it's been a week since i've posted, and honestly i thought i was the only one who was aware of that fact, until earlier today when someone said, i should post more frequently, because when i don't, it causes them to lose motivation.
bwaaaa hahahahahahaha!
true story, actually.
i'm surprised, and pleased, that someone other than myself derives some benefit from this blog. i have several friends who also blog, and it makes me feel pretty self-absorbed and narcissistic, since they blog about things like dogs having cancer and the application of the multi-sport lifestyle to life in general. all i care about is fat and money. sigh.
but anyway, the part that was most interesting to me, aside from someone noticing that i haven't posted lately, was the fact that it provides some form of motivation to someone else. i know that this person isn't facing the same challenges that i am, but perhaps there are correlations to facing other challenges.
anyway, far be it from me to deny someone their motivation, so i'll be a better blogger from now on.
the scale today said 197.0, which means i've lost 17 pounds since january 1. and i don't even have the stomach flu! pretty psyched about that. i don't feel a ton different, nor do i notice anything fun like old clothes fitting, but the numbers on the scale reinforce that my hard work is making a quantifiable difference, even if i don't feel it.
i did an 8 mile run with std yesterday (notice i did not say, i ran 8 miles yesterday. there were 8 miles, and i covered them on foot. close enough). std ran the whole way, and i have to say, she is awesome. this is a girl who, until we started training for this half marathon, had never run more than 3 miles at a time. i am SO proud of her! i am having nothing at all to do with her success, by the way, other than coercing her into signing up for the race- but it is SO AWESOME to see someone take on a new challenge and totally rock it. i LOVE that she has never run this far before, and is completely smoking me! it makes me think, who knows what we are capable of? what challenges are out there that i've never tackled, that i just might be awesome at??
i bought a new book on friday night (mom and i WERE going to go to a movie, but when we got there we discovered that the film was no longer at that theater, and should we drivedrivedrive across town to the OTHER theater, or just go to the bookstore? nuff said). my book is called, "this is why you're fat." ha! i love it. the basic reasons are, 1. sugar, 2. hormones, and 3. organ toxicity. the plan for correcting those things is pretty basic- being very consicentious about what you eat, cutting out all sugars and sweeteners, limiting alcohol and the other things that tax your liver. i haven't gotten very far in the book, but it really strikes a chord with what i've been thinking lately. i've been really good about not eating sugar most of the time, and i now notice that when i do eat it, i can instantly tell. it gives me a searing headache and makes me miserable for hours. not worth it.
in other fat news, the weather is AWESOME and it's so nice to be outside! for the next few days our parking garage at home will be closed so my car is parked further away... and so i'm going to be riding my bike to work. and i've got lunch time walks now scheduled into my calendar, so i'm hoping to make that happen a few times a week. i think i have to give up on the p90x - i did it for 8 or 9 days but man, it's hard, and waking up early to do it was killer. i think if i can focus on some exercise that i actually enjoy (more bike riding!) i'm more likely to actually do it.
i financial news, i made more bad decisions today. i bought a chair for my balcony and some new bike gear. none of it ABSOLUTELY necessary, but all contributing to my happiness. those are the hard decisions to make, i have to confess. i know i should choose in favor of financial health and long term consequences... i don't always make the best choice.
tonight i'm hanging out at home, doors open, chilling with the d-o-double-g, and resting up for another busy week. sending you all much love and LOTS of motivation ;o)
thanks for cheering me on!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
my tea is changing my life
i've been drinking green tea at work instead of coffee for the past few weeks. i love it - it tastes good and has the double benefit of making me feel like i'm doing something good for myself. plus the coffee at the office is REVOLTING so it's not exactly a sacrifice to switch to tea.
however, that's not the part that's life changing. we have celestial seasonings tea at work, and you may know that each tea bag is attached to a little string with a little tag (to facilitate the fishing-out of said tea bag from your mug after steeping), and the little tags are all printed with pithy sayings. well this week i had two different tea bags that spoke directly to me.
the first:
"great minds have purposes, others have wishes." - washington irving
the timing of this was so interesting - it coincided with another blogger's post about living with intention- and it really made me think. in regard to these two issues that i'm considering in this blog - do i simply WISH to lose weight, and to be in control of my finances? or am i PURPOSING to change these parts of my life?
it's so easy to wish for things to change- to daydream about a different way of living, to fantasize about what it would be like to be skinny and rich... but it's a different thing entirely to WORK for change. to make conscious, intentional choices, to keep your ultimate goals in mind despite the infinite number of desires and opporutnities that would derail you. it's a whole new kind of discipline- reining in your impulses in deference to the higher good. so i've been thinking about that a lot, and trying to be more thoughtful and intentional in ALL areas of my life, not just these two.
tea bag inspiration #2:
"who, being loved, is poor?" - oscar wilde
isn't that true? a reminder to not just consider wealth in terms of the balance of my checking account - but to remember and be grateful for the many people who fill my life with love, hope, and happiness. there are many rich but lonely people in the world, and i wouldn't change places with them.
i count you among those people, dear readers. thanks for cheering me on!
however, that's not the part that's life changing. we have celestial seasonings tea at work, and you may know that each tea bag is attached to a little string with a little tag (to facilitate the fishing-out of said tea bag from your mug after steeping), and the little tags are all printed with pithy sayings. well this week i had two different tea bags that spoke directly to me.
the first:
"great minds have purposes, others have wishes." - washington irving
the timing of this was so interesting - it coincided with another blogger's post about living with intention- and it really made me think. in regard to these two issues that i'm considering in this blog - do i simply WISH to lose weight, and to be in control of my finances? or am i PURPOSING to change these parts of my life?
it's so easy to wish for things to change- to daydream about a different way of living, to fantasize about what it would be like to be skinny and rich... but it's a different thing entirely to WORK for change. to make conscious, intentional choices, to keep your ultimate goals in mind despite the infinite number of desires and opporutnities that would derail you. it's a whole new kind of discipline- reining in your impulses in deference to the higher good. so i've been thinking about that a lot, and trying to be more thoughtful and intentional in ALL areas of my life, not just these two.
tea bag inspiration #2:
"who, being loved, is poor?" - oscar wilde
isn't that true? a reminder to not just consider wealth in terms of the balance of my checking account - but to remember and be grateful for the many people who fill my life with love, hope, and happiness. there are many rich but lonely people in the world, and i wouldn't change places with them.
i count you among those people, dear readers. thanks for cheering me on!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
long week
well the last post was a bit of a downer, i have to admit. that song is one that has run through my head many times over many years (the words, not the tune- the tune is awful, i'm sorry to say. totally un-singable). i know it's not exactly cheerful but honestly, i don't always feel cheerful, and sometimes you just have to accept that you feel terrible, and lie there and feel it and rehearse all the sad songs you know, and then finally you just go to bed, and in the morning things are a little easier.
i have really hard days sometimes. dark days that come out of nowhere, with no obvious cause. days when all you can do is just put your head down and muscle through. i'm sure you all do too. it's easier not to talk about it, though, pretend everything is fine, but what's the point of having a put-it-all-out-there blog if you're just going to gloss over the tough stuff?
anyway it was a long week. really depressed monday night. tuesday night i had a disappointingly hard 2 mile run in the park, followed by a very fun evening out with a new friend (female, don't get too excited). wednesday evening i got sick, so i stayed home from work on thursday (spent pretty much 36 hours straight in bed, which was actually not bad). and then friday i didn't have anything on the calendar at work, so i stayed home that day too, and got some more sleep and got a few other errands done too. today was 70 degrees, so gorgeous, and i painted in the morning (yes, i am a painter. i paint) walked the d-o-double-g for a bit (more on that in a moment) and then went to my friend std's house for her son's 1st birthday party (unbearably cute). now i'm home, resting up for my run in the morning.
so let's assess the current status of my various situations.
what shall we start with? fat, you say? alright. first of all, this week i discovered the greatest weight-loss method of all time. it's called gastrointestinal distress, and boy howdy, it works. briefly, but for those few brief moments, it's a sight to behold. after not eating for about 40 hours, i stepped on the scale to see a beautiful sight: 197.5. it was like a summer love- so sweet, so beautiful... but i knew it wouldn't last. we'll see what it is tomorrow. (it's a little depressing to me that 197.5 is something to get excited about. i remember the day when that was something to panic about. sigh.). anyway, my p90x routine was interrupted by illness, but i'm planning to pick up where i left off on monday morning. not tomorrow, because tomorrow i have a fun run planned with my buddy goldie locks- the runnin' of the green - the country's largest 7k race. i've got my green outfit all picked out (if you know me, you know i probably spend more time coordinating my running outfits that i do actually running. i figure, even if you suck at something, you can at least look good doing it). in terms of eating, i've been doing AWESOME with the no sugar thing. i did have some birthday cake at the party today (what kind of sociopath doesn't have cake at a 1 year old's party?? not THIS kind of sociopath, i can tell you). so i'm feeling good about that.
ok finances. this is not so good.
where to start. ok, so sticking to my budget is proving to be pretty stinking hard. for one thing, i run out of food at approximately the same time i run out of money. then i'm left with 6 dollars and 10 days before pay day. so i resort to the credit card. and then, i love races so much, i can't stop myself from signing up for them... but they cost money and guess what, it goes on the credit card. AAAARRGGGHHH!! then there are things like book stores (so dangerous) and target (even worse) and visits to the vet... i hate this! i hate feeling so stuck. tonight i was asked out to dinner with friends after the party, but i had to come up with some excuse not to go, because i don't have $25 to go to dinner. in fact, right now i have exactly $52.64 in the bank, and 13 days until pay day. i have probably 6 dinners in the freezer, half a box of cereal and some milk, and that's about it. so i need to feed myself for the next two weeks, plus pay for ANYTHING ELSE that might come up (laundry, outings with friends, parking, etc) with $52. i know it's not impossible, and that most people in the world get by on much less, but sheesh.
so while we're feeling sorry for ourselves, let's do an update on the current credit card balances. we haven't glanced at those in a while:
$9,412- citi
$5,500 - citi (2)
$16,589 - capital 1
$31,501 - total
wow, so in two months, i've managed to pay off an entire $91. clearly this plan isn't working. is it time to panic yet? i feel like panicking.
oh but wait, let's ADD to the panic.
so i took the d-o-double-g to the vet earlier this week. she's developed a pretty severe limp and so i took her in to get checked out. well the vet couldn't find anything wrong with her leg BUT she did find that a) she has a "slab fracture" in one of her teeth, and b) she has wonky calcium and alkaline phosphatase enzyme levels in her blood. awesome. so i ponied up the $80 for the canine SAMe prescription, and made an appointment to go back in 4 weeks for the tooth extraction, which they will do IF her enzyme levels are back to normal. if they DO do the extraction, it will cost me about $480. if they DON'T, it will mean she has something (as yet unidentified) pretty wrong with her, which will undoubtedly cost me WAY MORE than $480.
what's a girl to do? what if daisy has something awful wrong with her (note to self, don't ask the vet what the worst case scenario is, unless you're sure you want to know. trust me, you don't want to know) - how much more do i go into debt for my puppy?? i can't really even bear to think about it, let alone write about it. because of course, you do absolutely everything possible, right??
holy crap.
can i panic now?
i've got 3 and a half months to get my shit together.
ok i'm doing everything i can think of. i need to make more, and spend less. i've got my job, and my other job (yay R+F!) and my OTHER other job (did i tell you about that one? neighborhood house-sitting service, as yet mostly un-marketed). i'm going to take my credit cards out of my wallet so i can't use them anymore. i'm going to call at&t on monday and find out how i can lower my cell phone bill. i've been googling "eat well on $25 a week" and "secrets of selling your soul to the devil." what else?? here's where i need your advice friends - i'm verging on serious meltdown.
ok. time to change the clocks, take the poor lame puppy outside, and go to bed. thanks for cheering me on...
i have really hard days sometimes. dark days that come out of nowhere, with no obvious cause. days when all you can do is just put your head down and muscle through. i'm sure you all do too. it's easier not to talk about it, though, pretend everything is fine, but what's the point of having a put-it-all-out-there blog if you're just going to gloss over the tough stuff?
anyway it was a long week. really depressed monday night. tuesday night i had a disappointingly hard 2 mile run in the park, followed by a very fun evening out with a new friend (female, don't get too excited). wednesday evening i got sick, so i stayed home from work on thursday (spent pretty much 36 hours straight in bed, which was actually not bad). and then friday i didn't have anything on the calendar at work, so i stayed home that day too, and got some more sleep and got a few other errands done too. today was 70 degrees, so gorgeous, and i painted in the morning (yes, i am a painter. i paint) walked the d-o-double-g for a bit (more on that in a moment) and then went to my friend std's house for her son's 1st birthday party (unbearably cute). now i'm home, resting up for my run in the morning.
so let's assess the current status of my various situations.
what shall we start with? fat, you say? alright. first of all, this week i discovered the greatest weight-loss method of all time. it's called gastrointestinal distress, and boy howdy, it works. briefly, but for those few brief moments, it's a sight to behold. after not eating for about 40 hours, i stepped on the scale to see a beautiful sight: 197.5. it was like a summer love- so sweet, so beautiful... but i knew it wouldn't last. we'll see what it is tomorrow. (it's a little depressing to me that 197.5 is something to get excited about. i remember the day when that was something to panic about. sigh.). anyway, my p90x routine was interrupted by illness, but i'm planning to pick up where i left off on monday morning. not tomorrow, because tomorrow i have a fun run planned with my buddy goldie locks- the runnin' of the green - the country's largest 7k race. i've got my green outfit all picked out (if you know me, you know i probably spend more time coordinating my running outfits that i do actually running. i figure, even if you suck at something, you can at least look good doing it). in terms of eating, i've been doing AWESOME with the no sugar thing. i did have some birthday cake at the party today (what kind of sociopath doesn't have cake at a 1 year old's party?? not THIS kind of sociopath, i can tell you). so i'm feeling good about that.
ok finances. this is not so good.
where to start. ok, so sticking to my budget is proving to be pretty stinking hard. for one thing, i run out of food at approximately the same time i run out of money. then i'm left with 6 dollars and 10 days before pay day. so i resort to the credit card. and then, i love races so much, i can't stop myself from signing up for them... but they cost money and guess what, it goes on the credit card. AAAARRGGGHHH!! then there are things like book stores (so dangerous) and target (even worse) and visits to the vet... i hate this! i hate feeling so stuck. tonight i was asked out to dinner with friends after the party, but i had to come up with some excuse not to go, because i don't have $25 to go to dinner. in fact, right now i have exactly $52.64 in the bank, and 13 days until pay day. i have probably 6 dinners in the freezer, half a box of cereal and some milk, and that's about it. so i need to feed myself for the next two weeks, plus pay for ANYTHING ELSE that might come up (laundry, outings with friends, parking, etc) with $52. i know it's not impossible, and that most people in the world get by on much less, but sheesh.
so while we're feeling sorry for ourselves, let's do an update on the current credit card balances. we haven't glanced at those in a while:
$9,412- citi
$5,500 - citi (2)
$16,589 - capital 1
$31,501 - total
wow, so in two months, i've managed to pay off an entire $91. clearly this plan isn't working. is it time to panic yet? i feel like panicking.
oh but wait, let's ADD to the panic.
so i took the d-o-double-g to the vet earlier this week. she's developed a pretty severe limp and so i took her in to get checked out. well the vet couldn't find anything wrong with her leg BUT she did find that a) she has a "slab fracture" in one of her teeth, and b) she has wonky calcium and alkaline phosphatase enzyme levels in her blood. awesome. so i ponied up the $80 for the canine SAMe prescription, and made an appointment to go back in 4 weeks for the tooth extraction, which they will do IF her enzyme levels are back to normal. if they DO do the extraction, it will cost me about $480. if they DON'T, it will mean she has something (as yet unidentified) pretty wrong with her, which will undoubtedly cost me WAY MORE than $480.
what's a girl to do? what if daisy has something awful wrong with her (note to self, don't ask the vet what the worst case scenario is, unless you're sure you want to know. trust me, you don't want to know) - how much more do i go into debt for my puppy?? i can't really even bear to think about it, let alone write about it. because of course, you do absolutely everything possible, right??
holy crap.
can i panic now?
i've got 3 and a half months to get my shit together.
ok i'm doing everything i can think of. i need to make more, and spend less. i've got my job, and my other job (yay R+F!) and my OTHER other job (did i tell you about that one? neighborhood house-sitting service, as yet mostly un-marketed). i'm going to take my credit cards out of my wallet so i can't use them anymore. i'm going to call at&t on monday and find out how i can lower my cell phone bill. i've been googling "eat well on $25 a week" and "secrets of selling your soul to the devil." what else?? here's where i need your advice friends - i'm verging on serious meltdown.
ok. time to change the clocks, take the poor lame puppy outside, and go to bed. thanks for cheering me on...
Monday, March 5, 2012
song of the day
wish i may
i'm losing my love of adventure
i'm losing all respect
for me and myself tonight
i wonder what happens if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isn't a light
i've worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i've worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and i'm stumbling down
the gravel driveway of desire
trying not to wake up
my sleepy self-loathing
do you ever have that dream
when you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you can't make a sound
that's everyday starting now
that's everyday starting now
don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight
it's a stiff competition
to see who can stay up later
the stars or the street lights
and all they really want
is to be alone with the darkness
no more wish i may
no more wish i might
it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel
i don't think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god, i wish i was stronger
this song could never be long enough
to express every longing
god, i wish it was longer...
- ani difranco
i'm losing my love of adventure
i'm losing all respect
for me and myself tonight
i wonder what happens if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isn't a light
i've worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i've worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and i'm stumbling down
the gravel driveway of desire
trying not to wake up
my sleepy self-loathing
do you ever have that dream
when you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you can't make a sound
that's everyday starting now
that's everyday starting now
don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight
it's a stiff competition
to see who can stay up later
the stars or the street lights
and all they really want
is to be alone with the darkness
no more wish i may
no more wish i might
it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel
i don't think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god, i wish i was stronger
this song could never be long enough
to express every longing
god, i wish it was longer...
- ani difranco
Sunday, March 4, 2012
history of the f's
i had a great run with std today - it's about 65 degrees in denver today, with a little breeze... it's pretty amazing. we did (almost) 6 miles, from her house down along cherry creek. it was so beautiful, i (almost) forgot i was suffering running. i couldn't quite make it the full 6, but std was a sport about it and didn't complain that we walked the last 3/4 of a mile home. i love running with her because a) she's awesome and b) she is a stronger runner than i am, so she can keep up a conversation while i am huffing and puffing - it's so much easier to keep going when someone is telling you an interesting story.
so one of our topics of conversation was this blog. she's read it and is a big cheerleader for me and all, but her feedback was that i need to remember to be kind to myself in this process, and acknowledge what i've gone through to get to this place (both good and bad). i didn't just randomly get fat and broke.
so i thought maybe i should back up a bit, and give you a little history, so you have a better understanding of how i got to this place in my life.
so you know i'm 35 and single. well i haven't always been single (nor have i always been 35, i suppose). i got married when i was 21 to my college boyfriend. we'd been dating for a year and a half when he proposed, and got married 10 months later. there are lots of reasons why i thought it was a good idea to get married, which we don't need to get in to, but if you remember being 21, you will likely agree that it is not the best age to get married. anyway, i was pretty unhappy right from the start. we had some really good times together, and he was not a horrible person, but he was not a good husband to me. and i was not a good wife to him. let me also add here that he is a doctor (well he is now- he was a medical student and a resident when we were married. this did not help). one effect of this on our life is that we pretty much threw financial caution to the wind, with the rationale that, well, he's going to be a doctor soon, and we'll have more than enough money to pay off all these debts etc. i went to grad school, took out all the loans i could posisbly take, and we used the leftover money to go on vacations, buy computers, etc etc etc. knowing we were being a bit irresponsible, but also knowing that in a few years his income would be in the 6 figures. so we racked up a lot of debt.
well you already know how this story ends. i hired a lawyer, we got divorced, and suddenly i was faced with the reality of having no where to live (we had a house, but i couldn't afford the mortgage, so he kept it) and being completely overwhelmed with debt. i had my car and my clothes, and a chair and a desk and my books and some bookshelves. and i had to start over. so i moved in with mom and dad while i tried to figure out what to do with myself. (just as an aside - living with your parents when you are in your 30's is pretty depressing, i have to say. they were amazing, and so supportive, but i could barely believe that this is what it had come to- broke, alone, and living in my parents' basement. i joked with friends about living with the mole people - but honestly, that's what it felt like. i was under ground, both physically and emotionally). i eventually found a cute little apartment, and furnished it using my credit cards. what could i do? my pride wouldn't let me stay there any longer. and you have to have plates, right? and glasses, and a microwave, and countless other things that cost money, that you don't have. so fast forward a few years, and i gave away all my things and moved to new york to live with my new boyfriend, spent a lot of money i didn't have to get there, and to sustain our life there, and then to come back with my tail between my legs when it didn't work out, and start over all over again. i don't know if you have ever felt this way... but this was now the second time in my life when a romantic breakup had resulted in me being without a place to live. of course i had places to GO - friends offered to let me stay with them etc, but i couldn't bear to do that again, to be a guest in someone else's house, even my parents'. it was panic, fear, and such deep sadness. i'm a pretty empowered sort of woman, and that feeling of fear and helplessness is something i vowed i would never feel again.
so i bought a condo. it's a beautiful place, and i'm going to own it til the day i die. i don't care if i get married again or not, if i live in this country or in timbuktu... i will always have this place to go home to. this gives me so much comfort and peace, i can't explain it. the security means the world to me.
however, true to form, buying the condo was probably not the wisest FINANCIAL decision, even though it was definitely the best emotional decision. it costs just slightly more than i can afford. i had to borrow money from my sister to furnish it (better than putting it on the credit cards at least!), and make a giant withdrawal from my 403(b) for the downpayment. it was tough, and it will be tough for a while. but man, i sit here on my couch and look around, and i'm SAFE, and i'm in my OWN home, and these things are mine, and I'll never be homeless again.
daisy likes it too.
so all of these things together bring me to the financial situation i am currently in. lots of bad decisions, and also lots of feeling like i had no other options (must buy a set of sheets, must buy groceries). so many times, those things were bought on credit. and the student loans, which are looming... i took out SO much more than i needed, and SO much more than i can repay. i'm ashamed, i regret it, i wish i could change it. but i can't, and i'm committed to paying back what i owe (that always makes me feel like i'm some kind of convict- like i owe a debt to society). it's so HARD but i'm willing to do what i have to do.
so that's the history of f #1 (finances). the history of f #2 (fat) is less complicated. i was unhappy, i got fat, i got happier, i got thinner. i got unhappier, i got fatter. food is so much more than just nutrition. it's a friend when you are lonely, it's a therapist when you are angry, it's company when you're bored... ultimately it's a distraction from the feelings you don't want to feel. over the years there has been a lot of pain and sadness and anger and devastation... eating a cupcake makes it a little more bearable. and food is also a celebration when you're happy- it's what you do when you're home, when you're with your friends and your family, when things feel good and right. i mask the bad feelings with food - i prolong the good feelings with food.
it's one thing to recognize these patterns, it's another thing to change them. i'm trying - to fuel my body, and to feel what i feel.
that is a long post. are you even interested in these things? i don't know. but i am - it's helpful to look back sometimes, and see how far you've come. i'm lonely now - living alone has a lot of great benefits but i really really miss having someone to share my life with. but when i look back, and remember where i was, and what the years have been like- i'm proud to be where i am. and i'll take the fat and the financial ruin as scars, signs that i have fought to stay alive, fought to take care of myself in the only ways i've known how, and i can be thankful that i am here, now, intact both physically and emotionally, and moving forward with my life, making changes, making a new life.
thanks for cheering me on.
so one of our topics of conversation was this blog. she's read it and is a big cheerleader for me and all, but her feedback was that i need to remember to be kind to myself in this process, and acknowledge what i've gone through to get to this place (both good and bad). i didn't just randomly get fat and broke.
so i thought maybe i should back up a bit, and give you a little history, so you have a better understanding of how i got to this place in my life.
so you know i'm 35 and single. well i haven't always been single (nor have i always been 35, i suppose). i got married when i was 21 to my college boyfriend. we'd been dating for a year and a half when he proposed, and got married 10 months later. there are lots of reasons why i thought it was a good idea to get married, which we don't need to get in to, but if you remember being 21, you will likely agree that it is not the best age to get married. anyway, i was pretty unhappy right from the start. we had some really good times together, and he was not a horrible person, but he was not a good husband to me. and i was not a good wife to him. let me also add here that he is a doctor (well he is now- he was a medical student and a resident when we were married. this did not help). one effect of this on our life is that we pretty much threw financial caution to the wind, with the rationale that, well, he's going to be a doctor soon, and we'll have more than enough money to pay off all these debts etc. i went to grad school, took out all the loans i could posisbly take, and we used the leftover money to go on vacations, buy computers, etc etc etc. knowing we were being a bit irresponsible, but also knowing that in a few years his income would be in the 6 figures. so we racked up a lot of debt.
well you already know how this story ends. i hired a lawyer, we got divorced, and suddenly i was faced with the reality of having no where to live (we had a house, but i couldn't afford the mortgage, so he kept it) and being completely overwhelmed with debt. i had my car and my clothes, and a chair and a desk and my books and some bookshelves. and i had to start over. so i moved in with mom and dad while i tried to figure out what to do with myself. (just as an aside - living with your parents when you are in your 30's is pretty depressing, i have to say. they were amazing, and so supportive, but i could barely believe that this is what it had come to- broke, alone, and living in my parents' basement. i joked with friends about living with the mole people - but honestly, that's what it felt like. i was under ground, both physically and emotionally). i eventually found a cute little apartment, and furnished it using my credit cards. what could i do? my pride wouldn't let me stay there any longer. and you have to have plates, right? and glasses, and a microwave, and countless other things that cost money, that you don't have. so fast forward a few years, and i gave away all my things and moved to new york to live with my new boyfriend, spent a lot of money i didn't have to get there, and to sustain our life there, and then to come back with my tail between my legs when it didn't work out, and start over all over again. i don't know if you have ever felt this way... but this was now the second time in my life when a romantic breakup had resulted in me being without a place to live. of course i had places to GO - friends offered to let me stay with them etc, but i couldn't bear to do that again, to be a guest in someone else's house, even my parents'. it was panic, fear, and such deep sadness. i'm a pretty empowered sort of woman, and that feeling of fear and helplessness is something i vowed i would never feel again.
so i bought a condo. it's a beautiful place, and i'm going to own it til the day i die. i don't care if i get married again or not, if i live in this country or in timbuktu... i will always have this place to go home to. this gives me so much comfort and peace, i can't explain it. the security means the world to me.
however, true to form, buying the condo was probably not the wisest FINANCIAL decision, even though it was definitely the best emotional decision. it costs just slightly more than i can afford. i had to borrow money from my sister to furnish it (better than putting it on the credit cards at least!), and make a giant withdrawal from my 403(b) for the downpayment. it was tough, and it will be tough for a while. but man, i sit here on my couch and look around, and i'm SAFE, and i'm in my OWN home, and these things are mine, and I'll never be homeless again.
daisy likes it too.
so all of these things together bring me to the financial situation i am currently in. lots of bad decisions, and also lots of feeling like i had no other options (must buy a set of sheets, must buy groceries). so many times, those things were bought on credit. and the student loans, which are looming... i took out SO much more than i needed, and SO much more than i can repay. i'm ashamed, i regret it, i wish i could change it. but i can't, and i'm committed to paying back what i owe (that always makes me feel like i'm some kind of convict- like i owe a debt to society). it's so HARD but i'm willing to do what i have to do.
so that's the history of f #1 (finances). the history of f #2 (fat) is less complicated. i was unhappy, i got fat, i got happier, i got thinner. i got unhappier, i got fatter. food is so much more than just nutrition. it's a friend when you are lonely, it's a therapist when you are angry, it's company when you're bored... ultimately it's a distraction from the feelings you don't want to feel. over the years there has been a lot of pain and sadness and anger and devastation... eating a cupcake makes it a little more bearable. and food is also a celebration when you're happy- it's what you do when you're home, when you're with your friends and your family, when things feel good and right. i mask the bad feelings with food - i prolong the good feelings with food.
it's one thing to recognize these patterns, it's another thing to change them. i'm trying - to fuel my body, and to feel what i feel.
that is a long post. are you even interested in these things? i don't know. but i am - it's helpful to look back sometimes, and see how far you've come. i'm lonely now - living alone has a lot of great benefits but i really really miss having someone to share my life with. but when i look back, and remember where i was, and what the years have been like- i'm proud to be where i am. and i'll take the fat and the financial ruin as scars, signs that i have fought to stay alive, fought to take care of myself in the only ways i've known how, and i can be thankful that i am here, now, intact both physically and emotionally, and moving forward with my life, making changes, making a new life.
thanks for cheering me on.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
promoted
so my business launch part last night was AWESOME! SO fun. it doesn't hurt that i have the coolest friends EVER who are super supportive of me and this new venture. but we really did have a fun evening - great wine and cheese and snacks (if i do say so myself), and fun sampling products (which makes it sound like we ate them, which we did not). i learned so much from my mentor over the past week or so (thanks goetzgirl!), i felt really confident answering questions and talking about the company and the products. thanks so much to my friends who showed up (or sent snacks!). i'm really excited! and...
I GOT PROMOTED!!
with the success of this one day, i've already moved up to the "executive consultant" level! how exciting is that?? i'm already convinced that i've made the right decision by joining this company - it's fun, i love the products, and i feel like success is within reach. (let's also hope that big bucks are within reach :o) ).
my next goal with the job is to recruit some partners to join me. my homework this weekend is to come up with my "dream team" of people who i'd love to work with... people who i admire, who have a positive outlook, great energy, and are influential in their networks / communities. this should be fun! there are a lot of people i know who fit that description. i can't wait to see who wants to jump on this bandwagon with me!
in fat news (i am still fat), i have completed the first three days of p90x. i'm terrible at it - i can't make it through any of the routines. but i guess that's the point - if i could do it all already i suppose i wouldn't need the workouts! so i'm trying not to be discouraged. my pup daisy has been super supportive too- she's hilarious! every time i lay down on the floor (situps etc) she comes over and licks my face and tries to stand on me. i think she thinks i'm dying (i think the same thing, myself!)
tomorrow is a long run... 4.5 - 6miles, per my half marathon training plan. yow. my furthest run so far is 4 miles, so the idea of going 6 is a bit daunting. my friend std (yup, those are her actual initials) is going to run with me, and that always helps. she is faster than me but we are good running partners. at least i think so. she is probably thinking speed UP!! the entire time, but she never lets on.
in diet news, i gave myself a 24 hour hiatus from the no-sugar regimen so i could enjoy my party, but all i had were a few chocolate covered almonds and some homemade (35 calorie) meringues (wow- thanks std!). i did eat leftover cheese and crackers for breakfast this morning, is that bad? but i really like the no sugar plan. it makes my decisions so much easier. eating no carbs is completely unrealistic (for me) but eating no sugar is somehow easier. i'm being so much more careful about reading labels, and not eating anything that has sugar, or ingredients ending in -ose or -ol. (exception to the rule: my electrolyte drink, which has no sugar, but which does have sorbitol. with all the running and working out, i need an electrolyte replacement beverage (have you seen me sweat?) and rather than taking in a bunch of sugar (gatorade) i discovered the wonders of NUUN - seriously the greatest invention of all time. i drink that stuff like water. well, like kind of salty flavored water.)
so i'm feeling pretty jazzed - and optimistic about the week upcoming! thanks for cheering me on ;o)
I GOT PROMOTED!!
with the success of this one day, i've already moved up to the "executive consultant" level! how exciting is that?? i'm already convinced that i've made the right decision by joining this company - it's fun, i love the products, and i feel like success is within reach. (let's also hope that big bucks are within reach :o) ).
my next goal with the job is to recruit some partners to join me. my homework this weekend is to come up with my "dream team" of people who i'd love to work with... people who i admire, who have a positive outlook, great energy, and are influential in their networks / communities. this should be fun! there are a lot of people i know who fit that description. i can't wait to see who wants to jump on this bandwagon with me!
in fat news (i am still fat), i have completed the first three days of p90x. i'm terrible at it - i can't make it through any of the routines. but i guess that's the point - if i could do it all already i suppose i wouldn't need the workouts! so i'm trying not to be discouraged. my pup daisy has been super supportive too- she's hilarious! every time i lay down on the floor (situps etc) she comes over and licks my face and tries to stand on me. i think she thinks i'm dying (i think the same thing, myself!)
tomorrow is a long run... 4.5 - 6miles, per my half marathon training plan. yow. my furthest run so far is 4 miles, so the idea of going 6 is a bit daunting. my friend std (yup, those are her actual initials) is going to run with me, and that always helps. she is faster than me but we are good running partners. at least i think so. she is probably thinking speed UP!! the entire time, but she never lets on.
in diet news, i gave myself a 24 hour hiatus from the no-sugar regimen so i could enjoy my party, but all i had were a few chocolate covered almonds and some homemade (35 calorie) meringues (wow- thanks std!). i did eat leftover cheese and crackers for breakfast this morning, is that bad? but i really like the no sugar plan. it makes my decisions so much easier. eating no carbs is completely unrealistic (for me) but eating no sugar is somehow easier. i'm being so much more careful about reading labels, and not eating anything that has sugar, or ingredients ending in -ose or -ol. (exception to the rule: my electrolyte drink, which has no sugar, but which does have sorbitol. with all the running and working out, i need an electrolyte replacement beverage (have you seen me sweat?) and rather than taking in a bunch of sugar (gatorade) i discovered the wonders of NUUN - seriously the greatest invention of all time. i drink that stuff like water. well, like kind of salty flavored water.)
so i'm feeling pretty jazzed - and optimistic about the week upcoming! thanks for cheering me on ;o)
Thursday, March 1, 2012
march first
my sister used to work for a company called march first. apparently a lot of significant things have happened on this date in history. and i think they also liked the dual meaning, of the date as well as the injunction.
anyway it's the first day of march, and i hereby declare the offseason OVER. time for spring training! i started things off on the right foot by beginning p90x this morning (oof) and running 3 miles this evening. i also ate no sugar. i've been doing well with that, except on tuesday when a co-worker offered me a chocolate and i popped it in my mouth without thinking, and only THEN realized, eek, i wasn't going to eat sugar. and then yesterday, when i skipped lunch and ran over to the dmv to get emissions tested and vin verification and title and registration and license plates... and was there for FIVE HOURS and all i had in the car for a snack was a half eaten package of stroopwaffels and some craisins. so i ate those. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, i have had no sugar this week, and not even any false sugar either.
and in happy news, the scale was 201.5 this morning! i am thisclose to that magic day when i will be back in the (hmmm... what's the word? not the century... the cent... centile??) anyway, the multiple of hundred in which i belong.
in other happy news, my rodan + fields launch party is tomorrow and i am so excited!! i bought some nice wine and yummy cheese and fruits and things- and my house is CLEAN and i can't wait to have my friends over :o) i wish you all (dear readers) could be here too!
i'm still broke (broker than broke- did you know it cost me $300 to get all that stuff for my car yesterday??) but in also happy news, my sweet friend bought me dinner last night AND lunch today :o) who needs sugar when you have a sugar momma??
time for bed, day 2 of p90x is looming. i am marching first.
cheers!
anyway it's the first day of march, and i hereby declare the offseason OVER. time for spring training! i started things off on the right foot by beginning p90x this morning (oof) and running 3 miles this evening. i also ate no sugar. i've been doing well with that, except on tuesday when a co-worker offered me a chocolate and i popped it in my mouth without thinking, and only THEN realized, eek, i wasn't going to eat sugar. and then yesterday, when i skipped lunch and ran over to the dmv to get emissions tested and vin verification and title and registration and license plates... and was there for FIVE HOURS and all i had in the car for a snack was a half eaten package of stroopwaffels and some craisins. so i ate those. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, i have had no sugar this week, and not even any false sugar either.
and in happy news, the scale was 201.5 this morning! i am thisclose to that magic day when i will be back in the (hmmm... what's the word? not the century... the cent... centile??) anyway, the multiple of hundred in which i belong.
in other happy news, my rodan + fields launch party is tomorrow and i am so excited!! i bought some nice wine and yummy cheese and fruits and things- and my house is CLEAN and i can't wait to have my friends over :o) i wish you all (dear readers) could be here too!
i'm still broke (broker than broke- did you know it cost me $300 to get all that stuff for my car yesterday??) but in also happy news, my sweet friend bought me dinner last night AND lunch today :o) who needs sugar when you have a sugar momma??
time for bed, day 2 of p90x is looming. i am marching first.
cheers!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)