day for three weeks. we shall see.
well i think that pretty much catches us up, right? one step forward, a step or two back. but i'm focusing on the forward, and being hopeful, and being thankful for my little tribe of cheerleaders.
love to you all.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
sick... again
sitting at home tonight, feeling like crap, on round, what, like 5? of antibiotics since moving to denver. this time i've got a swollen thing in my throat that caused my doctor to say, huh, i've never seen anything like THAT before. which is exactly what you WANT to hear, when you go to the doctor.
so i'm feeling sorry for myself, which generally equates to, stuffing myself sick. yesterday was 1) a going away day (it wasn't really a party, it was just donuts) for a colleague, followed by 2) an anniversary party for my boss (involving an enormous cake) and followed by 3) an anniversary dinner at a fabulous restaurant (complete with dessert). i ate more yesterday than i probably ate in the entire week preceding. then today i ate three gigantic cookies. so i'm deciding NOT to get on the scale in the morning.
i feel so tired, and beat down. early to bed tonight, and hoping for a brighter day tomorrow.
in other (and supremely more important) news, my sweet friend goldielocks lost her beloved aunt this past weekend. she's so sad- we're all so sad for her and with her. death is never gentle- it wrecks your heart every time. and it never fails to remind you of what's really important- namely, the people in your life, and the experiences you share with them. my weight, and the balance of my bank account, are not truly the measures of my life, and are not the things that will be remembered when i am gone. while i strive to get my sh!t together, i also want to strive to be a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better auntie. my thoughts and prayers are with goldie, and my love is with you all.
sweet dreams...
so i'm feeling sorry for myself, which generally equates to, stuffing myself sick. yesterday was 1) a going away day (it wasn't really a party, it was just donuts) for a colleague, followed by 2) an anniversary party for my boss (involving an enormous cake) and followed by 3) an anniversary dinner at a fabulous restaurant (complete with dessert). i ate more yesterday than i probably ate in the entire week preceding. then today i ate three gigantic cookies. so i'm deciding NOT to get on the scale in the morning.
i feel so tired, and beat down. early to bed tonight, and hoping for a brighter day tomorrow.
in other (and supremely more important) news, my sweet friend goldielocks lost her beloved aunt this past weekend. she's so sad- we're all so sad for her and with her. death is never gentle- it wrecks your heart every time. and it never fails to remind you of what's really important- namely, the people in your life, and the experiences you share with them. my weight, and the balance of my bank account, are not truly the measures of my life, and are not the things that will be remembered when i am gone. while i strive to get my sh!t together, i also want to strive to be a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better auntie. my thoughts and prayers are with goldie, and my love is with you all.
sweet dreams...
Sunday, April 1, 2012
well sh!t
wow so THAT resolution went well.
sorry about that, folks. this past week was a bit crazy, and i didn't blog like i promised i would. man. maybe i need a NEW blog, about getting my sh!t together as a blogger!
so let's see. it was a very busy, very stressful week, but one that ended up ending well.
i got the news from my property manager on monday that the d-o-double-g had been reported again, and that they were going to need me to bring in PROOF of her weight (backstory: my condo has a 35 pound weight limit for pets. i have a 70 pound pet, who i've been trying to pass off as 35 pounds. WHY i would do this is another story entirely). anyway, i got the call, and decided i couldn't perpetuate this deception any longer, and spent a couple of days a) in a full blown meltdown about losing the pup and b) steeling my nerves to go tell the truth to the property manager.
(you may or may not know what daisy means to me - she was with me through a tough marriage, and the falling-apart thereof, with me in my first-ever living-alone apartment, with me on a cross country move for a new relationship, with me in a strange city where i had no friends but massive personal upheaval, and with me when i hung my head (and my heart) and moved back across the country, to yet another living-alone home. she's been my shoulder to cry on for many tear-filled nights, by best buddy on early morning walks, she's listened to all my hopes and dreams, and she's never once not been beside herself with joy when i come home. if a dog can be a soul mate, she's mine.)
anyway i spent some days and sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do - i cried more this past week than i have in months. losing her means losing a part of myself that i'm not ready to give up.
so, long story short, i sat down with the property manager, told her the truth, braced myself for the worst... and got kindness and compassion where i was expecting anger and judgment. how about that? she was so understanding, and more angry at the person who complained about me than she was at me for breaking the rules. the end result is ultimately the same - namely, daisy can't stay here, but she is giving me all the time i need to figure it out (and even offered to "pet-share" daisy with me, part time at her house and part time at mine!). i still can hardly believe it. (note to self - be kinder and more forgiving than people expect)
so that explains my evenings - more full of angst than of blogging. i hope you forgive me.
but i also had some awesome times this week - i got free tickets to see jewel in concert (and even got the meet & greet passes, so i got my photo with her) and had the greatest date night ever with my girl ACE. my new book club had its first formal meeting, and we're reading the book i chose (whose (gorgeous) author i got to meet and listen to read earlier in the week) (gods without men, by hari kunzru, if you'd like to read along). i rode my bike to work 4 out of 5 days, did a 10 mile run yesterday, rode my bike today... and i learned some lessons about receiving love in unexpected ways from good friends. so all in all, it was a good week.
(oh and i ALSO discovered the greatest breakfast EVER - smoothies :o) 8 oz skim milk, 1 scoop vanilla whey powder, strawberries, frozen cherries, frozen peaches. Yow wow. no sugar, you'll notice, but SO INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS).
ok quick inventory: weight this morning was 195.5. i hope by next weeked i'll be at that magical number of 194 which will equal my first 20 pounds lost...
finances- nothing new to report. BUT i have a real financial question that i want your help with - please seriously think about this and give me your advice:
so my options with the dog are 1) give her away, 2) share her or 3) move somewhere where we can both live. i honestly can't imagine not having her with me, so i'm strongly considering #3. i'm thinking about moving out, renting out my condo, and living someplace else for the next year (or longer). i can probably find a relatively cheap apartment in the neighborhood, and if i can rent my current place out furnished, i bet i can rent it for about $1500 (possibly more?) per month, which would cover my mortgage and hoa. then if i found a cheaper place, i could actually make a profit with the condo, and use that money toward my debt. challenges would be obvious - namely, moving, but i have a few offers of furniture already, and i'm sure i could round up plenty of friends to help with the logistics... so it doesn't seem impossible. also, i feel like i'm in a much better place emotionally, where being in my beautiful and safe and and OWNED home isn't as critical to my well-being as it was when i moved in, so i feel like i can live in a smaller rental place and be much more ok with it that i would have been earlier. also i'm not SELLING the condo, obviously, so i'd still get the tax benefits etc.
it makes me incredibly nervous, leaving my stuff in a place where strangers will sit on my couch and sleep on my bed and put their things on my shelves. but ultimately, it's just stuff, right? but i have so much OTHER stuff, i wonder where i will keep all the things like books etc if i'm in a small place. will i have to get a storage unit? but my housing line item is the largest in my budget- cutting that in half would be HUGE in helping me get my financial sh!t together. there are pros and cons... please help me think through it!
(also, just for the record, i KNOW i should have thought this through earlier, like before i got the condo in the first place. i've berated myself enough about that already, and need to just figure out how best to move forward now, all things being what they are.)
of course my FIRST choice would be to keep daisy here with me, and not move, so if you're the praying type, you might offer that (seemingly impossible) request up on my behalf.
(also, in related news, we go back to the vet a week from tomorrow to re-check bloodwork- some sketchy results last time suggest all kinds of unpleasant possibilities. fingers and paws crossed that the medicine she's been on for the past 3 weeks has helped. if it hasn't, and it turns out she's sick, that may impact the situation as well).
thanks for your help, and for cheering me on... daisy says thanks too ;o)
sorry about that, folks. this past week was a bit crazy, and i didn't blog like i promised i would. man. maybe i need a NEW blog, about getting my sh!t together as a blogger!
so let's see. it was a very busy, very stressful week, but one that ended up ending well.
i got the news from my property manager on monday that the d-o-double-g had been reported again, and that they were going to need me to bring in PROOF of her weight (backstory: my condo has a 35 pound weight limit for pets. i have a 70 pound pet, who i've been trying to pass off as 35 pounds. WHY i would do this is another story entirely). anyway, i got the call, and decided i couldn't perpetuate this deception any longer, and spent a couple of days a) in a full blown meltdown about losing the pup and b) steeling my nerves to go tell the truth to the property manager.
(you may or may not know what daisy means to me - she was with me through a tough marriage, and the falling-apart thereof, with me in my first-ever living-alone apartment, with me on a cross country move for a new relationship, with me in a strange city where i had no friends but massive personal upheaval, and with me when i hung my head (and my heart) and moved back across the country, to yet another living-alone home. she's been my shoulder to cry on for many tear-filled nights, by best buddy on early morning walks, she's listened to all my hopes and dreams, and she's never once not been beside herself with joy when i come home. if a dog can be a soul mate, she's mine.)
anyway i spent some days and sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do - i cried more this past week than i have in months. losing her means losing a part of myself that i'm not ready to give up.
so, long story short, i sat down with the property manager, told her the truth, braced myself for the worst... and got kindness and compassion where i was expecting anger and judgment. how about that? she was so understanding, and more angry at the person who complained about me than she was at me for breaking the rules. the end result is ultimately the same - namely, daisy can't stay here, but she is giving me all the time i need to figure it out (and even offered to "pet-share" daisy with me, part time at her house and part time at mine!). i still can hardly believe it. (note to self - be kinder and more forgiving than people expect)
so that explains my evenings - more full of angst than of blogging. i hope you forgive me.
but i also had some awesome times this week - i got free tickets to see jewel in concert (and even got the meet & greet passes, so i got my photo with her) and had the greatest date night ever with my girl ACE. my new book club had its first formal meeting, and we're reading the book i chose (whose (gorgeous) author i got to meet and listen to read earlier in the week) (gods without men, by hari kunzru, if you'd like to read along). i rode my bike to work 4 out of 5 days, did a 10 mile run yesterday, rode my bike today... and i learned some lessons about receiving love in unexpected ways from good friends. so all in all, it was a good week.
(oh and i ALSO discovered the greatest breakfast EVER - smoothies :o) 8 oz skim milk, 1 scoop vanilla whey powder, strawberries, frozen cherries, frozen peaches. Yow wow. no sugar, you'll notice, but SO INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS).
ok quick inventory: weight this morning was 195.5. i hope by next weeked i'll be at that magical number of 194 which will equal my first 20 pounds lost...
finances- nothing new to report. BUT i have a real financial question that i want your help with - please seriously think about this and give me your advice:
so my options with the dog are 1) give her away, 2) share her or 3) move somewhere where we can both live. i honestly can't imagine not having her with me, so i'm strongly considering #3. i'm thinking about moving out, renting out my condo, and living someplace else for the next year (or longer). i can probably find a relatively cheap apartment in the neighborhood, and if i can rent my current place out furnished, i bet i can rent it for about $1500 (possibly more?) per month, which would cover my mortgage and hoa. then if i found a cheaper place, i could actually make a profit with the condo, and use that money toward my debt. challenges would be obvious - namely, moving, but i have a few offers of furniture already, and i'm sure i could round up plenty of friends to help with the logistics... so it doesn't seem impossible. also, i feel like i'm in a much better place emotionally, where being in my beautiful and safe and and OWNED home isn't as critical to my well-being as it was when i moved in, so i feel like i can live in a smaller rental place and be much more ok with it that i would have been earlier. also i'm not SELLING the condo, obviously, so i'd still get the tax benefits etc.
it makes me incredibly nervous, leaving my stuff in a place where strangers will sit on my couch and sleep on my bed and put their things on my shelves. but ultimately, it's just stuff, right? but i have so much OTHER stuff, i wonder where i will keep all the things like books etc if i'm in a small place. will i have to get a storage unit? but my housing line item is the largest in my budget- cutting that in half would be HUGE in helping me get my financial sh!t together. there are pros and cons... please help me think through it!
(also, just for the record, i KNOW i should have thought this through earlier, like before i got the condo in the first place. i've berated myself enough about that already, and need to just figure out how best to move forward now, all things being what they are.)
of course my FIRST choice would be to keep daisy here with me, and not move, so if you're the praying type, you might offer that (seemingly impossible) request up on my behalf.
(also, in related news, we go back to the vet a week from tomorrow to re-check bloodwork- some sketchy results last time suggest all kinds of unpleasant possibilities. fingers and paws crossed that the medicine she's been on for the past 3 weeks has helped. if it hasn't, and it turns out she's sick, that may impact the situation as well).
thanks for your help, and for cheering me on... daisy says thanks too ;o)
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