more steps

i did a stair climb today - 56 flights up to the top of the republic plaza in denver.  holy. cow. that is a LOT of stairs.  it was hard, i'm not going to lie.  it took me 19:22 from start to finish...  the fastest woman did it in under 9 minutes.  i had to stop quite a few times to catch my breath- it was HARD!

several things came to mind during the event.  first of all, it was a fundraiser for the american lung association, and i have to tell you, it really helped me understand the struggle that so many people face with asthma or other lung diseases.  although the trek was hard, i knew it was going to end at the top...  i can't imagine struggling to breathe every day.  my sweet grandma lived with COPD in the final years of her life, and it was painful and scary and just simply heartbreaking to watch her constant fight for breath.  i'm grateful for the health and strength that so many wish for.  i never want to take it for granted.  and i don't want to compromise it any further.

secondly, my beautiful and skinny friend did this with me- she works out much less than i do, and hustled up those stairs like it was nobody's business- i know my weight is holding me back from excelling at physical activity.  it was embarrassing, and very humbling. 

on the other hand - doing it slowly is better than not doing it at all, right?  we were all so proud of ourselves at the top - with our medals on and that amazing feeling of accomplishment - i LOVE it!!  (if you know me, you know how i feel about medals - if you don't, i will tell you.  i love them.  i NEED them.  i refuse to participate in an event that doesn't give them out (or else i will provide my own).  i love the weight around my neck, and i love the permanent record of my achievement.  i keep all my medals together, hanging up on a rack in my closet (heck, let's do a photo...  hold please)

they make me so happy.  they are arranged chronologically - you can see my first chicago marathon one on the far left - and they go through the one i earned today on the far right.  they make me proud - but more than that, they remind me of amazing times shared with friends.  each one brings a fond memory to mind and a smile to my face).

anyway.

after i got home from the stair climb (and after the 3 hour nap that followed), i went through my race list for the rest of the year.  i'm already registered for a few (a 7k in 2 weeks, a half marathon in april, another one in july), and there are a LOT more i have on my list.  i LOVE races.  i'm never a contender, i'm a solid middle-of-the-packer.  i never race to win, but i love it nonetheless.  crossing the finish line is one of the greatest feelings in the world, i don't care if i'm first or last (note: i have actually finished last in a race.  it was just as awful as you imagine it would be, with most people gone, and them taking down the tents, and all the bagels being gone...  but i honestly didn't care.  it was the hardest thing i had ever done, and i was SO proud that i finished it.  even if my boyfriend at the time was convinced i was dead in a ditch). 

anyway.  my race list.  there are a lot of things on it, and man, i want to do them well.  i want to be a RUNNER.   i want to be a TRIATHLETE.  i don't want to have to stop and walk.  i don't want to win - but i want to finish strong, i want to not be embarrassed, i want to be proud of my photos at the end.  and i know that to do those things - i need to lose weight.  there aren't a lot of 200+ pound marathoners out there.

so i'm starting again tomorrow.  my plan for the week is to not eat sugar in any form - real or fake.  i'm also going to start p90x on march 1st.  i'm ready to stop feeling like a failure- thanks for cheering me on!

step forward, step back...

this could be the mantra of my life.  i think the actual saying is "two steps forward, one step back" - my version is "one step forward, two steps back..."

anyway i'm still fat.  failed miserably at the no-bread-group idea.  i love carbs so much i just LOVE them and i just can't choose not to say no to them.  weight this morning was 204.  i was so busy this week that i haven't run since monday, and when i went out today with my friend, i made it 3 miles and thought i was going to die.  somehow i am supposed to do a half marathon in 7 weeks - not sure how that is going to happen.  i am so miserable in my body- so uncomfortable and embarrassed.  my clothes (even my fat clothes) look terrible.  i went out with some friends this morning and various photos ended up on facebook- and i am MORTIFIED.  i can't believe that i have turned into the fat girl in pictures.  i hardly recognize myself.  and knowing that so many other people are seeing me like this (ex boyfriend for example) makes me want to crawl in a hole.  i HATE it.  why is this SO HARD??  i know so many things in my life would be better if i were thinner.  but i feel so hopeless about making it happen.  ugh :o(


so anyway, that is my two steps back.  let's talk about my step forward!

in financial news (i told you i would have news!) i have a new job!!  after years of thinking about it, i finally signed on to be in independent consultant with rodan + field dermatologists.  i'm really excited about it.  i had to drain my savings for the initial investment (don't be TOO alarmed, my savings was all of $500) but i feel confident that i can earn that back and then some.  i have a great mentor/coach in the business (thanks goetzgirl!) and i'm crossing my fingers i can make this work.  i don't need a million dollars (like the company's top rep makes!), i just need a few.  so if you've ever thought about getting the best non-prescription anti-aging skincare system on the planet, you are hereby invited to visit my new website: https://sarahk.myrandf.com/.  no pressure ;o)

(p.s. i'm hosting a little wine & cheese party next friday for my business "launch" and i have to say i'm nervous- it's like being in high school again, what if no one comes??)

what else to tell you.  i have no plans for the week upcoming so hopefully i'll be able to get back into my training runs. i am also thinking about starting p90x on march 1st...  but wow 90 days is a long time and double wow, those workouts intimidate me.  plus i think the only time i could commit to doing it would be in the mornings before work and we all know how i feel about getting up early to work out (don't we? in case we don't, let me tell you.  i feel very very badly about it).  but my current regimen of doing very little and hoping that it works isn't turning out to be very effective in the whole losing-weight objective, so perhaps i should just suck it up already.

i'll keep you posted!  cheers-

long run

i did my first "long" run in training this morning - 4 miles.  it didn't feel too bad, surprisingly.  i'm finally realizing that when you run slower than you actually are able to run, you can run longer.  revolutionary, i know.  anyway i knocked that out this morning, and now i'm sitting here with my black cherry chobani,  contemplating the rest of the day.

it's presidents' day (cheers, abe and george) and i have the day off of work.  on my to-do list are run (check) do laundry (scrounging for quarters even as we speak), try on all of my pants to see if any new ones happen to fit (i am sicksicksick of the 4 pairs that currently fit - i've been rotating them for months), write a couple of letters, and get my p90x plan together.  if i were a good person i would also vacuum. 

in fat news, i have to confess that i didn't follow goetzgirl's advice quite as closely as i should have.  i did avoid all bread, yes, but i didn't exactly avoid the bread GROUP.  that seems like it's going to be a lot harder.  but since i haven't gotten any other suggestions so far, i'm going to give that another go this week.

in motivation-for-not-being-fat news, i submit for your consideration the bridesmaid dress that i will be wearing in july:



courtesy of David's Bridal



if you know me, you will agree that this is likely not the best style for me.  also, you will know that i don't look REMOTELY like this.  for those that don't know me, just know that it is going to be a stretch for me to wrangle the girls into a strapless dress.  it's never been done, people!

so that has me freaking out a bit.

in financial news, there's an opportunity that has been knocking around in my head for a few months (ok, years) that i've repeatedly said no to...  but i'm wondering if it might be time to say yes.  i keep asking God and the universe and my family and my friends for help, and this one thing keeps popping up.  i'm scared, to be honest, of trying something new and failing- that has kept me from saying yes for a long time.  but you know, desperate times and all that.

and also, i want to live my life with no excuses, no opportunities wasted.  and there's an opportunity in front of me, so i think it's time to say yes.

unfortunately for you (most of you anyway) you're going to have to sit there in suspense until i sign on the dotted line.  stay tuned for the big reveal...

small victories

the topic of the day for one of my favorite blogs was "small victories" which resonated with me today...  no big strides forward, but i did accomplish the following:

1. didn't eat any bread.  i gave away my muffin at lunch (literally.  that's not a euphemism ;o) )

2. i took the d-o-double-g for a longer-than-normal walk

3.  i cooked dinner, not the tastiest chicken ever, but it was low in fat and high in veggies (yay spinach)

4.  i ran 2 miles on the treadmill.  it was a struggle but i didn't quit

also, at work today, two people, totally independently of each other, told me they could tell i'm losing weight.  that felt GREAT.  that felt like a HUGE victory.

thanks for celebrating the victories with me!  my shit is ever-so-slightly more together.

taking your advice.

today was day one without bread.  i ate 2 cookies though, does that count?  but i ate my (revolting) sandwich at lunch without the bread.  (note to self, and others: do not eat a spicy southwest buffalo bratwurst.  ever.  for any reason).

i set my alarm to wake up early this morning to run, since i had dinner plans after work.  BUT when the alarm went off...  i promptly reset it.  i am NOT an early riser.  but in a fortuitous turn of events, my dinner date cancelled, so i had the evening free after all and got in a 3 mile run.  it kind of sucked (running is hard when you are fat) but i did it.

i also went to the store and bought all the ingredients (i almost wrote "fixin's" and then i remembered that i am not southern) for my week's worth of meals (another plug for emeals- i LOVE having a shopping list created for me).  i love cooking like this - getting at least 4 servings from a meal means i have dinner and lunch the next day plus two more meals in the freezer.  cook once, eat 4 times. 

and my big success at the grocery store was that i didn't buy any treats - often when i shop (and especially right before i'm starting some crazy diet) i decide that i need ice cream and some of those amazing and deadly lofthouse cookies.  but not today.

also the scale said 204 this morning, so there's some progress already.

and i signed up for the san francisco half marathon in july, which will keep me motivated!

in other exciting news, i got a refund check from geico for $200.  this is going to let me get a haircut, and a car wash, some plants, and a full tank of gas withOUT putting anything more on the credit card.  that's good news, right?

home sick = time to think

i stayed home sick from work today which was nice in that i slept for about 16 straight hours, and that i got to hang with the puppy after being away from her all weekend. not so nice in that i have been blowing my nose every 10 minutes or so.  bleah.  but it was nice to spend the day at home.

anyway i've spent some time thinking about my current situation. i'm tired of going on crazy diets that don't really work.  i'm tired of fighting with myself day after day about what i should and shouldn't eat.  when i think about the person i want to be, that person is calm and in control about food- not overly restrictive, and not helpless in the face of cupcakes...  just reasonable and restrained.  i want to be in a place where there's nothing i "can't" eat - but there's nothing i can't NOT eat, either.  kohtuus kaikessa, as they say.  moderation in all things.

so, a few decisions.  first, true to my word, i'm going to follow the advice of goetzgirl, and nix the bread group this week as much as possible.

second, i'm going to take my half-marathon training program seriously, and make time to run at least 4 days a week.

third, since i'm not going to go on a crazy diet, and i have a very hard time with meal planning and shopping, i joined a website called emeals - it's one of those services that creates a weekly meal plan for you, complete with shopping list.  i selected the low-fat meal plan, and will aim to cook at home (and thus eat at home, and bring leftovers for lunch) most days of the week.  their website is very pretty, and my first week of meals sounds very tasty, so i'm excited about getting started.

fourth, i'm going to dig out my p90x dvds.  i never made it past about day 3 when i started the program the first time- i can do better than that.  i'm not sure when i'm going to start- but i'm at least going to get organized about it.


the OTHER thing to tell you is that i got some nice motivation the other day - one of my friends just announced her engagement and honored me greatly by inviting me to be a bridesmaid.  the wedding is july 28th, and i am very excited.  in addition to it being a huge milestone in the life of my friend, it's also a perfect goal for me to work towards- i want to look great in my dress!

i also got a couple of books that i'm looking forward to reading...  one is called "50 ways to soothe yourself without food," by susan albers (which should be pretty self-explanatory), and the other is "the self-compassion diet: a step-by-step program to lose weight with loving-kindness," by jean fain.  don't those both sound nice?  i'll let you know what i think of them in a later post.

well that's it for now.  i'm feeling more optimistic now, with some plans, and feeling very grateful for the love and support of YOU, dear readers.

one week later

hi, loyal readers.  um, reader.

i still have only told a few people about this, and i'm hesitant to tell more people.  i feel so OUT there and vulnerable.  and ashamed, if i'm being honest.  i hate admitting to people the truth about where i am - where i've let myself get to.

where have i gotten to?  well it's sunday, and in typical it's-ALMOST-the-start-of-a-new-week fashion, i ordered a pizza for dinner, seeing as how i'll start my new diet tomorrow, and all.  i'm not sure why i do the things i do not want to do, and what i want to do, i don't.  perhaps paul has some advice.  i got home, and have a cold, and dad's birthday party was rescheduled, and i had no plans and felt so bereft...  and pizza filled the void.

obviously up until now i've completely glossed over any of the actual reasons why i overeat.  it's not really about the yumminess of food (although it IS awfully yummy), i know.  and you know.  we both know, and we know that i know.  what it's really about is my using food as a distraction, as a medication, as a substitute.  it helps me not feel all the things i don't want to feel.  and the problem is, it works.  at least temporarily. 

i just got back home from an awesome weekend in atlanta with three of my greatest friends in the world.  being with them is always good - it's fun, it's educational (they know way more about celebrity gossip and college conferences that i can even believe), and it's fortifying.  we have been friends for a long time- through many hard times.  being with people who know me so well and who have been with me through so much is always refreshing - it lets me relax in ways i generaly can't.  this weekend was a bit different for me though - i didn't want to talk about how i'm doing or what i'm feeling, and i was very nearly successful in avoiding any real discussion about my own situation altogether.  i got cornered with a few poignant questions late last night, but overall i avoided much of any discusison about my personal life at the moment.

which is good, because i'm a mess.  i seriously don't have my shit together.

i've never felt so sad and hopeless ever before in my life.  being overweight and underfinanced is a big part of it - both cause of and effect of.  it's been an extremely hard year- multiple sicknesses, my first DNSs (more than one) at races, steady weight gain, being passed over for a promotion that i had EARNED, a slow and wrenching breakup, a move back "home" where nothing was as i had left it, noticibly aging parents, a downward financial spiral, and a heartbreak that won't heal.  i feel lost, and utterly hopeless.  i don't see a happy future.  i am so tired of the constant struggle that never gets me anywhere.  i need to feel some success, some result from my efforts.  but i even sabotage myself- and i never move forward.  i'm in a deep black hole, and i can't get out.


anyway.  all of this is to say, i don't feel like i'll be able to get a real handle on my eating/weight issues until i can address my emotional/psychological issues.

which probably would require going to a therapist.  which would probably require PAYING said therapist.  which i can't afford.

ugh.

the 'experts' suggest getting exercise, and sunlight, and spending time with positive people, and having a pet, as inexpensive depression aids.  well, i've got those things, and am doing my best to take advantage of them all. 

and i've got you, cheering me on, and so i'm not ready to give up quite yet.

tomorrow IS a new day, after all.

update

quick update.  i'm still fat.  i'm still financially screwed.  BUT there's a bit of good news.  i did my taxes, and it turns out i'm getting enough back from the feds to pay back the money i owe my sister.  yeah!  that is one weight off my mind, to be sure.


in fat news, i've taken my own past advice and signed up for a few spring running events  - i find when i have a goal (or several) to work towards, i am much better about getting exercise.  race #1 is tomorrow - the superbowl 5k.  we got about 20 inches of snow over the past 2 days, and i have done precisely NO training, so it should be an interesting morning.


i've got a 58-story stair climb on february 26, a 7k run in march, and a half marathon in april.  all that running HAS to help me lose weight, right?


also, just for the record, i haven't actually told anyone about this blog yet, which is why no one has commented, or given me any suggestions :o)