i came across an ad in a magazine a few weeks ago (i think it was for a hotel) that said, 'come back to your best self.' it stopped me cold. it made me want to cry. (i don't often get a lump in my throat from an advertisement). i ripped it out of the magazine and have been carrying it around with me ever since.
come back to your best self.
come back.
(but i don't know where to come back to... i don't know where i left her)
i do know that i am not my best self right now. i am not living my best life. and i have no one to blame but myself. for quite a while now i've been making excuses, feeling sorry for myself, giving in to the desires and whims of my basic nature, not holding myself accountable to my true higher self. i'm so disappointed in myself. so tired and sick of who i have become.
i want to be my best self. i want to be someone i'm proud of. i want to be healthy, i want to be a good friend, i want to be a good daughter and sister, i want to be true to who i am and work to achieve the life i want to live.
it feels so overwhelming though. i'm so far from where i want to be. i'm fat and lazy. i'm working at a job that doesn't challenge or fulfill me. i'm not pursuing my interests and passions. i'm in serious debt. this isn't who i want to be- this isn't me at my best.
i'm disappointed.
i know i'm capable of so much more. i've been given so much - brains and talent and opportunities - and i feel like i'm wasting it all. i'm moving through my life but am i really LIVING it? am i taking advantage of what's in front of me? am i observant, and grateful, and active? i think for the most part, i'm not. i'm going through all the motions- going to work, doing the laundry, taking the dog for little walks. but i'm not using my brain, i'm not keeping my body healthy and strong, i'm not giving back to my community and world. my life is passing me by while i sit in my house and watch the trees cycle through their colors.
so i've been thinking, and asking myself over and over, what is my best self? what does my best life look like? especially within the constraints that i'm faced with (honoring my debts, caring for my dog, living within my means). what does my best ME look like?
i did a few things this week to point me in the right direction. i invited a friend over for dinner tonight (she couldn't come, but if i want to spend time with my friends, why do i wait for them to invite ME?). i bought a book of local hikes (if i love hiking in colorado, why do i not go? why do i constantly make excuses?). i bought a long-overdue pair of running shoes (i have a half marathon in 3 weeks that i haven't started training for. my old shoes were awful. my new ones are cheap but adequate). i took several days off of work and did all the things i've been putting off (filing all the bills and paperwork, cleaning the kitchen, running endless errands). my life feels organized, and i have everything i need. i make so many excuses for not doing what i need to do (and even WANT to do) - i'm waiting until i have a boyfriend, i'm waiting until i find a friend who also likes to do the thing i want to do, i'm waiting until i'm thinner, i'm waiting until someone asks me... i don't want to keep waiting. i want to live my best life NOW.
so what is the best me? the best me works every day to be strong in body and strong in mind and strong in character. this means that the best me eats carefully, and exercises every day. the best me reads books more and watches tv less. the best me reaches out to my friends. the best me rides my bike and goes hiking and takes the dog for long walks. the best me doesn't spend money that i don't have, and doesn't buy things that i don't need. the best me is never so 'poor' as to not be generous with anyone who needs it - friend or stranger.
i want to be a better person. someone you are proud to call your friend. someone your kids think is cool. someone your parents approve of you hanging out with ;o) i want to live every day like it's january 1 and i'm pursuing a list of resolutions. wake up early, work out, enjoy the sunrise, pack a healthy lunch, take the stairs, be kind to my friends and colleagues, take a walk at lunch, do my work with a good attitude, spend quality time with the d-o-double-g, my friends, and my family, write letters, sweep up the dog hair. i know this is all unrealistic to think i will do every day - but i want it to be the rule, rather than the exception.
so i'm not going to wait until monday, like i do with all my regular 'resolutions.' i'm starting now. i'm going to turn off the computer and play with the pup. and then i'm going to write a letter. and then go to bed early, so i can wake up and get some exercise, and make the most of the day.
thanks for cheering me on, friends.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
end of the month
a few updates to share, as the month winds down. i've had my condo "for rent" for a few weeks now with no real interest (perhaps because i've been asking a FORTUNE for it). but as the days have passed and the thought of moving becomes more of a reality... my heart and soul are screaming for me to find another way. i LOVE my home. i've been so unsettled for so long, and i finally have a place that is pretty, and safe, and comfortable, and decorated just how i want it... and most of all, MINE... i honestly can't bear to give it up. the thought of moving has been breaking my heart - it's too much.
so.
so i spent a good part of the weekend re-examining the financial situation. as it now stands, if i pay all my bills (including student loans) and the MINIMUMS on my credit cards, i will have about $100 left over each month for food, gas, etc. (which seems impossible... but of course, lots of people live on less than $100 a month. i'll just need to seriously reevaluate my habits. but if it means staying in my home, i think i could learn to LOVE beans and rice. for every meal). that also means that i can't put anything else ON the credit cards. and it means my credit cards will effectively NEVER get paid off.
anyway. realizing that this is not realistic nor the wisest course of action, i also applied for a student loan consolidation loan. no news yet on whether it's been approved... apparently they send you their decision in writing? because it's 1885 and email hasn't been invented yet? so i'm waiting by the mailbox to see what the decision is. my current payments are so high because a couple of the loans were on a 15 year plan, so if i could get them stretched out another 15 years or so, that would make a huge difference. i realize you end up paying SO MUCH MORE in the long run, but again, if it means i can keep my house in the short run, it's worth it.
also i will need to make more money - this hasn't changed. let's discuss.
option 1, the Potential Job in phoenix, appears to be (once again) off the table. (which is fine by me, by the way, living in phoenix is Not Appealing).
option 2, rock the R+F business, is still a possibility, though i find i don't have quite the personality to rock this as much as i'd hoped. i'm not giving up, but i just expect to make slow progress.
option 3, get a raise at the current job, is as likely as winning the lottery (which i don't play)
option 4, get a new job, still seems to be the only truly rational option.
but i HATE LOOKING FOR A JOB!!!
it is the worst thing EVER. you feel like a total loser and a perpetual failure and UGH it never ends (until you find a job, i guess). also my main stumbling block about finding a new job is, what on earth am i actually qualified to DO? i've been working in non profit for my entire career, and i have NO idea how my skills transfer over in to the "real" world. who has ideas about how to position oneself in an entirely new industry?
so that's my current situation with the finances. shit = still not together.
in other news, the fat shit = also still not together.
my weight continues to fluctuate wildly - i was at 194 on sunday morning, 198 today. it makes me want to scream and spit. my buddies ace and std and i are doing a 5-day sugar detox this week which ALSO makes me want to scream and spit, if only i had the energy. i have to say, i am one day into it, and i am furious and desperately sad and elated and confused and SO HUNGRY. we'll see if i can make it another 4 days. it shouldn't be this hard, should it? truly i am a sugar addict.
i did go for a couple of fun bike rides over the weekend. it's kind of lonely though - riding by yourself. i need some of my buddies (ahem, goldielocks) to join me!
so that's the latest, from the end of may. i honestly don't know how i'm going to get all this shit together.
xoxo
so.
so i spent a good part of the weekend re-examining the financial situation. as it now stands, if i pay all my bills (including student loans) and the MINIMUMS on my credit cards, i will have about $100 left over each month for food, gas, etc. (which seems impossible... but of course, lots of people live on less than $100 a month. i'll just need to seriously reevaluate my habits. but if it means staying in my home, i think i could learn to LOVE beans and rice. for every meal). that also means that i can't put anything else ON the credit cards. and it means my credit cards will effectively NEVER get paid off.
anyway. realizing that this is not realistic nor the wisest course of action, i also applied for a student loan consolidation loan. no news yet on whether it's been approved... apparently they send you their decision in writing? because it's 1885 and email hasn't been invented yet? so i'm waiting by the mailbox to see what the decision is. my current payments are so high because a couple of the loans were on a 15 year plan, so if i could get them stretched out another 15 years or so, that would make a huge difference. i realize you end up paying SO MUCH MORE in the long run, but again, if it means i can keep my house in the short run, it's worth it.
also i will need to make more money - this hasn't changed. let's discuss.
option 1, the Potential Job in phoenix, appears to be (once again) off the table. (which is fine by me, by the way, living in phoenix is Not Appealing).
option 2, rock the R+F business, is still a possibility, though i find i don't have quite the personality to rock this as much as i'd hoped. i'm not giving up, but i just expect to make slow progress.
option 3, get a raise at the current job, is as likely as winning the lottery (which i don't play)
option 4, get a new job, still seems to be the only truly rational option.
but i HATE LOOKING FOR A JOB!!!
it is the worst thing EVER. you feel like a total loser and a perpetual failure and UGH it never ends (until you find a job, i guess). also my main stumbling block about finding a new job is, what on earth am i actually qualified to DO? i've been working in non profit for my entire career, and i have NO idea how my skills transfer over in to the "real" world. who has ideas about how to position oneself in an entirely new industry?
so that's my current situation with the finances. shit = still not together.
in other news, the fat shit = also still not together.
my weight continues to fluctuate wildly - i was at 194 on sunday morning, 198 today. it makes me want to scream and spit. my buddies ace and std and i are doing a 5-day sugar detox this week which ALSO makes me want to scream and spit, if only i had the energy. i have to say, i am one day into it, and i am furious and desperately sad and elated and confused and SO HUNGRY. we'll see if i can make it another 4 days. it shouldn't be this hard, should it? truly i am a sugar addict.
i did go for a couple of fun bike rides over the weekend. it's kind of lonely though - riding by yourself. i need some of my buddies (ahem, goldielocks) to join me!
so that's the latest, from the end of may. i honestly don't know how i'm going to get all this shit together.
xoxo
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
the scale don't lie
big victory today - my scale this morning said 194.0 - so i've officially lost 20 pounds since january 1. wow, it is HARD - and all the work seems so fruitless so often- but to see the numbers there in... well, not in print... in digital? anyway, seeing that number was pretty awesome. granted, i still have 40 or so to go- but i'm a third of the way there- in a third of a year... so perhaps NEXT january 1, that scale will be where i want.
so that was a nice way to start the day.
but let's see, it's been another long while since i've posted. sorry about that. but there's actually a reason for this, which i am having a hard time articulating. the reason is, my blog has a Lurker. there's someone who reads this (hasn't joined, never comments, just reads) - and thinks bad things about me. the Lurker judges me harshly - measures me against their own standards of behavior, and finds me lacking. the Lurker rolls their eyes and fumes about how the reason i am where i am is that i made a whole shit load of bad decisions, and i should stop being depressed about it, and i should take responsibility for it, and quit moaning about it to everyone else.
so when i write, i feel scorned and judged, which feels crappy.
so i'm just going to say to the Lurker, i scorn and judge myself PLENTY ALREADY, thank you, and if you don't want to read what i'm thinking and feeling, please just don't read it. please let me have this space to vent and cry and hope and imagine and ask for help. please take your hurtful presence someplace else, and leave me and this space in peace.
that feels better.
ok so shall we get caught up a bit? let's see - we got the fat part, which i'm skipping about. i'm currently doing a semi-cleanse, semi in that i can't actually bear to not eat for more than about 2.5 days, so after not chewing since sunday night, i made myself a big bowl of pasta and cheese tonight. it was delicious. but back to the pink drink and green drink tomorrow! i've got a 10 mile race on sunday, which will be ugly, since i haven't run a STEP since my half marathon about 5 weeks ago... yes, the half marathon that took me two and a half hours... so sunday's race will be a pisser, i can only imagine. but that being said, i'm actually looking forward to digging out my sporty clothes again and getting back into the swing of working out, running, cycling, etc. i've been a sloth for too long.
in money news... i was given the 'thanks but no thanks' on the job in phoenix, which was vaguely disappointing but honestly was a great blessing - that was such a cool job, it would have been VERY hard to say no to, and having to leave denver would have been harder than i think i could bear right now. but it leaves me in the position of still needing a better job. so.
i'm moving out of my beautiful condo.
it's breaking my heart, i have to admit it. but i don't see any other option. i have to have more money so i can pay my bills, and my housing is really the only thing i can change. so i'm putting it up for lease, and looking for a cheap place to move in to for the next year or two (hopefully just one). please say a couple of prayers on my behalf - that i can find a good renter who will pay what i'm asking, and that i can find a nice, safe, cheap place to live where daisy will also be welcome.
this is stressing me out and bumming me out. a lot. but i'm powering through- what else can you do?
fortunately, i've had some awesome support - mom and dad, and sisko and ace, and std and goldielocks and baby new wash, are all so amazing and supportive. i'm grateful that i'm not alone. i've been given dishes and wine glasses, and gift cards for groceries, had offers of furniture and temporary housing, and cards in the mail, and dinners out... it all makes me feel so much more hopeful, and not alone.
i'm also looking (half-heartedly) for a new job. i ultimately need to make more money, in addition to spending less. and also, i need to work someplace where smarts and talent and hard work are recognized and rewarded, vs. ignored and taken for granted. so there's another prayer for your ever-growing list, if you don't mind.
one thing i will highly recommend, while we're at it, is that you all go to your linkedin profile and ask former (and current?) colleagues for recommendations. wow. i did that this week, and 6 or 8 people have responded, and holy cow, talk about an ego boost. after working in a place for 6 years where my boss has never once told me i've done a good job, to read the nice things that other people have to say about me has been so uplifting and encouraging. it turns out that i DO have something to offer, and i DO make a difference, and people DO value and appreciate me. it's nice.
so what else.
fat, finances... those are my two big issues for now. we'll work on the other ones some other day. in the meantime, thanks for walking this walk with me - thanks for cheering me on!
so that was a nice way to start the day.
but let's see, it's been another long while since i've posted. sorry about that. but there's actually a reason for this, which i am having a hard time articulating. the reason is, my blog has a Lurker. there's someone who reads this (hasn't joined, never comments, just reads) - and thinks bad things about me. the Lurker judges me harshly - measures me against their own standards of behavior, and finds me lacking. the Lurker rolls their eyes and fumes about how the reason i am where i am is that i made a whole shit load of bad decisions, and i should stop being depressed about it, and i should take responsibility for it, and quit moaning about it to everyone else.
so when i write, i feel scorned and judged, which feels crappy.
so i'm just going to say to the Lurker, i scorn and judge myself PLENTY ALREADY, thank you, and if you don't want to read what i'm thinking and feeling, please just don't read it. please let me have this space to vent and cry and hope and imagine and ask for help. please take your hurtful presence someplace else, and leave me and this space in peace.
that feels better.
ok so shall we get caught up a bit? let's see - we got the fat part, which i'm skipping about. i'm currently doing a semi-cleanse, semi in that i can't actually bear to not eat for more than about 2.5 days, so after not chewing since sunday night, i made myself a big bowl of pasta and cheese tonight. it was delicious. but back to the pink drink and green drink tomorrow! i've got a 10 mile race on sunday, which will be ugly, since i haven't run a STEP since my half marathon about 5 weeks ago... yes, the half marathon that took me two and a half hours... so sunday's race will be a pisser, i can only imagine. but that being said, i'm actually looking forward to digging out my sporty clothes again and getting back into the swing of working out, running, cycling, etc. i've been a sloth for too long.
in money news... i was given the 'thanks but no thanks' on the job in phoenix, which was vaguely disappointing but honestly was a great blessing - that was such a cool job, it would have been VERY hard to say no to, and having to leave denver would have been harder than i think i could bear right now. but it leaves me in the position of still needing a better job. so.
i'm moving out of my beautiful condo.
it's breaking my heart, i have to admit it. but i don't see any other option. i have to have more money so i can pay my bills, and my housing is really the only thing i can change. so i'm putting it up for lease, and looking for a cheap place to move in to for the next year or two (hopefully just one). please say a couple of prayers on my behalf - that i can find a good renter who will pay what i'm asking, and that i can find a nice, safe, cheap place to live where daisy will also be welcome.
this is stressing me out and bumming me out. a lot. but i'm powering through- what else can you do?
fortunately, i've had some awesome support - mom and dad, and sisko and ace, and std and goldielocks and baby new wash, are all so amazing and supportive. i'm grateful that i'm not alone. i've been given dishes and wine glasses, and gift cards for groceries, had offers of furniture and temporary housing, and cards in the mail, and dinners out... it all makes me feel so much more hopeful, and not alone.
i'm also looking (half-heartedly) for a new job. i ultimately need to make more money, in addition to spending less. and also, i need to work someplace where smarts and talent and hard work are recognized and rewarded, vs. ignored and taken for granted. so there's another prayer for your ever-growing list, if you don't mind.
one thing i will highly recommend, while we're at it, is that you all go to your linkedin profile and ask former (and current?) colleagues for recommendations. wow. i did that this week, and 6 or 8 people have responded, and holy cow, talk about an ego boost. after working in a place for 6 years where my boss has never once told me i've done a good job, to read the nice things that other people have to say about me has been so uplifting and encouraging. it turns out that i DO have something to offer, and i DO make a difference, and people DO value and appreciate me. it's nice.
so what else.
fat, finances... those are my two big issues for now. we'll work on the other ones some other day. in the meantime, thanks for walking this walk with me - thanks for cheering me on!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
away for so long
sorry, friends. it's been a while, i know. and after i promised to try harder, even.
it's been a long and tiring few weeks. i've been sick, the d-o-double-g has been sick, i've been traveling... lots of things not conducive to getting one's shit together. i've gone backwards in every way - more weight, more debt. i feel like a Perpetual Failure, and it's exhausting. i'm so tired of starting each new week thinking, THIS week will be different! THIS week i'll eat well, and exercise, and only buy things in cash... THIS week i'll finally gain some ground and get this shit TOGETHER!
ugh.
but i guess you can't ever just give up, can you. i mean, you CAN, but then you end up weighing 650 pounds and losing your house (along with the rest of your shit). and that doesn't seem like an option. somehow hope springs eternal, week after week, and i feel determined and optimistic all over again, despite the prior evidence which suggests that this week, too, will end in failure. but i honestly can't help thinking that one of these days, it's going to click, and i'm going to turn into the person that i've always wanted to be, and leave this strange self behind.
so let's see, let's catch up on the last few weeks. i got a strange lump in my throat that required multiple doctor visits, medications, and a CT scan, and which turned out to be (very thankfully) nothing serious. the pup broke a couple teeth, and then got a urinary tract infection, pancreatitis, and giardia (all on the same day) (it was an ugly night). between her vet bills and my copays and deductibles and what have you, we racked up around $1500 between us. but she's healthy and happy now, as am i, so it's well worth it from my perspective.
though i will say that the stress of having a sick pet, and the uncertainty of my own situation, along with a week of travel for work, caused me to go back to old habits of self soothing with snacks.
so here we are, a few weeks later. my weight this morning is 203. my financial situation is worse than before, though i don't know the exact numbers at the moment (and don't feel like looking it up). the one positive thing is that i got a couple of balance transfer offers, and was able to move some of the money around so that most of the credit card balances are now at 0% for a while. so that's at least a little victory.
i was talking to my mother a few weeks back about the whole money situation. i told her i need a patron saint, so she found me one. well actually, she found me five. i'm pleased to introduce you to my new friends, ivo, lawrence, matthew, nicholas, and roch. they are pretty cool guys, by all accounts, helping the poor and what have you. i've been talking to them every day, which is kind of strange seeing as how 1) i'm not catholic, and was thus raised to believe talking to saints was heretical and 2) they're dead. but i believe that being dead doesn't mean you cease to exist, so why does it mean you can't talk to someone? and i also am not PRAYING to them, just talking to them, so what harm is there in that? anyway i talk to them all, every day, and ask them to pray on my behalf. strength in numbers, for one thing, and also, these are people who pleased God in their lives and in their deaths, and perhaps He'll be favorably inclined toward them. anyway i've been praying a lot, and asking the saints for prayer, and here are a couple of things that have happened...
when i got back from california last week, there was a letter in the mail from a church in oklahoma. it was one of those mass-mailing things, not addressed to me personally, but no one else in my neighborhood who i know received one. anyway the letter told me of God's coming blessings for me, and enclosed was a paper prayer rug, that i was instructed to kneel upon as i prayed and presented my requests to God. this is the kind of hokey thing that i would normally just discard, but this time i was thinking, how do we know the ways of God? i've been praying for help, and who am i to say in what form that help should come? so i prayed on the rug, and then mailed it back to the church as instructed, along with my prayer requests. the people at the church will also pray for me.
so there's that.
then here's another thing. i had a job interview. (note: i think we can all agree that my financial situation is not going to just magically get better on its own - i'm either going to need to spend less money (not feasible, apparently), or make more money. and based on my history with my current job (almost 6 years there, no promotion, no opportunity for growth), it doesn't look like that's going to happen here. so i need another job, and wouldn't you know it, along comes an opportunity. a Big one). this job is one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to make a serious impact with a remarkable organization. it would be a big step up for me, a real chance to learn and grow and be seriously challenged. i'm so excited about the possibility... but. (isn't there always a but?). but... the job is in phoenix. yup. phoenix. which is a lovely place, i'm sure (it's a dry heat). but man. i just got back to denver, back where i feel at home, back where my parents and friends and mountains and sun are. after the last few years, of tumult and moving and hope and heartbreak- i finally feel like i'm home, and can put down roots and start again. so phoenix? it's not what i want. it's not what i had planned.
and then i have to think, you know, me doing the things i want, and the things i plan, doesn't seem to be working out so well. i'm 35, and broke, and fat, and alone... my own ideas and plans keep turning to shit.
so once again i have to say, maybe it's time to see where the prayers and the universe will lead me. i'm hoping and praying that some other option will present itself (and let's not get TOO ahead of ourselves, it was a job interview, not an offer), but i'm not going to say no, when i'm praying for a solution and surprising things show up.
so i'll keep you posted on that. and i'll ask for YOUR prayers too, while i'm at it - you and the saints probably have some serious firepower.
so back to the fat (not back fat, which i also have. gross). anyway, i'm back up into the 200's, which makes me want to spit. i joined a new gym very briefly (long enough to go to one workout, and then to be told the location in my neighborhood is closing) and then quit. it's for the best, even though i loved it - i can't afford it, and wasn't one of the reasons i bought this condo in the first place the fact that the building has a gym in the basement? yes, yes it was. anyway. no new gym, but i am going to try to run a bit more. and ride my bike (side note, i did a couple of great rides in california, which makes me want to live there. but then again, who DOESN'T want to live in monterey?). AND i'm doing a new diet starting tomorrow - don't the martha's vineyard diet detox. 21 days of no chewing, is what it boils down to. lots of green drink and berry antioxidant drink, and pureed vegetable soup, and some interesting "cleansing" capsules. have any of you ever done a detox or cleanse? i never have. so i'm interested to see how it will go! i like green drink but am not sure if i like it three times a day for three weeks. we shall see.
well i think that pretty much catches us up, right? one step forward, a step or two back. but i'm focusing on the forward, and being hopeful, and being thankful for my little tribe of cheerleaders.
love to you all.
it's been a long and tiring few weeks. i've been sick, the d-o-double-g has been sick, i've been traveling... lots of things not conducive to getting one's shit together. i've gone backwards in every way - more weight, more debt. i feel like a Perpetual Failure, and it's exhausting. i'm so tired of starting each new week thinking, THIS week will be different! THIS week i'll eat well, and exercise, and only buy things in cash... THIS week i'll finally gain some ground and get this shit TOGETHER!
ugh.
but i guess you can't ever just give up, can you. i mean, you CAN, but then you end up weighing 650 pounds and losing your house (along with the rest of your shit). and that doesn't seem like an option. somehow hope springs eternal, week after week, and i feel determined and optimistic all over again, despite the prior evidence which suggests that this week, too, will end in failure. but i honestly can't help thinking that one of these days, it's going to click, and i'm going to turn into the person that i've always wanted to be, and leave this strange self behind.
so let's see, let's catch up on the last few weeks. i got a strange lump in my throat that required multiple doctor visits, medications, and a CT scan, and which turned out to be (very thankfully) nothing serious. the pup broke a couple teeth, and then got a urinary tract infection, pancreatitis, and giardia (all on the same day) (it was an ugly night). between her vet bills and my copays and deductibles and what have you, we racked up around $1500 between us. but she's healthy and happy now, as am i, so it's well worth it from my perspective.
though i will say that the stress of having a sick pet, and the uncertainty of my own situation, along with a week of travel for work, caused me to go back to old habits of self soothing with snacks.
so here we are, a few weeks later. my weight this morning is 203. my financial situation is worse than before, though i don't know the exact numbers at the moment (and don't feel like looking it up). the one positive thing is that i got a couple of balance transfer offers, and was able to move some of the money around so that most of the credit card balances are now at 0% for a while. so that's at least a little victory.
i was talking to my mother a few weeks back about the whole money situation. i told her i need a patron saint, so she found me one. well actually, she found me five. i'm pleased to introduce you to my new friends, ivo, lawrence, matthew, nicholas, and roch. they are pretty cool guys, by all accounts, helping the poor and what have you. i've been talking to them every day, which is kind of strange seeing as how 1) i'm not catholic, and was thus raised to believe talking to saints was heretical and 2) they're dead. but i believe that being dead doesn't mean you cease to exist, so why does it mean you can't talk to someone? and i also am not PRAYING to them, just talking to them, so what harm is there in that? anyway i talk to them all, every day, and ask them to pray on my behalf. strength in numbers, for one thing, and also, these are people who pleased God in their lives and in their deaths, and perhaps He'll be favorably inclined toward them. anyway i've been praying a lot, and asking the saints for prayer, and here are a couple of things that have happened...
when i got back from california last week, there was a letter in the mail from a church in oklahoma. it was one of those mass-mailing things, not addressed to me personally, but no one else in my neighborhood who i know received one. anyway the letter told me of God's coming blessings for me, and enclosed was a paper prayer rug, that i was instructed to kneel upon as i prayed and presented my requests to God. this is the kind of hokey thing that i would normally just discard, but this time i was thinking, how do we know the ways of God? i've been praying for help, and who am i to say in what form that help should come? so i prayed on the rug, and then mailed it back to the church as instructed, along with my prayer requests. the people at the church will also pray for me.
so there's that.
then here's another thing. i had a job interview. (note: i think we can all agree that my financial situation is not going to just magically get better on its own - i'm either going to need to spend less money (not feasible, apparently), or make more money. and based on my history with my current job (almost 6 years there, no promotion, no opportunity for growth), it doesn't look like that's going to happen here. so i need another job, and wouldn't you know it, along comes an opportunity. a Big one). this job is one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to make a serious impact with a remarkable organization. it would be a big step up for me, a real chance to learn and grow and be seriously challenged. i'm so excited about the possibility... but. (isn't there always a but?). but... the job is in phoenix. yup. phoenix. which is a lovely place, i'm sure (it's a dry heat). but man. i just got back to denver, back where i feel at home, back where my parents and friends and mountains and sun are. after the last few years, of tumult and moving and hope and heartbreak- i finally feel like i'm home, and can put down roots and start again. so phoenix? it's not what i want. it's not what i had planned.
and then i have to think, you know, me doing the things i want, and the things i plan, doesn't seem to be working out so well. i'm 35, and broke, and fat, and alone... my own ideas and plans keep turning to shit.
so once again i have to say, maybe it's time to see where the prayers and the universe will lead me. i'm hoping and praying that some other option will present itself (and let's not get TOO ahead of ourselves, it was a job interview, not an offer), but i'm not going to say no, when i'm praying for a solution and surprising things show up.
so i'll keep you posted on that. and i'll ask for YOUR prayers too, while i'm at it - you and the saints probably have some serious firepower.
so back to the fat (not back fat, which i also have. gross). anyway, i'm back up into the 200's, which makes me want to spit. i joined a new gym very briefly (long enough to go to one workout, and then to be told the location in my neighborhood is closing) and then quit. it's for the best, even though i loved it - i can't afford it, and wasn't one of the reasons i bought this condo in the first place the fact that the building has a gym in the basement? yes, yes it was. anyway. no new gym, but i am going to try to run a bit more. and ride my bike (side note, i did a couple of great rides in california, which makes me want to live there. but then again, who DOESN'T want to live in monterey?). AND i'm doing a new diet starting tomorrow - don't the martha's vineyard diet detox. 21 days of no chewing, is what it boils down to. lots of green drink and berry antioxidant drink, and pureed vegetable soup, and some interesting "cleansing" capsules. have any of you ever done a detox or cleanse? i never have. so i'm interested to see how it will go! i like green drink but am not sure if i like it three times a day for three weeks. we shall see.
well i think that pretty much catches us up, right? one step forward, a step or two back. but i'm focusing on the forward, and being hopeful, and being thankful for my little tribe of cheerleaders.
love to you all.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
sick... again
sitting at home tonight, feeling like crap, on round, what, like 5? of antibiotics since moving to denver. this time i've got a swollen thing in my throat that caused my doctor to say, huh, i've never seen anything like THAT before. which is exactly what you WANT to hear, when you go to the doctor.
so i'm feeling sorry for myself, which generally equates to, stuffing myself sick. yesterday was 1) a going away day (it wasn't really a party, it was just donuts) for a colleague, followed by 2) an anniversary party for my boss (involving an enormous cake) and followed by 3) an anniversary dinner at a fabulous restaurant (complete with dessert). i ate more yesterday than i probably ate in the entire week preceding. then today i ate three gigantic cookies. so i'm deciding NOT to get on the scale in the morning.
i feel so tired, and beat down. early to bed tonight, and hoping for a brighter day tomorrow.
in other (and supremely more important) news, my sweet friend goldielocks lost her beloved aunt this past weekend. she's so sad- we're all so sad for her and with her. death is never gentle- it wrecks your heart every time. and it never fails to remind you of what's really important- namely, the people in your life, and the experiences you share with them. my weight, and the balance of my bank account, are not truly the measures of my life, and are not the things that will be remembered when i am gone. while i strive to get my sh!t together, i also want to strive to be a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better auntie. my thoughts and prayers are with goldie, and my love is with you all.
sweet dreams...
so i'm feeling sorry for myself, which generally equates to, stuffing myself sick. yesterday was 1) a going away day (it wasn't really a party, it was just donuts) for a colleague, followed by 2) an anniversary party for my boss (involving an enormous cake) and followed by 3) an anniversary dinner at a fabulous restaurant (complete with dessert). i ate more yesterday than i probably ate in the entire week preceding. then today i ate three gigantic cookies. so i'm deciding NOT to get on the scale in the morning.
i feel so tired, and beat down. early to bed tonight, and hoping for a brighter day tomorrow.
in other (and supremely more important) news, my sweet friend goldielocks lost her beloved aunt this past weekend. she's so sad- we're all so sad for her and with her. death is never gentle- it wrecks your heart every time. and it never fails to remind you of what's really important- namely, the people in your life, and the experiences you share with them. my weight, and the balance of my bank account, are not truly the measures of my life, and are not the things that will be remembered when i am gone. while i strive to get my sh!t together, i also want to strive to be a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better auntie. my thoughts and prayers are with goldie, and my love is with you all.
sweet dreams...
Sunday, April 1, 2012
well sh!t
wow so THAT resolution went well.
sorry about that, folks. this past week was a bit crazy, and i didn't blog like i promised i would. man. maybe i need a NEW blog, about getting my sh!t together as a blogger!
so let's see. it was a very busy, very stressful week, but one that ended up ending well.
i got the news from my property manager on monday that the d-o-double-g had been reported again, and that they were going to need me to bring in PROOF of her weight (backstory: my condo has a 35 pound weight limit for pets. i have a 70 pound pet, who i've been trying to pass off as 35 pounds. WHY i would do this is another story entirely). anyway, i got the call, and decided i couldn't perpetuate this deception any longer, and spent a couple of days a) in a full blown meltdown about losing the pup and b) steeling my nerves to go tell the truth to the property manager.
(you may or may not know what daisy means to me - she was with me through a tough marriage, and the falling-apart thereof, with me in my first-ever living-alone apartment, with me on a cross country move for a new relationship, with me in a strange city where i had no friends but massive personal upheaval, and with me when i hung my head (and my heart) and moved back across the country, to yet another living-alone home. she's been my shoulder to cry on for many tear-filled nights, by best buddy on early morning walks, she's listened to all my hopes and dreams, and she's never once not been beside herself with joy when i come home. if a dog can be a soul mate, she's mine.)
anyway i spent some days and sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do - i cried more this past week than i have in months. losing her means losing a part of myself that i'm not ready to give up.
so, long story short, i sat down with the property manager, told her the truth, braced myself for the worst... and got kindness and compassion where i was expecting anger and judgment. how about that? she was so understanding, and more angry at the person who complained about me than she was at me for breaking the rules. the end result is ultimately the same - namely, daisy can't stay here, but she is giving me all the time i need to figure it out (and even offered to "pet-share" daisy with me, part time at her house and part time at mine!). i still can hardly believe it. (note to self - be kinder and more forgiving than people expect)
so that explains my evenings - more full of angst than of blogging. i hope you forgive me.
but i also had some awesome times this week - i got free tickets to see jewel in concert (and even got the meet & greet passes, so i got my photo with her) and had the greatest date night ever with my girl ACE. my new book club had its first formal meeting, and we're reading the book i chose (whose (gorgeous) author i got to meet and listen to read earlier in the week) (gods without men, by hari kunzru, if you'd like to read along). i rode my bike to work 4 out of 5 days, did a 10 mile run yesterday, rode my bike today... and i learned some lessons about receiving love in unexpected ways from good friends. so all in all, it was a good week.
(oh and i ALSO discovered the greatest breakfast EVER - smoothies :o) 8 oz skim milk, 1 scoop vanilla whey powder, strawberries, frozen cherries, frozen peaches. Yow wow. no sugar, you'll notice, but SO INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS).
ok quick inventory: weight this morning was 195.5. i hope by next weeked i'll be at that magical number of 194 which will equal my first 20 pounds lost...
finances- nothing new to report. BUT i have a real financial question that i want your help with - please seriously think about this and give me your advice:
so my options with the dog are 1) give her away, 2) share her or 3) move somewhere where we can both live. i honestly can't imagine not having her with me, so i'm strongly considering #3. i'm thinking about moving out, renting out my condo, and living someplace else for the next year (or longer). i can probably find a relatively cheap apartment in the neighborhood, and if i can rent my current place out furnished, i bet i can rent it for about $1500 (possibly more?) per month, which would cover my mortgage and hoa. then if i found a cheaper place, i could actually make a profit with the condo, and use that money toward my debt. challenges would be obvious - namely, moving, but i have a few offers of furniture already, and i'm sure i could round up plenty of friends to help with the logistics... so it doesn't seem impossible. also, i feel like i'm in a much better place emotionally, where being in my beautiful and safe and and OWNED home isn't as critical to my well-being as it was when i moved in, so i feel like i can live in a smaller rental place and be much more ok with it that i would have been earlier. also i'm not SELLING the condo, obviously, so i'd still get the tax benefits etc.
it makes me incredibly nervous, leaving my stuff in a place where strangers will sit on my couch and sleep on my bed and put their things on my shelves. but ultimately, it's just stuff, right? but i have so much OTHER stuff, i wonder where i will keep all the things like books etc if i'm in a small place. will i have to get a storage unit? but my housing line item is the largest in my budget- cutting that in half would be HUGE in helping me get my financial sh!t together. there are pros and cons... please help me think through it!
(also, just for the record, i KNOW i should have thought this through earlier, like before i got the condo in the first place. i've berated myself enough about that already, and need to just figure out how best to move forward now, all things being what they are.)
of course my FIRST choice would be to keep daisy here with me, and not move, so if you're the praying type, you might offer that (seemingly impossible) request up on my behalf.
(also, in related news, we go back to the vet a week from tomorrow to re-check bloodwork- some sketchy results last time suggest all kinds of unpleasant possibilities. fingers and paws crossed that the medicine she's been on for the past 3 weeks has helped. if it hasn't, and it turns out she's sick, that may impact the situation as well).
thanks for your help, and for cheering me on... daisy says thanks too ;o)
sorry about that, folks. this past week was a bit crazy, and i didn't blog like i promised i would. man. maybe i need a NEW blog, about getting my sh!t together as a blogger!
so let's see. it was a very busy, very stressful week, but one that ended up ending well.
i got the news from my property manager on monday that the d-o-double-g had been reported again, and that they were going to need me to bring in PROOF of her weight (backstory: my condo has a 35 pound weight limit for pets. i have a 70 pound pet, who i've been trying to pass off as 35 pounds. WHY i would do this is another story entirely). anyway, i got the call, and decided i couldn't perpetuate this deception any longer, and spent a couple of days a) in a full blown meltdown about losing the pup and b) steeling my nerves to go tell the truth to the property manager.
(you may or may not know what daisy means to me - she was with me through a tough marriage, and the falling-apart thereof, with me in my first-ever living-alone apartment, with me on a cross country move for a new relationship, with me in a strange city where i had no friends but massive personal upheaval, and with me when i hung my head (and my heart) and moved back across the country, to yet another living-alone home. she's been my shoulder to cry on for many tear-filled nights, by best buddy on early morning walks, she's listened to all my hopes and dreams, and she's never once not been beside herself with joy when i come home. if a dog can be a soul mate, she's mine.)
anyway i spent some days and sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do - i cried more this past week than i have in months. losing her means losing a part of myself that i'm not ready to give up.
so, long story short, i sat down with the property manager, told her the truth, braced myself for the worst... and got kindness and compassion where i was expecting anger and judgment. how about that? she was so understanding, and more angry at the person who complained about me than she was at me for breaking the rules. the end result is ultimately the same - namely, daisy can't stay here, but she is giving me all the time i need to figure it out (and even offered to "pet-share" daisy with me, part time at her house and part time at mine!). i still can hardly believe it. (note to self - be kinder and more forgiving than people expect)
so that explains my evenings - more full of angst than of blogging. i hope you forgive me.
but i also had some awesome times this week - i got free tickets to see jewel in concert (and even got the meet & greet passes, so i got my photo with her) and had the greatest date night ever with my girl ACE. my new book club had its first formal meeting, and we're reading the book i chose (whose (gorgeous) author i got to meet and listen to read earlier in the week) (gods without men, by hari kunzru, if you'd like to read along). i rode my bike to work 4 out of 5 days, did a 10 mile run yesterday, rode my bike today... and i learned some lessons about receiving love in unexpected ways from good friends. so all in all, it was a good week.
(oh and i ALSO discovered the greatest breakfast EVER - smoothies :o) 8 oz skim milk, 1 scoop vanilla whey powder, strawberries, frozen cherries, frozen peaches. Yow wow. no sugar, you'll notice, but SO INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS).
ok quick inventory: weight this morning was 195.5. i hope by next weeked i'll be at that magical number of 194 which will equal my first 20 pounds lost...
finances- nothing new to report. BUT i have a real financial question that i want your help with - please seriously think about this and give me your advice:
so my options with the dog are 1) give her away, 2) share her or 3) move somewhere where we can both live. i honestly can't imagine not having her with me, so i'm strongly considering #3. i'm thinking about moving out, renting out my condo, and living someplace else for the next year (or longer). i can probably find a relatively cheap apartment in the neighborhood, and if i can rent my current place out furnished, i bet i can rent it for about $1500 (possibly more?) per month, which would cover my mortgage and hoa. then if i found a cheaper place, i could actually make a profit with the condo, and use that money toward my debt. challenges would be obvious - namely, moving, but i have a few offers of furniture already, and i'm sure i could round up plenty of friends to help with the logistics... so it doesn't seem impossible. also, i feel like i'm in a much better place emotionally, where being in my beautiful and safe and and OWNED home isn't as critical to my well-being as it was when i moved in, so i feel like i can live in a smaller rental place and be much more ok with it that i would have been earlier. also i'm not SELLING the condo, obviously, so i'd still get the tax benefits etc.
it makes me incredibly nervous, leaving my stuff in a place where strangers will sit on my couch and sleep on my bed and put their things on my shelves. but ultimately, it's just stuff, right? but i have so much OTHER stuff, i wonder where i will keep all the things like books etc if i'm in a small place. will i have to get a storage unit? but my housing line item is the largest in my budget- cutting that in half would be HUGE in helping me get my financial sh!t together. there are pros and cons... please help me think through it!
(also, just for the record, i KNOW i should have thought this through earlier, like before i got the condo in the first place. i've berated myself enough about that already, and need to just figure out how best to move forward now, all things being what they are.)
of course my FIRST choice would be to keep daisy here with me, and not move, so if you're the praying type, you might offer that (seemingly impossible) request up on my behalf.
(also, in related news, we go back to the vet a week from tomorrow to re-check bloodwork- some sketchy results last time suggest all kinds of unpleasant possibilities. fingers and paws crossed that the medicine she's been on for the past 3 weeks has helped. if it hasn't, and it turns out she's sick, that may impact the situation as well).
thanks for your help, and for cheering me on... daisy says thanks too ;o)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
motivation
it's been a week since i've posted, and honestly i thought i was the only one who was aware of that fact, until earlier today when someone said, i should post more frequently, because when i don't, it causes them to lose motivation.
bwaaaa hahahahahahaha!
true story, actually.
i'm surprised, and pleased, that someone other than myself derives some benefit from this blog. i have several friends who also blog, and it makes me feel pretty self-absorbed and narcissistic, since they blog about things like dogs having cancer and the application of the multi-sport lifestyle to life in general. all i care about is fat and money. sigh.
but anyway, the part that was most interesting to me, aside from someone noticing that i haven't posted lately, was the fact that it provides some form of motivation to someone else. i know that this person isn't facing the same challenges that i am, but perhaps there are correlations to facing other challenges.
anyway, far be it from me to deny someone their motivation, so i'll be a better blogger from now on.
the scale today said 197.0, which means i've lost 17 pounds since january 1. and i don't even have the stomach flu! pretty psyched about that. i don't feel a ton different, nor do i notice anything fun like old clothes fitting, but the numbers on the scale reinforce that my hard work is making a quantifiable difference, even if i don't feel it.
i did an 8 mile run with std yesterday (notice i did not say, i ran 8 miles yesterday. there were 8 miles, and i covered them on foot. close enough). std ran the whole way, and i have to say, she is awesome. this is a girl who, until we started training for this half marathon, had never run more than 3 miles at a time. i am SO proud of her! i am having nothing at all to do with her success, by the way, other than coercing her into signing up for the race- but it is SO AWESOME to see someone take on a new challenge and totally rock it. i LOVE that she has never run this far before, and is completely smoking me! it makes me think, who knows what we are capable of? what challenges are out there that i've never tackled, that i just might be awesome at??
i bought a new book on friday night (mom and i WERE going to go to a movie, but when we got there we discovered that the film was no longer at that theater, and should we drivedrivedrive across town to the OTHER theater, or just go to the bookstore? nuff said). my book is called, "this is why you're fat." ha! i love it. the basic reasons are, 1. sugar, 2. hormones, and 3. organ toxicity. the plan for correcting those things is pretty basic- being very consicentious about what you eat, cutting out all sugars and sweeteners, limiting alcohol and the other things that tax your liver. i haven't gotten very far in the book, but it really strikes a chord with what i've been thinking lately. i've been really good about not eating sugar most of the time, and i now notice that when i do eat it, i can instantly tell. it gives me a searing headache and makes me miserable for hours. not worth it.
in other fat news, the weather is AWESOME and it's so nice to be outside! for the next few days our parking garage at home will be closed so my car is parked further away... and so i'm going to be riding my bike to work. and i've got lunch time walks now scheduled into my calendar, so i'm hoping to make that happen a few times a week. i think i have to give up on the p90x - i did it for 8 or 9 days but man, it's hard, and waking up early to do it was killer. i think if i can focus on some exercise that i actually enjoy (more bike riding!) i'm more likely to actually do it.
i financial news, i made more bad decisions today. i bought a chair for my balcony and some new bike gear. none of it ABSOLUTELY necessary, but all contributing to my happiness. those are the hard decisions to make, i have to confess. i know i should choose in favor of financial health and long term consequences... i don't always make the best choice.
tonight i'm hanging out at home, doors open, chilling with the d-o-double-g, and resting up for another busy week. sending you all much love and LOTS of motivation ;o)
thanks for cheering me on!
bwaaaa hahahahahahaha!
true story, actually.
i'm surprised, and pleased, that someone other than myself derives some benefit from this blog. i have several friends who also blog, and it makes me feel pretty self-absorbed and narcissistic, since they blog about things like dogs having cancer and the application of the multi-sport lifestyle to life in general. all i care about is fat and money. sigh.
but anyway, the part that was most interesting to me, aside from someone noticing that i haven't posted lately, was the fact that it provides some form of motivation to someone else. i know that this person isn't facing the same challenges that i am, but perhaps there are correlations to facing other challenges.
anyway, far be it from me to deny someone their motivation, so i'll be a better blogger from now on.
the scale today said 197.0, which means i've lost 17 pounds since january 1. and i don't even have the stomach flu! pretty psyched about that. i don't feel a ton different, nor do i notice anything fun like old clothes fitting, but the numbers on the scale reinforce that my hard work is making a quantifiable difference, even if i don't feel it.
i did an 8 mile run with std yesterday (notice i did not say, i ran 8 miles yesterday. there were 8 miles, and i covered them on foot. close enough). std ran the whole way, and i have to say, she is awesome. this is a girl who, until we started training for this half marathon, had never run more than 3 miles at a time. i am SO proud of her! i am having nothing at all to do with her success, by the way, other than coercing her into signing up for the race- but it is SO AWESOME to see someone take on a new challenge and totally rock it. i LOVE that she has never run this far before, and is completely smoking me! it makes me think, who knows what we are capable of? what challenges are out there that i've never tackled, that i just might be awesome at??
i bought a new book on friday night (mom and i WERE going to go to a movie, but when we got there we discovered that the film was no longer at that theater, and should we drivedrivedrive across town to the OTHER theater, or just go to the bookstore? nuff said). my book is called, "this is why you're fat." ha! i love it. the basic reasons are, 1. sugar, 2. hormones, and 3. organ toxicity. the plan for correcting those things is pretty basic- being very consicentious about what you eat, cutting out all sugars and sweeteners, limiting alcohol and the other things that tax your liver. i haven't gotten very far in the book, but it really strikes a chord with what i've been thinking lately. i've been really good about not eating sugar most of the time, and i now notice that when i do eat it, i can instantly tell. it gives me a searing headache and makes me miserable for hours. not worth it.
in other fat news, the weather is AWESOME and it's so nice to be outside! for the next few days our parking garage at home will be closed so my car is parked further away... and so i'm going to be riding my bike to work. and i've got lunch time walks now scheduled into my calendar, so i'm hoping to make that happen a few times a week. i think i have to give up on the p90x - i did it for 8 or 9 days but man, it's hard, and waking up early to do it was killer. i think if i can focus on some exercise that i actually enjoy (more bike riding!) i'm more likely to actually do it.
i financial news, i made more bad decisions today. i bought a chair for my balcony and some new bike gear. none of it ABSOLUTELY necessary, but all contributing to my happiness. those are the hard decisions to make, i have to confess. i know i should choose in favor of financial health and long term consequences... i don't always make the best choice.
tonight i'm hanging out at home, doors open, chilling with the d-o-double-g, and resting up for another busy week. sending you all much love and LOTS of motivation ;o)
thanks for cheering me on!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
my tea is changing my life
i've been drinking green tea at work instead of coffee for the past few weeks. i love it - it tastes good and has the double benefit of making me feel like i'm doing something good for myself. plus the coffee at the office is REVOLTING so it's not exactly a sacrifice to switch to tea.
however, that's not the part that's life changing. we have celestial seasonings tea at work, and you may know that each tea bag is attached to a little string with a little tag (to facilitate the fishing-out of said tea bag from your mug after steeping), and the little tags are all printed with pithy sayings. well this week i had two different tea bags that spoke directly to me.
the first:
"great minds have purposes, others have wishes." - washington irving
the timing of this was so interesting - it coincided with another blogger's post about living with intention- and it really made me think. in regard to these two issues that i'm considering in this blog - do i simply WISH to lose weight, and to be in control of my finances? or am i PURPOSING to change these parts of my life?
it's so easy to wish for things to change- to daydream about a different way of living, to fantasize about what it would be like to be skinny and rich... but it's a different thing entirely to WORK for change. to make conscious, intentional choices, to keep your ultimate goals in mind despite the infinite number of desires and opporutnities that would derail you. it's a whole new kind of discipline- reining in your impulses in deference to the higher good. so i've been thinking about that a lot, and trying to be more thoughtful and intentional in ALL areas of my life, not just these two.
tea bag inspiration #2:
"who, being loved, is poor?" - oscar wilde
isn't that true? a reminder to not just consider wealth in terms of the balance of my checking account - but to remember and be grateful for the many people who fill my life with love, hope, and happiness. there are many rich but lonely people in the world, and i wouldn't change places with them.
i count you among those people, dear readers. thanks for cheering me on!
however, that's not the part that's life changing. we have celestial seasonings tea at work, and you may know that each tea bag is attached to a little string with a little tag (to facilitate the fishing-out of said tea bag from your mug after steeping), and the little tags are all printed with pithy sayings. well this week i had two different tea bags that spoke directly to me.
the first:
"great minds have purposes, others have wishes." - washington irving
the timing of this was so interesting - it coincided with another blogger's post about living with intention- and it really made me think. in regard to these two issues that i'm considering in this blog - do i simply WISH to lose weight, and to be in control of my finances? or am i PURPOSING to change these parts of my life?
it's so easy to wish for things to change- to daydream about a different way of living, to fantasize about what it would be like to be skinny and rich... but it's a different thing entirely to WORK for change. to make conscious, intentional choices, to keep your ultimate goals in mind despite the infinite number of desires and opporutnities that would derail you. it's a whole new kind of discipline- reining in your impulses in deference to the higher good. so i've been thinking about that a lot, and trying to be more thoughtful and intentional in ALL areas of my life, not just these two.
tea bag inspiration #2:
"who, being loved, is poor?" - oscar wilde
isn't that true? a reminder to not just consider wealth in terms of the balance of my checking account - but to remember and be grateful for the many people who fill my life with love, hope, and happiness. there are many rich but lonely people in the world, and i wouldn't change places with them.
i count you among those people, dear readers. thanks for cheering me on!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
long week
well the last post was a bit of a downer, i have to admit. that song is one that has run through my head many times over many years (the words, not the tune- the tune is awful, i'm sorry to say. totally un-singable). i know it's not exactly cheerful but honestly, i don't always feel cheerful, and sometimes you just have to accept that you feel terrible, and lie there and feel it and rehearse all the sad songs you know, and then finally you just go to bed, and in the morning things are a little easier.
i have really hard days sometimes. dark days that come out of nowhere, with no obvious cause. days when all you can do is just put your head down and muscle through. i'm sure you all do too. it's easier not to talk about it, though, pretend everything is fine, but what's the point of having a put-it-all-out-there blog if you're just going to gloss over the tough stuff?
anyway it was a long week. really depressed monday night. tuesday night i had a disappointingly hard 2 mile run in the park, followed by a very fun evening out with a new friend (female, don't get too excited). wednesday evening i got sick, so i stayed home from work on thursday (spent pretty much 36 hours straight in bed, which was actually not bad). and then friday i didn't have anything on the calendar at work, so i stayed home that day too, and got some more sleep and got a few other errands done too. today was 70 degrees, so gorgeous, and i painted in the morning (yes, i am a painter. i paint) walked the d-o-double-g for a bit (more on that in a moment) and then went to my friend std's house for her son's 1st birthday party (unbearably cute). now i'm home, resting up for my run in the morning.
so let's assess the current status of my various situations.
what shall we start with? fat, you say? alright. first of all, this week i discovered the greatest weight-loss method of all time. it's called gastrointestinal distress, and boy howdy, it works. briefly, but for those few brief moments, it's a sight to behold. after not eating for about 40 hours, i stepped on the scale to see a beautiful sight: 197.5. it was like a summer love- so sweet, so beautiful... but i knew it wouldn't last. we'll see what it is tomorrow. (it's a little depressing to me that 197.5 is something to get excited about. i remember the day when that was something to panic about. sigh.). anyway, my p90x routine was interrupted by illness, but i'm planning to pick up where i left off on monday morning. not tomorrow, because tomorrow i have a fun run planned with my buddy goldie locks- the runnin' of the green - the country's largest 7k race. i've got my green outfit all picked out (if you know me, you know i probably spend more time coordinating my running outfits that i do actually running. i figure, even if you suck at something, you can at least look good doing it). in terms of eating, i've been doing AWESOME with the no sugar thing. i did have some birthday cake at the party today (what kind of sociopath doesn't have cake at a 1 year old's party?? not THIS kind of sociopath, i can tell you). so i'm feeling good about that.
ok finances. this is not so good.
where to start. ok, so sticking to my budget is proving to be pretty stinking hard. for one thing, i run out of food at approximately the same time i run out of money. then i'm left with 6 dollars and 10 days before pay day. so i resort to the credit card. and then, i love races so much, i can't stop myself from signing up for them... but they cost money and guess what, it goes on the credit card. AAAARRGGGHHH!! then there are things like book stores (so dangerous) and target (even worse) and visits to the vet... i hate this! i hate feeling so stuck. tonight i was asked out to dinner with friends after the party, but i had to come up with some excuse not to go, because i don't have $25 to go to dinner. in fact, right now i have exactly $52.64 in the bank, and 13 days until pay day. i have probably 6 dinners in the freezer, half a box of cereal and some milk, and that's about it. so i need to feed myself for the next two weeks, plus pay for ANYTHING ELSE that might come up (laundry, outings with friends, parking, etc) with $52. i know it's not impossible, and that most people in the world get by on much less, but sheesh.
so while we're feeling sorry for ourselves, let's do an update on the current credit card balances. we haven't glanced at those in a while:
$9,412- citi
$5,500 - citi (2)
$16,589 - capital 1
$31,501 - total
wow, so in two months, i've managed to pay off an entire $91. clearly this plan isn't working. is it time to panic yet? i feel like panicking.
oh but wait, let's ADD to the panic.
so i took the d-o-double-g to the vet earlier this week. she's developed a pretty severe limp and so i took her in to get checked out. well the vet couldn't find anything wrong with her leg BUT she did find that a) she has a "slab fracture" in one of her teeth, and b) she has wonky calcium and alkaline phosphatase enzyme levels in her blood. awesome. so i ponied up the $80 for the canine SAMe prescription, and made an appointment to go back in 4 weeks for the tooth extraction, which they will do IF her enzyme levels are back to normal. if they DO do the extraction, it will cost me about $480. if they DON'T, it will mean she has something (as yet unidentified) pretty wrong with her, which will undoubtedly cost me WAY MORE than $480.
what's a girl to do? what if daisy has something awful wrong with her (note to self, don't ask the vet what the worst case scenario is, unless you're sure you want to know. trust me, you don't want to know) - how much more do i go into debt for my puppy?? i can't really even bear to think about it, let alone write about it. because of course, you do absolutely everything possible, right??
holy crap.
can i panic now?
i've got 3 and a half months to get my shit together.
ok i'm doing everything i can think of. i need to make more, and spend less. i've got my job, and my other job (yay R+F!) and my OTHER other job (did i tell you about that one? neighborhood house-sitting service, as yet mostly un-marketed). i'm going to take my credit cards out of my wallet so i can't use them anymore. i'm going to call at&t on monday and find out how i can lower my cell phone bill. i've been googling "eat well on $25 a week" and "secrets of selling your soul to the devil." what else?? here's where i need your advice friends - i'm verging on serious meltdown.
ok. time to change the clocks, take the poor lame puppy outside, and go to bed. thanks for cheering me on...
i have really hard days sometimes. dark days that come out of nowhere, with no obvious cause. days when all you can do is just put your head down and muscle through. i'm sure you all do too. it's easier not to talk about it, though, pretend everything is fine, but what's the point of having a put-it-all-out-there blog if you're just going to gloss over the tough stuff?
anyway it was a long week. really depressed monday night. tuesday night i had a disappointingly hard 2 mile run in the park, followed by a very fun evening out with a new friend (female, don't get too excited). wednesday evening i got sick, so i stayed home from work on thursday (spent pretty much 36 hours straight in bed, which was actually not bad). and then friday i didn't have anything on the calendar at work, so i stayed home that day too, and got some more sleep and got a few other errands done too. today was 70 degrees, so gorgeous, and i painted in the morning (yes, i am a painter. i paint) walked the d-o-double-g for a bit (more on that in a moment) and then went to my friend std's house for her son's 1st birthday party (unbearably cute). now i'm home, resting up for my run in the morning.
so let's assess the current status of my various situations.
what shall we start with? fat, you say? alright. first of all, this week i discovered the greatest weight-loss method of all time. it's called gastrointestinal distress, and boy howdy, it works. briefly, but for those few brief moments, it's a sight to behold. after not eating for about 40 hours, i stepped on the scale to see a beautiful sight: 197.5. it was like a summer love- so sweet, so beautiful... but i knew it wouldn't last. we'll see what it is tomorrow. (it's a little depressing to me that 197.5 is something to get excited about. i remember the day when that was something to panic about. sigh.). anyway, my p90x routine was interrupted by illness, but i'm planning to pick up where i left off on monday morning. not tomorrow, because tomorrow i have a fun run planned with my buddy goldie locks- the runnin' of the green - the country's largest 7k race. i've got my green outfit all picked out (if you know me, you know i probably spend more time coordinating my running outfits that i do actually running. i figure, even if you suck at something, you can at least look good doing it). in terms of eating, i've been doing AWESOME with the no sugar thing. i did have some birthday cake at the party today (what kind of sociopath doesn't have cake at a 1 year old's party?? not THIS kind of sociopath, i can tell you). so i'm feeling good about that.
ok finances. this is not so good.
where to start. ok, so sticking to my budget is proving to be pretty stinking hard. for one thing, i run out of food at approximately the same time i run out of money. then i'm left with 6 dollars and 10 days before pay day. so i resort to the credit card. and then, i love races so much, i can't stop myself from signing up for them... but they cost money and guess what, it goes on the credit card. AAAARRGGGHHH!! then there are things like book stores (so dangerous) and target (even worse) and visits to the vet... i hate this! i hate feeling so stuck. tonight i was asked out to dinner with friends after the party, but i had to come up with some excuse not to go, because i don't have $25 to go to dinner. in fact, right now i have exactly $52.64 in the bank, and 13 days until pay day. i have probably 6 dinners in the freezer, half a box of cereal and some milk, and that's about it. so i need to feed myself for the next two weeks, plus pay for ANYTHING ELSE that might come up (laundry, outings with friends, parking, etc) with $52. i know it's not impossible, and that most people in the world get by on much less, but sheesh.
so while we're feeling sorry for ourselves, let's do an update on the current credit card balances. we haven't glanced at those in a while:
$9,412- citi
$5,500 - citi (2)
$16,589 - capital 1
$31,501 - total
wow, so in two months, i've managed to pay off an entire $91. clearly this plan isn't working. is it time to panic yet? i feel like panicking.
oh but wait, let's ADD to the panic.
so i took the d-o-double-g to the vet earlier this week. she's developed a pretty severe limp and so i took her in to get checked out. well the vet couldn't find anything wrong with her leg BUT she did find that a) she has a "slab fracture" in one of her teeth, and b) she has wonky calcium and alkaline phosphatase enzyme levels in her blood. awesome. so i ponied up the $80 for the canine SAMe prescription, and made an appointment to go back in 4 weeks for the tooth extraction, which they will do IF her enzyme levels are back to normal. if they DO do the extraction, it will cost me about $480. if they DON'T, it will mean she has something (as yet unidentified) pretty wrong with her, which will undoubtedly cost me WAY MORE than $480.
what's a girl to do? what if daisy has something awful wrong with her (note to self, don't ask the vet what the worst case scenario is, unless you're sure you want to know. trust me, you don't want to know) - how much more do i go into debt for my puppy?? i can't really even bear to think about it, let alone write about it. because of course, you do absolutely everything possible, right??
holy crap.
can i panic now?
i've got 3 and a half months to get my shit together.
ok i'm doing everything i can think of. i need to make more, and spend less. i've got my job, and my other job (yay R+F!) and my OTHER other job (did i tell you about that one? neighborhood house-sitting service, as yet mostly un-marketed). i'm going to take my credit cards out of my wallet so i can't use them anymore. i'm going to call at&t on monday and find out how i can lower my cell phone bill. i've been googling "eat well on $25 a week" and "secrets of selling your soul to the devil." what else?? here's where i need your advice friends - i'm verging on serious meltdown.
ok. time to change the clocks, take the poor lame puppy outside, and go to bed. thanks for cheering me on...
Monday, March 5, 2012
song of the day
wish i may
i'm losing my love of adventure
i'm losing all respect
for me and myself tonight
i wonder what happens if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isn't a light
i've worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i've worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and i'm stumbling down
the gravel driveway of desire
trying not to wake up
my sleepy self-loathing
do you ever have that dream
when you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you can't make a sound
that's everyday starting now
that's everyday starting now
don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight
it's a stiff competition
to see who can stay up later
the stars or the street lights
and all they really want
is to be alone with the darkness
no more wish i may
no more wish i might
it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel
i don't think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god, i wish i was stronger
this song could never be long enough
to express every longing
god, i wish it was longer...
- ani difranco
i'm losing my love of adventure
i'm losing all respect
for me and myself tonight
i wonder what happens if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isn't a light
i've worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i've worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
and i'm stumbling down
the gravel driveway of desire
trying not to wake up
my sleepy self-loathing
do you ever have that dream
when you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you can't make a sound
that's everyday starting now
that's everyday starting now
don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight
it's a stiff competition
to see who can stay up later
the stars or the street lights
and all they really want
is to be alone with the darkness
no more wish i may
no more wish i might
it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i gotta suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior
i am spinning with longing
faster then a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel
i don't think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god, i wish i was stronger
this song could never be long enough
to express every longing
god, i wish it was longer...
- ani difranco
Sunday, March 4, 2012
history of the f's
i had a great run with std today - it's about 65 degrees in denver today, with a little breeze... it's pretty amazing. we did (almost) 6 miles, from her house down along cherry creek. it was so beautiful, i (almost) forgot i was suffering running. i couldn't quite make it the full 6, but std was a sport about it and didn't complain that we walked the last 3/4 of a mile home. i love running with her because a) she's awesome and b) she is a stronger runner than i am, so she can keep up a conversation while i am huffing and puffing - it's so much easier to keep going when someone is telling you an interesting story.
so one of our topics of conversation was this blog. she's read it and is a big cheerleader for me and all, but her feedback was that i need to remember to be kind to myself in this process, and acknowledge what i've gone through to get to this place (both good and bad). i didn't just randomly get fat and broke.
so i thought maybe i should back up a bit, and give you a little history, so you have a better understanding of how i got to this place in my life.
so you know i'm 35 and single. well i haven't always been single (nor have i always been 35, i suppose). i got married when i was 21 to my college boyfriend. we'd been dating for a year and a half when he proposed, and got married 10 months later. there are lots of reasons why i thought it was a good idea to get married, which we don't need to get in to, but if you remember being 21, you will likely agree that it is not the best age to get married. anyway, i was pretty unhappy right from the start. we had some really good times together, and he was not a horrible person, but he was not a good husband to me. and i was not a good wife to him. let me also add here that he is a doctor (well he is now- he was a medical student and a resident when we were married. this did not help). one effect of this on our life is that we pretty much threw financial caution to the wind, with the rationale that, well, he's going to be a doctor soon, and we'll have more than enough money to pay off all these debts etc. i went to grad school, took out all the loans i could posisbly take, and we used the leftover money to go on vacations, buy computers, etc etc etc. knowing we were being a bit irresponsible, but also knowing that in a few years his income would be in the 6 figures. so we racked up a lot of debt.
well you already know how this story ends. i hired a lawyer, we got divorced, and suddenly i was faced with the reality of having no where to live (we had a house, but i couldn't afford the mortgage, so he kept it) and being completely overwhelmed with debt. i had my car and my clothes, and a chair and a desk and my books and some bookshelves. and i had to start over. so i moved in with mom and dad while i tried to figure out what to do with myself. (just as an aside - living with your parents when you are in your 30's is pretty depressing, i have to say. they were amazing, and so supportive, but i could barely believe that this is what it had come to- broke, alone, and living in my parents' basement. i joked with friends about living with the mole people - but honestly, that's what it felt like. i was under ground, both physically and emotionally). i eventually found a cute little apartment, and furnished it using my credit cards. what could i do? my pride wouldn't let me stay there any longer. and you have to have plates, right? and glasses, and a microwave, and countless other things that cost money, that you don't have. so fast forward a few years, and i gave away all my things and moved to new york to live with my new boyfriend, spent a lot of money i didn't have to get there, and to sustain our life there, and then to come back with my tail between my legs when it didn't work out, and start over all over again. i don't know if you have ever felt this way... but this was now the second time in my life when a romantic breakup had resulted in me being without a place to live. of course i had places to GO - friends offered to let me stay with them etc, but i couldn't bear to do that again, to be a guest in someone else's house, even my parents'. it was panic, fear, and such deep sadness. i'm a pretty empowered sort of woman, and that feeling of fear and helplessness is something i vowed i would never feel again.
so i bought a condo. it's a beautiful place, and i'm going to own it til the day i die. i don't care if i get married again or not, if i live in this country or in timbuktu... i will always have this place to go home to. this gives me so much comfort and peace, i can't explain it. the security means the world to me.
however, true to form, buying the condo was probably not the wisest FINANCIAL decision, even though it was definitely the best emotional decision. it costs just slightly more than i can afford. i had to borrow money from my sister to furnish it (better than putting it on the credit cards at least!), and make a giant withdrawal from my 403(b) for the downpayment. it was tough, and it will be tough for a while. but man, i sit here on my couch and look around, and i'm SAFE, and i'm in my OWN home, and these things are mine, and I'll never be homeless again.
daisy likes it too.
so all of these things together bring me to the financial situation i am currently in. lots of bad decisions, and also lots of feeling like i had no other options (must buy a set of sheets, must buy groceries). so many times, those things were bought on credit. and the student loans, which are looming... i took out SO much more than i needed, and SO much more than i can repay. i'm ashamed, i regret it, i wish i could change it. but i can't, and i'm committed to paying back what i owe (that always makes me feel like i'm some kind of convict- like i owe a debt to society). it's so HARD but i'm willing to do what i have to do.
so that's the history of f #1 (finances). the history of f #2 (fat) is less complicated. i was unhappy, i got fat, i got happier, i got thinner. i got unhappier, i got fatter. food is so much more than just nutrition. it's a friend when you are lonely, it's a therapist when you are angry, it's company when you're bored... ultimately it's a distraction from the feelings you don't want to feel. over the years there has been a lot of pain and sadness and anger and devastation... eating a cupcake makes it a little more bearable. and food is also a celebration when you're happy- it's what you do when you're home, when you're with your friends and your family, when things feel good and right. i mask the bad feelings with food - i prolong the good feelings with food.
it's one thing to recognize these patterns, it's another thing to change them. i'm trying - to fuel my body, and to feel what i feel.
that is a long post. are you even interested in these things? i don't know. but i am - it's helpful to look back sometimes, and see how far you've come. i'm lonely now - living alone has a lot of great benefits but i really really miss having someone to share my life with. but when i look back, and remember where i was, and what the years have been like- i'm proud to be where i am. and i'll take the fat and the financial ruin as scars, signs that i have fought to stay alive, fought to take care of myself in the only ways i've known how, and i can be thankful that i am here, now, intact both physically and emotionally, and moving forward with my life, making changes, making a new life.
thanks for cheering me on.
so one of our topics of conversation was this blog. she's read it and is a big cheerleader for me and all, but her feedback was that i need to remember to be kind to myself in this process, and acknowledge what i've gone through to get to this place (both good and bad). i didn't just randomly get fat and broke.
so i thought maybe i should back up a bit, and give you a little history, so you have a better understanding of how i got to this place in my life.
so you know i'm 35 and single. well i haven't always been single (nor have i always been 35, i suppose). i got married when i was 21 to my college boyfriend. we'd been dating for a year and a half when he proposed, and got married 10 months later. there are lots of reasons why i thought it was a good idea to get married, which we don't need to get in to, but if you remember being 21, you will likely agree that it is not the best age to get married. anyway, i was pretty unhappy right from the start. we had some really good times together, and he was not a horrible person, but he was not a good husband to me. and i was not a good wife to him. let me also add here that he is a doctor (well he is now- he was a medical student and a resident when we were married. this did not help). one effect of this on our life is that we pretty much threw financial caution to the wind, with the rationale that, well, he's going to be a doctor soon, and we'll have more than enough money to pay off all these debts etc. i went to grad school, took out all the loans i could posisbly take, and we used the leftover money to go on vacations, buy computers, etc etc etc. knowing we were being a bit irresponsible, but also knowing that in a few years his income would be in the 6 figures. so we racked up a lot of debt.
well you already know how this story ends. i hired a lawyer, we got divorced, and suddenly i was faced with the reality of having no where to live (we had a house, but i couldn't afford the mortgage, so he kept it) and being completely overwhelmed with debt. i had my car and my clothes, and a chair and a desk and my books and some bookshelves. and i had to start over. so i moved in with mom and dad while i tried to figure out what to do with myself. (just as an aside - living with your parents when you are in your 30's is pretty depressing, i have to say. they were amazing, and so supportive, but i could barely believe that this is what it had come to- broke, alone, and living in my parents' basement. i joked with friends about living with the mole people - but honestly, that's what it felt like. i was under ground, both physically and emotionally). i eventually found a cute little apartment, and furnished it using my credit cards. what could i do? my pride wouldn't let me stay there any longer. and you have to have plates, right? and glasses, and a microwave, and countless other things that cost money, that you don't have. so fast forward a few years, and i gave away all my things and moved to new york to live with my new boyfriend, spent a lot of money i didn't have to get there, and to sustain our life there, and then to come back with my tail between my legs when it didn't work out, and start over all over again. i don't know if you have ever felt this way... but this was now the second time in my life when a romantic breakup had resulted in me being without a place to live. of course i had places to GO - friends offered to let me stay with them etc, but i couldn't bear to do that again, to be a guest in someone else's house, even my parents'. it was panic, fear, and such deep sadness. i'm a pretty empowered sort of woman, and that feeling of fear and helplessness is something i vowed i would never feel again.
so i bought a condo. it's a beautiful place, and i'm going to own it til the day i die. i don't care if i get married again or not, if i live in this country or in timbuktu... i will always have this place to go home to. this gives me so much comfort and peace, i can't explain it. the security means the world to me.
however, true to form, buying the condo was probably not the wisest FINANCIAL decision, even though it was definitely the best emotional decision. it costs just slightly more than i can afford. i had to borrow money from my sister to furnish it (better than putting it on the credit cards at least!), and make a giant withdrawal from my 403(b) for the downpayment. it was tough, and it will be tough for a while. but man, i sit here on my couch and look around, and i'm SAFE, and i'm in my OWN home, and these things are mine, and I'll never be homeless again.
daisy likes it too.
so all of these things together bring me to the financial situation i am currently in. lots of bad decisions, and also lots of feeling like i had no other options (must buy a set of sheets, must buy groceries). so many times, those things were bought on credit. and the student loans, which are looming... i took out SO much more than i needed, and SO much more than i can repay. i'm ashamed, i regret it, i wish i could change it. but i can't, and i'm committed to paying back what i owe (that always makes me feel like i'm some kind of convict- like i owe a debt to society). it's so HARD but i'm willing to do what i have to do.
so that's the history of f #1 (finances). the history of f #2 (fat) is less complicated. i was unhappy, i got fat, i got happier, i got thinner. i got unhappier, i got fatter. food is so much more than just nutrition. it's a friend when you are lonely, it's a therapist when you are angry, it's company when you're bored... ultimately it's a distraction from the feelings you don't want to feel. over the years there has been a lot of pain and sadness and anger and devastation... eating a cupcake makes it a little more bearable. and food is also a celebration when you're happy- it's what you do when you're home, when you're with your friends and your family, when things feel good and right. i mask the bad feelings with food - i prolong the good feelings with food.
it's one thing to recognize these patterns, it's another thing to change them. i'm trying - to fuel my body, and to feel what i feel.
that is a long post. are you even interested in these things? i don't know. but i am - it's helpful to look back sometimes, and see how far you've come. i'm lonely now - living alone has a lot of great benefits but i really really miss having someone to share my life with. but when i look back, and remember where i was, and what the years have been like- i'm proud to be where i am. and i'll take the fat and the financial ruin as scars, signs that i have fought to stay alive, fought to take care of myself in the only ways i've known how, and i can be thankful that i am here, now, intact both physically and emotionally, and moving forward with my life, making changes, making a new life.
thanks for cheering me on.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
promoted
so my business launch part last night was AWESOME! SO fun. it doesn't hurt that i have the coolest friends EVER who are super supportive of me and this new venture. but we really did have a fun evening - great wine and cheese and snacks (if i do say so myself), and fun sampling products (which makes it sound like we ate them, which we did not). i learned so much from my mentor over the past week or so (thanks goetzgirl!), i felt really confident answering questions and talking about the company and the products. thanks so much to my friends who showed up (or sent snacks!). i'm really excited! and...
I GOT PROMOTED!!
with the success of this one day, i've already moved up to the "executive consultant" level! how exciting is that?? i'm already convinced that i've made the right decision by joining this company - it's fun, i love the products, and i feel like success is within reach. (let's also hope that big bucks are within reach :o) ).
my next goal with the job is to recruit some partners to join me. my homework this weekend is to come up with my "dream team" of people who i'd love to work with... people who i admire, who have a positive outlook, great energy, and are influential in their networks / communities. this should be fun! there are a lot of people i know who fit that description. i can't wait to see who wants to jump on this bandwagon with me!
in fat news (i am still fat), i have completed the first three days of p90x. i'm terrible at it - i can't make it through any of the routines. but i guess that's the point - if i could do it all already i suppose i wouldn't need the workouts! so i'm trying not to be discouraged. my pup daisy has been super supportive too- she's hilarious! every time i lay down on the floor (situps etc) she comes over and licks my face and tries to stand on me. i think she thinks i'm dying (i think the same thing, myself!)
tomorrow is a long run... 4.5 - 6miles, per my half marathon training plan. yow. my furthest run so far is 4 miles, so the idea of going 6 is a bit daunting. my friend std (yup, those are her actual initials) is going to run with me, and that always helps. she is faster than me but we are good running partners. at least i think so. she is probably thinking speed UP!! the entire time, but she never lets on.
in diet news, i gave myself a 24 hour hiatus from the no-sugar regimen so i could enjoy my party, but all i had were a few chocolate covered almonds and some homemade (35 calorie) meringues (wow- thanks std!). i did eat leftover cheese and crackers for breakfast this morning, is that bad? but i really like the no sugar plan. it makes my decisions so much easier. eating no carbs is completely unrealistic (for me) but eating no sugar is somehow easier. i'm being so much more careful about reading labels, and not eating anything that has sugar, or ingredients ending in -ose or -ol. (exception to the rule: my electrolyte drink, which has no sugar, but which does have sorbitol. with all the running and working out, i need an electrolyte replacement beverage (have you seen me sweat?) and rather than taking in a bunch of sugar (gatorade) i discovered the wonders of NUUN - seriously the greatest invention of all time. i drink that stuff like water. well, like kind of salty flavored water.)
so i'm feeling pretty jazzed - and optimistic about the week upcoming! thanks for cheering me on ;o)
I GOT PROMOTED!!
with the success of this one day, i've already moved up to the "executive consultant" level! how exciting is that?? i'm already convinced that i've made the right decision by joining this company - it's fun, i love the products, and i feel like success is within reach. (let's also hope that big bucks are within reach :o) ).
my next goal with the job is to recruit some partners to join me. my homework this weekend is to come up with my "dream team" of people who i'd love to work with... people who i admire, who have a positive outlook, great energy, and are influential in their networks / communities. this should be fun! there are a lot of people i know who fit that description. i can't wait to see who wants to jump on this bandwagon with me!
in fat news (i am still fat), i have completed the first three days of p90x. i'm terrible at it - i can't make it through any of the routines. but i guess that's the point - if i could do it all already i suppose i wouldn't need the workouts! so i'm trying not to be discouraged. my pup daisy has been super supportive too- she's hilarious! every time i lay down on the floor (situps etc) she comes over and licks my face and tries to stand on me. i think she thinks i'm dying (i think the same thing, myself!)
tomorrow is a long run... 4.5 - 6miles, per my half marathon training plan. yow. my furthest run so far is 4 miles, so the idea of going 6 is a bit daunting. my friend std (yup, those are her actual initials) is going to run with me, and that always helps. she is faster than me but we are good running partners. at least i think so. she is probably thinking speed UP!! the entire time, but she never lets on.
in diet news, i gave myself a 24 hour hiatus from the no-sugar regimen so i could enjoy my party, but all i had were a few chocolate covered almonds and some homemade (35 calorie) meringues (wow- thanks std!). i did eat leftover cheese and crackers for breakfast this morning, is that bad? but i really like the no sugar plan. it makes my decisions so much easier. eating no carbs is completely unrealistic (for me) but eating no sugar is somehow easier. i'm being so much more careful about reading labels, and not eating anything that has sugar, or ingredients ending in -ose or -ol. (exception to the rule: my electrolyte drink, which has no sugar, but which does have sorbitol. with all the running and working out, i need an electrolyte replacement beverage (have you seen me sweat?) and rather than taking in a bunch of sugar (gatorade) i discovered the wonders of NUUN - seriously the greatest invention of all time. i drink that stuff like water. well, like kind of salty flavored water.)
so i'm feeling pretty jazzed - and optimistic about the week upcoming! thanks for cheering me on ;o)
Thursday, March 1, 2012
march first
my sister used to work for a company called march first. apparently a lot of significant things have happened on this date in history. and i think they also liked the dual meaning, of the date as well as the injunction.
anyway it's the first day of march, and i hereby declare the offseason OVER. time for spring training! i started things off on the right foot by beginning p90x this morning (oof) and running 3 miles this evening. i also ate no sugar. i've been doing well with that, except on tuesday when a co-worker offered me a chocolate and i popped it in my mouth without thinking, and only THEN realized, eek, i wasn't going to eat sugar. and then yesterday, when i skipped lunch and ran over to the dmv to get emissions tested and vin verification and title and registration and license plates... and was there for FIVE HOURS and all i had in the car for a snack was a half eaten package of stroopwaffels and some craisins. so i ate those. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, i have had no sugar this week, and not even any false sugar either.
and in happy news, the scale was 201.5 this morning! i am thisclose to that magic day when i will be back in the (hmmm... what's the word? not the century... the cent... centile??) anyway, the multiple of hundred in which i belong.
in other happy news, my rodan + fields launch party is tomorrow and i am so excited!! i bought some nice wine and yummy cheese and fruits and things- and my house is CLEAN and i can't wait to have my friends over :o) i wish you all (dear readers) could be here too!
i'm still broke (broker than broke- did you know it cost me $300 to get all that stuff for my car yesterday??) but in also happy news, my sweet friend bought me dinner last night AND lunch today :o) who needs sugar when you have a sugar momma??
time for bed, day 2 of p90x is looming. i am marching first.
cheers!
anyway it's the first day of march, and i hereby declare the offseason OVER. time for spring training! i started things off on the right foot by beginning p90x this morning (oof) and running 3 miles this evening. i also ate no sugar. i've been doing well with that, except on tuesday when a co-worker offered me a chocolate and i popped it in my mouth without thinking, and only THEN realized, eek, i wasn't going to eat sugar. and then yesterday, when i skipped lunch and ran over to the dmv to get emissions tested and vin verification and title and registration and license plates... and was there for FIVE HOURS and all i had in the car for a snack was a half eaten package of stroopwaffels and some craisins. so i ate those. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, i have had no sugar this week, and not even any false sugar either.
and in happy news, the scale was 201.5 this morning! i am thisclose to that magic day when i will be back in the (hmmm... what's the word? not the century... the cent... centile??) anyway, the multiple of hundred in which i belong.
in other happy news, my rodan + fields launch party is tomorrow and i am so excited!! i bought some nice wine and yummy cheese and fruits and things- and my house is CLEAN and i can't wait to have my friends over :o) i wish you all (dear readers) could be here too!
i'm still broke (broker than broke- did you know it cost me $300 to get all that stuff for my car yesterday??) but in also happy news, my sweet friend bought me dinner last night AND lunch today :o) who needs sugar when you have a sugar momma??
time for bed, day 2 of p90x is looming. i am marching first.
cheers!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
more steps
i did a stair climb today - 56 flights up to the top of the republic plaza in denver. holy. cow. that is a LOT of stairs. it was hard, i'm not going to lie. it took me 19:22 from start to finish... the fastest woman did it in under 9 minutes. i had to stop quite a few times to catch my breath- it was HARD!
several things came to mind during the event. first of all, it was a fundraiser for the american lung association, and i have to tell you, it really helped me understand the struggle that so many people face with asthma or other lung diseases. although the trek was hard, i knew it was going to end at the top... i can't imagine struggling to breathe every day. my sweet grandma lived with COPD in the final years of her life, and it was painful and scary and just simply heartbreaking to watch her constant fight for breath. i'm grateful for the health and strength that so many wish for. i never want to take it for granted. and i don't want to compromise it any further.
secondly, my beautiful and skinny friend did this with me- she works out much less than i do, and hustled up those stairs like it was nobody's business- i know my weight is holding me back from excelling at physical activity. it was embarrassing, and very humbling.
on the other hand - doing it slowly is better than not doing it at all, right? we were all so proud of ourselves at the top - with our medals on and that amazing feeling of accomplishment - i LOVE it!! (if you know me, you know how i feel about medals - if you don't, i will tell you. i love them. i NEED them. i refuse to participate in an event that doesn't give them out (or else i will provide my own). i love the weight around my neck, and i love the permanent record of my achievement. i keep all my medals together, hanging up on a rack in my closet (heck, let's do a photo... hold please)
they make me so happy. they are arranged chronologically - you can see my first chicago marathon one on the far left - and they go through the one i earned today on the far right. they make me proud - but more than that, they remind me of amazing times shared with friends. each one brings a fond memory to mind and a smile to my face).
anyway.
after i got home from the stair climb (and after the 3 hour nap that followed), i went through my race list for the rest of the year. i'm already registered for a few (a 7k in 2 weeks, a half marathon in april, another one in july), and there are a LOT more i have on my list. i LOVE races. i'm never a contender, i'm a solid middle-of-the-packer. i never race to win, but i love it nonetheless. crossing the finish line is one of the greatest feelings in the world, i don't care if i'm first or last (note: i have actually finished last in a race. it was just as awful as you imagine it would be, with most people gone, and them taking down the tents, and all the bagels being gone... but i honestly didn't care. it was the hardest thing i had ever done, and i was SO proud that i finished it. even if my boyfriend at the time was convinced i was dead in a ditch).
anyway. my race list. there are a lot of things on it, and man, i want to do them well. i want to be a RUNNER. i want to be a TRIATHLETE. i don't want to have to stop and walk. i don't want to win - but i want to finish strong, i want to not be embarrassed, i want to be proud of my photos at the end. and i know that to do those things - i need to lose weight. there aren't a lot of 200+ pound marathoners out there.
so i'm starting again tomorrow. my plan for the week is to not eat sugar in any form - real or fake. i'm also going to start p90x on march 1st. i'm ready to stop feeling like a failure- thanks for cheering me on!
several things came to mind during the event. first of all, it was a fundraiser for the american lung association, and i have to tell you, it really helped me understand the struggle that so many people face with asthma or other lung diseases. although the trek was hard, i knew it was going to end at the top... i can't imagine struggling to breathe every day. my sweet grandma lived with COPD in the final years of her life, and it was painful and scary and just simply heartbreaking to watch her constant fight for breath. i'm grateful for the health and strength that so many wish for. i never want to take it for granted. and i don't want to compromise it any further.
secondly, my beautiful and skinny friend did this with me- she works out much less than i do, and hustled up those stairs like it was nobody's business- i know my weight is holding me back from excelling at physical activity. it was embarrassing, and very humbling.
on the other hand - doing it slowly is better than not doing it at all, right? we were all so proud of ourselves at the top - with our medals on and that amazing feeling of accomplishment - i LOVE it!! (if you know me, you know how i feel about medals - if you don't, i will tell you. i love them. i NEED them. i refuse to participate in an event that doesn't give them out (or else i will provide my own). i love the weight around my neck, and i love the permanent record of my achievement. i keep all my medals together, hanging up on a rack in my closet (heck, let's do a photo... hold please)
they make me so happy. they are arranged chronologically - you can see my first chicago marathon one on the far left - and they go through the one i earned today on the far right. they make me proud - but more than that, they remind me of amazing times shared with friends. each one brings a fond memory to mind and a smile to my face).
anyway.
after i got home from the stair climb (and after the 3 hour nap that followed), i went through my race list for the rest of the year. i'm already registered for a few (a 7k in 2 weeks, a half marathon in april, another one in july), and there are a LOT more i have on my list. i LOVE races. i'm never a contender, i'm a solid middle-of-the-packer. i never race to win, but i love it nonetheless. crossing the finish line is one of the greatest feelings in the world, i don't care if i'm first or last (note: i have actually finished last in a race. it was just as awful as you imagine it would be, with most people gone, and them taking down the tents, and all the bagels being gone... but i honestly didn't care. it was the hardest thing i had ever done, and i was SO proud that i finished it. even if my boyfriend at the time was convinced i was dead in a ditch).
anyway. my race list. there are a lot of things on it, and man, i want to do them well. i want to be a RUNNER. i want to be a TRIATHLETE. i don't want to have to stop and walk. i don't want to win - but i want to finish strong, i want to not be embarrassed, i want to be proud of my photos at the end. and i know that to do those things - i need to lose weight. there aren't a lot of 200+ pound marathoners out there.
so i'm starting again tomorrow. my plan for the week is to not eat sugar in any form - real or fake. i'm also going to start p90x on march 1st. i'm ready to stop feeling like a failure- thanks for cheering me on!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
step forward, step back...
this could be the mantra of my life. i think the actual saying is "two steps forward, one step back" - my version is "one step forward, two steps back..."
anyway i'm still fat. failed miserably at the no-bread-group idea. i love carbs so much i just LOVE them and i justcan't choose not to say no to them. weight this morning was 204. i was so busy this week that i haven't run since monday, and when i went out today with my friend, i made it 3 miles and thought i was going to die. somehow i am supposed to do a half marathon in 7 weeks - not sure how that is going to happen. i am so miserable in my body- so uncomfortable and embarrassed. my clothes (even my fat clothes) look terrible. i went out with some friends this morning and various photos ended up on facebook- and i am MORTIFIED. i can't believe that i have turned into the fat girl in pictures. i hardly recognize myself. and knowing that so many other people are seeing me like this (ex boyfriend for example) makes me want to crawl in a hole. i HATE it. why is this SO HARD?? i know so many things in my life would be better if i were thinner. but i feel so hopeless about making it happen. ugh :o(
so anyway, that is my two steps back. let's talk about my step forward!
in financial news (i told you i would have news!) i have a new job!! after years of thinking about it, i finally signed on to be in independent consultant with rodan + field dermatologists. i'm really excited about it. i had to drain my savings for the initial investment (don't be TOO alarmed, my savings was all of $500) but i feel confident that i can earn that back and then some. i have a great mentor/coach in the business (thanks goetzgirl!) and i'm crossing my fingers i can make this work. i don't need a million dollars (like the company's top rep makes!), i just need a few. so if you've ever thought about getting the best non-prescription anti-aging skincare system on the planet, you are hereby invited to visit my new website: https://sarahk.myrandf.com/. no pressure ;o)
(p.s. i'm hosting a little wine & cheese party next friday for my business "launch" and i have to say i'm nervous- it's like being in high school again, what if no one comes??)
what else to tell you. i have no plans for the week upcoming so hopefully i'll be able to get back into my training runs. i am also thinking about starting p90x on march 1st... but wow 90 days is a long time and double wow, those workouts intimidate me. plus i think the only time i could commit to doing it would be in the mornings before work and we all know how i feel about getting up early to work out (don't we? in case we don't, let me tell you. i feel very very badly about it). but my current regimen of doing very little and hoping that it works isn't turning out to be very effective in the whole losing-weight objective, so perhaps i should just suck it up already.
i'll keep you posted! cheers-
anyway i'm still fat. failed miserably at the no-bread-group idea. i love carbs so much i just LOVE them and i just
so anyway, that is my two steps back. let's talk about my step forward!
in financial news (i told you i would have news!) i have a new job!! after years of thinking about it, i finally signed on to be in independent consultant with rodan + field dermatologists. i'm really excited about it. i had to drain my savings for the initial investment (don't be TOO alarmed, my savings was all of $500) but i feel confident that i can earn that back and then some. i have a great mentor/coach in the business (thanks goetzgirl!) and i'm crossing my fingers i can make this work. i don't need a million dollars (like the company's top rep makes!), i just need a few. so if you've ever thought about getting the best non-prescription anti-aging skincare system on the planet, you are hereby invited to visit my new website: https://sarahk.myrandf.com/. no pressure ;o)
(p.s. i'm hosting a little wine & cheese party next friday for my business "launch" and i have to say i'm nervous- it's like being in high school again, what if no one comes??)
what else to tell you. i have no plans for the week upcoming so hopefully i'll be able to get back into my training runs. i am also thinking about starting p90x on march 1st... but wow 90 days is a long time and double wow, those workouts intimidate me. plus i think the only time i could commit to doing it would be in the mornings before work and we all know how i feel about getting up early to work out (don't we? in case we don't, let me tell you. i feel very very badly about it). but my current regimen of doing very little and hoping that it works isn't turning out to be very effective in the whole losing-weight objective, so perhaps i should just suck it up already.
i'll keep you posted! cheers-
Monday, February 20, 2012
long run
i did my first "long" run in training this morning - 4 miles. it didn't feel too bad, surprisingly. i'm finally realizing that when you run slower than you actually are able to run, you can run longer. revolutionary, i know. anyway i knocked that out this morning, and now i'm sitting here with my black cherry chobani, contemplating the rest of the day.
it's presidents' day (cheers, abe and george) and i have the day off of work. on my to-do list are run (check) do laundry (scrounging for quarters even as we speak), try on all of my pants to see if any new ones happen to fit (i am sicksicksick of the 4 pairs that currently fit - i've been rotating them for months), write a couple of letters, and get my p90x plan together. if i were a good person i would also vacuum.
in fat news, i have to confess that i didn't follow goetzgirl's advice quite as closely as i should have. i did avoid all bread, yes, but i didn't exactly avoid the bread GROUP. that seems like it's going to be a lot harder. but since i haven't gotten any other suggestions so far, i'm going to give that another go this week.
it's presidents' day (cheers, abe and george) and i have the day off of work. on my to-do list are run (check) do laundry (scrounging for quarters even as we speak), try on all of my pants to see if any new ones happen to fit (i am sicksicksick of the 4 pairs that currently fit - i've been rotating them for months), write a couple of letters, and get my p90x plan together. if i were a good person i would also vacuum.
in fat news, i have to confess that i didn't follow goetzgirl's advice quite as closely as i should have. i did avoid all bread, yes, but i didn't exactly avoid the bread GROUP. that seems like it's going to be a lot harder. but since i haven't gotten any other suggestions so far, i'm going to give that another go this week.
in motivation-for-not-being-fat news, i submit for your consideration the bridesmaid dress that i will be wearing in july:
 |
| courtesy of David's Bridal |
if you know me, you will agree that this is likely not the best style for me. also, you will know that i don't look REMOTELY like this. for those that don't know me, just know that it is going to be a stretch for me to wrangle the girls into a strapless dress. it's never been done, people!
so that has me freaking out a bit.
in financial news, there's an opportunity that has been knocking around in my head for a few months (ok, years) that i've repeatedly said no to... but i'm wondering if it might be time to say yes. i keep asking God and the universe and my family and my friends for help, and this one thing keeps popping up. i'm scared, to be honest, of trying something new and failing- that has kept me from saying yes for a long time. but you know, desperate times and all that.
and also, i want to live my life with no excuses, no opportunities wasted. and there's an opportunity in front of me, so i think it's time to say yes.
unfortunately for you (most of you anyway) you're going to have to sit there in suspense until i sign on the dotted line. stay tuned for the big reveal...
Thursday, February 16, 2012
small victories
the topic of the day for one of my favorite blogs was "small victories" which resonated with me today... no big strides forward, but i did accomplish the following:
1. didn't eat any bread. i gave away my muffin at lunch (literally. that's not a euphemism ;o) )
2. i took the d-o-double-g for a longer-than-normal walk
3. i cooked dinner, not the tastiest chicken ever, but it was low in fat and high in veggies (yay spinach)
4. i ran 2 miles on the treadmill. it was a struggle but i didn't quit
also, at work today, two people, totally independently of each other, told me they could tell i'm losing weight. that felt GREAT. that felt like a HUGE victory.
thanks for celebrating the victories with me! my shit is ever-so-slightly more together.
1. didn't eat any bread. i gave away my muffin at lunch (literally. that's not a euphemism ;o) )
2. i took the d-o-double-g for a longer-than-normal walk
3. i cooked dinner, not the tastiest chicken ever, but it was low in fat and high in veggies (yay spinach)
4. i ran 2 miles on the treadmill. it was a struggle but i didn't quit
also, at work today, two people, totally independently of each other, told me they could tell i'm losing weight. that felt GREAT. that felt like a HUGE victory.
thanks for celebrating the victories with me! my shit is ever-so-slightly more together.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
taking your advice.
today was day one without bread. i ate 2 cookies though, does that count? but i ate my (revolting) sandwich at lunch without the bread. (note to self, and others: do not eat a spicy southwest buffalo bratwurst. ever. for any reason).
i set my alarm to wake up early this morning to run, since i had dinner plans after work. BUT when the alarm went off... i promptly reset it. i am NOT an early riser. but in a fortuitous turn of events, my dinner date cancelled, so i had the evening free after all and got in a 3 mile run. it kind of sucked (running is hard when you are fat) but i did it.
i also went to the store and bought all the ingredients (i almost wrote "fixin's" and then i remembered that i am not southern) for my week's worth of meals (another plug for emeals- i LOVE having a shopping list created for me). i love cooking like this - getting at least 4 servings from a meal means i have dinner and lunch the next day plus two more meals in the freezer. cook once, eat 4 times.
and my big success at the grocery store was that i didn't buy any treats - often when i shop (and especially right before i'm starting some crazy diet) i decide that i need ice cream and some of those amazing and deadly lofthouse cookies. but not today.
also the scale said 204 this morning, so there's some progress already.
and i signed up for the san francisco half marathon in july, which will keep me motivated!
in other exciting news, i got a refund check from geico for $200. this is going to let me get a haircut, and a car wash, some plants, and a full tank of gas withOUT putting anything more on the credit card. that's good news, right?
i set my alarm to wake up early this morning to run, since i had dinner plans after work. BUT when the alarm went off... i promptly reset it. i am NOT an early riser. but in a fortuitous turn of events, my dinner date cancelled, so i had the evening free after all and got in a 3 mile run. it kind of sucked (running is hard when you are fat) but i did it.
i also went to the store and bought all the ingredients (i almost wrote "fixin's" and then i remembered that i am not southern) for my week's worth of meals (another plug for emeals- i LOVE having a shopping list created for me). i love cooking like this - getting at least 4 servings from a meal means i have dinner and lunch the next day plus two more meals in the freezer. cook once, eat 4 times.
and my big success at the grocery store was that i didn't buy any treats - often when i shop (and especially right before i'm starting some crazy diet) i decide that i need ice cream and some of those amazing and deadly lofthouse cookies. but not today.
also the scale said 204 this morning, so there's some progress already.
and i signed up for the san francisco half marathon in july, which will keep me motivated!
in other exciting news, i got a refund check from geico for $200. this is going to let me get a haircut, and a car wash, some plants, and a full tank of gas withOUT putting anything more on the credit card. that's good news, right?
Monday, February 13, 2012
home sick = time to think
i stayed home sick from work today which was nice in that i slept for about 16 straight hours, and that i got to hang with the puppy after being away from her all weekend. not so nice in that i have been blowing my nose every 10 minutes or so. bleah. but it was nice to spend the day at home.
anyway i've spent some time thinking about my current situation. i'm tired of going on crazy diets that don't really work. i'm tired of fighting with myself day after day about what i should and shouldn't eat. when i think about the person i want to be, that person is calm and in control about food- not overly restrictive, and not helpless in the face of cupcakes... just reasonable and restrained. i want to be in a place where there's nothing i "can't" eat - but there's nothing i can't NOT eat, either. kohtuus kaikessa, as they say. moderation in all things.
so, a few decisions. first, true to my word, i'm going to follow the advice of goetzgirl, and nix the bread group this week as much as possible.
second, i'm going to take my half-marathon training program seriously, and make time to run at least 4 days a week.
third, since i'm not going to go on a crazy diet, and i have a very hard time with meal planning and shopping, i joined a website called emeals - it's one of those services that creates a weekly meal plan for you, complete with shopping list. i selected the low-fat meal plan, and will aim to cook at home (and thus eat at home, and bring leftovers for lunch) most days of the week. their website is very pretty, and my first week of meals sounds very tasty, so i'm excited about getting started.
fourth, i'm going to dig out my p90x dvds. i never made it past about day 3 when i started the program the first time- i can do better than that. i'm not sure when i'm going to start- but i'm at least going to get organized about it.
the OTHER thing to tell you is that i got some nice motivation the other day - one of my friends just announced her engagement and honored me greatly by inviting me to be a bridesmaid. the wedding is july 28th, and i am very excited. in addition to it being a huge milestone in the life of my friend, it's also a perfect goal for me to work towards- i want to look great in my dress!
i also got a couple of books that i'm looking forward to reading... one is called "50 ways to soothe yourself without food," by susan albers (which should be pretty self-explanatory), and the other is "the self-compassion diet: a step-by-step program to lose weight with loving-kindness," by jean fain. don't those both sound nice? i'll let you know what i think of them in a later post.
well that's it for now. i'm feeling more optimistic now, with some plans, and feeling very grateful for the love and support of YOU, dear readers.
anyway i've spent some time thinking about my current situation. i'm tired of going on crazy diets that don't really work. i'm tired of fighting with myself day after day about what i should and shouldn't eat. when i think about the person i want to be, that person is calm and in control about food- not overly restrictive, and not helpless in the face of cupcakes... just reasonable and restrained. i want to be in a place where there's nothing i "can't" eat - but there's nothing i can't NOT eat, either. kohtuus kaikessa, as they say. moderation in all things.
so, a few decisions. first, true to my word, i'm going to follow the advice of goetzgirl, and nix the bread group this week as much as possible.
second, i'm going to take my half-marathon training program seriously, and make time to run at least 4 days a week.
third, since i'm not going to go on a crazy diet, and i have a very hard time with meal planning and shopping, i joined a website called emeals - it's one of those services that creates a weekly meal plan for you, complete with shopping list. i selected the low-fat meal plan, and will aim to cook at home (and thus eat at home, and bring leftovers for lunch) most days of the week. their website is very pretty, and my first week of meals sounds very tasty, so i'm excited about getting started.
fourth, i'm going to dig out my p90x dvds. i never made it past about day 3 when i started the program the first time- i can do better than that. i'm not sure when i'm going to start- but i'm at least going to get organized about it.
the OTHER thing to tell you is that i got some nice motivation the other day - one of my friends just announced her engagement and honored me greatly by inviting me to be a bridesmaid. the wedding is july 28th, and i am very excited. in addition to it being a huge milestone in the life of my friend, it's also a perfect goal for me to work towards- i want to look great in my dress!
i also got a couple of books that i'm looking forward to reading... one is called "50 ways to soothe yourself without food," by susan albers (which should be pretty self-explanatory), and the other is "the self-compassion diet: a step-by-step program to lose weight with loving-kindness," by jean fain. don't those both sound nice? i'll let you know what i think of them in a later post.
well that's it for now. i'm feeling more optimistic now, with some plans, and feeling very grateful for the love and support of YOU, dear readers.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
one week later
hi, loyal readers. um, reader.
i still have only told a few people about this, and i'm hesitant to tell more people. i feel so OUT there and vulnerable. and ashamed, if i'm being honest. i hate admitting to people the truth about where i am - where i've let myself get to.
where have i gotten to? well it's sunday, and in typical it's-ALMOST-the-start-of-a-new-week fashion, i ordered a pizza for dinner, seeing as how i'll start my new diet tomorrow, and all. i'm not sure why i do the things i do not want to do, and what i want to do, i don't. perhaps paul has some advice. i got home, and have a cold, and dad's birthday party was rescheduled, and i had no plans and felt so bereft... and pizza filled the void.
obviously up until now i've completely glossed over any of the actual reasons why i overeat. it's not really about the yumminess of food (although it IS awfully yummy), i know. and you know. we both know, and we know that i know. what it's really about is my using food as a distraction, as a medication, as a substitute. it helps me not feel all the things i don't want to feel. and the problem is, it works. at least temporarily.
i just got back home from an awesome weekend in atlanta with three of my greatest friends in the world. being with them is always good - it's fun, it's educational (they know way more about celebrity gossip and college conferences that i can even believe), and it's fortifying. we have been friends for a long time- through many hard times. being with people who know me so well and who have been with me through so much is always refreshing - it lets me relax in ways i generaly can't. this weekend was a bit different for me though - i didn't want to talk about how i'm doing or what i'm feeling, and i was very nearly successful in avoiding any real discussion about my own situation altogether. i got cornered with a few poignant questions late last night, but overall i avoided much of any discusison about my personal life at the moment.
which is good, because i'm a mess. i seriously don't have my shit together.
i've never felt so sad and hopeless ever before in my life. being overweight and underfinanced is a big part of it - both cause of and effect of. it's been an extremely hard year- multiple sicknesses, my first DNSs (more than one) at races, steady weight gain, being passed over for a promotion that i had EARNED, a slow and wrenching breakup, a move back "home" where nothing was as i had left it, noticibly aging parents, a downward financial spiral, and a heartbreak that won't heal. i feel lost, and utterly hopeless. i don't see a happy future. i am so tired of the constant struggle that never gets me anywhere. i need to feel some success, some result from my efforts. but i even sabotage myself- and i never move forward. i'm in a deep black hole, and i can't get out.
anyway. all of this is to say, i don't feel like i'll be able to get a real handle on my eating/weight issues until i can address my emotional/psychological issues.
which probably would require going to a therapist. which would probably require PAYING said therapist. which i can't afford.
ugh.
the 'experts' suggest getting exercise, and sunlight, and spending time with positive people, and having a pet, as inexpensive depression aids. well, i've got those things, and am doing my best to take advantage of them all.
and i've got you, cheering me on, and so i'm not ready to give up quite yet.
tomorrow IS a new day, after all.
i still have only told a few people about this, and i'm hesitant to tell more people. i feel so OUT there and vulnerable. and ashamed, if i'm being honest. i hate admitting to people the truth about where i am - where i've let myself get to.
where have i gotten to? well it's sunday, and in typical it's-ALMOST-the-start-of-a-new-week fashion, i ordered a pizza for dinner, seeing as how i'll start my new diet tomorrow, and all. i'm not sure why i do the things i do not want to do, and what i want to do, i don't. perhaps paul has some advice. i got home, and have a cold, and dad's birthday party was rescheduled, and i had no plans and felt so bereft... and pizza filled the void.
obviously up until now i've completely glossed over any of the actual reasons why i overeat. it's not really about the yumminess of food (although it IS awfully yummy), i know. and you know. we both know, and we know that i know. what it's really about is my using food as a distraction, as a medication, as a substitute. it helps me not feel all the things i don't want to feel. and the problem is, it works. at least temporarily.
i just got back home from an awesome weekend in atlanta with three of my greatest friends in the world. being with them is always good - it's fun, it's educational (they know way more about celebrity gossip and college conferences that i can even believe), and it's fortifying. we have been friends for a long time- through many hard times. being with people who know me so well and who have been with me through so much is always refreshing - it lets me relax in ways i generaly can't. this weekend was a bit different for me though - i didn't want to talk about how i'm doing or what i'm feeling, and i was very nearly successful in avoiding any real discussion about my own situation altogether. i got cornered with a few poignant questions late last night, but overall i avoided much of any discusison about my personal life at the moment.
which is good, because i'm a mess. i seriously don't have my shit together.
i've never felt so sad and hopeless ever before in my life. being overweight and underfinanced is a big part of it - both cause of and effect of. it's been an extremely hard year- multiple sicknesses, my first DNSs (more than one) at races, steady weight gain, being passed over for a promotion that i had EARNED, a slow and wrenching breakup, a move back "home" where nothing was as i had left it, noticibly aging parents, a downward financial spiral, and a heartbreak that won't heal. i feel lost, and utterly hopeless. i don't see a happy future. i am so tired of the constant struggle that never gets me anywhere. i need to feel some success, some result from my efforts. but i even sabotage myself- and i never move forward. i'm in a deep black hole, and i can't get out.
anyway. all of this is to say, i don't feel like i'll be able to get a real handle on my eating/weight issues until i can address my emotional/psychological issues.
which probably would require going to a therapist. which would probably require PAYING said therapist. which i can't afford.
ugh.
the 'experts' suggest getting exercise, and sunlight, and spending time with positive people, and having a pet, as inexpensive depression aids. well, i've got those things, and am doing my best to take advantage of them all.
and i've got you, cheering me on, and so i'm not ready to give up quite yet.
tomorrow IS a new day, after all.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
update
quick update. i'm still fat. i'm still financially screwed. BUT there's a bit of good news. i did my taxes, and it turns out i'm getting enough back from the feds to pay back the money i owe my sister. yeah! that is one weight off my mind, to be sure.
in fat news, i've taken my own past advice and signed up for a few spring running events - i find when i have a goal (or several) to work towards, i am much better about getting exercise. race #1 is tomorrow - the superbowl 5k. we got about 20 inches of snow over the past 2 days, and i have done precisely NO training, so it should be an interesting morning.
i've got a 58-story stair climb on february 26, a 7k run in march, and a half marathon in april. all that running HAS to help me lose weight, right?
also, just for the record, i haven't actually told anyone about this blog yet, which is why no one has commented, or given me any suggestions :o)
in fat news, i've taken my own past advice and signed up for a few spring running events - i find when i have a goal (or several) to work towards, i am much better about getting exercise. race #1 is tomorrow - the superbowl 5k. we got about 20 inches of snow over the past 2 days, and i have done precisely NO training, so it should be an interesting morning.
i've got a 58-story stair climb on february 26, a 7k run in march, and a half marathon in april. all that running HAS to help me lose weight, right?
also, just for the record, i haven't actually told anyone about this blog yet, which is why no one has commented, or given me any suggestions :o)
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
fat
just to be fair, i'd like to give my fat some time in the spotlight as well. why should finances get all the attention?
so i'm 5'10" and 207. in my day, i have run some marathons, and done triathlons, and long distance bike rides. my weight has been as low as 135, and as high as, well about 210. my best weight is around 150.
my main problems are that i love eating, and i'm kind of lazy. i'm good at doing very short stints of crazy diets, and then going home and making peanut butter cookies. making and eating, of course. and i really do love riding my bike and being active, i just struggle so much to take that first step, and to maintain a routine.
i know i have it in me to be thin and fit, i just can't seem to tap into that inner strength and motivation and enthusiasm.
i'm not sure what else to say about it. i think a lot of people have the same challenges. but also a lot of people have overcome them. any suggestions?
so i'm 5'10" and 207. in my day, i have run some marathons, and done triathlons, and long distance bike rides. my weight has been as low as 135, and as high as, well about 210. my best weight is around 150.
my main problems are that i love eating, and i'm kind of lazy. i'm good at doing very short stints of crazy diets, and then going home and making peanut butter cookies. making and eating, of course. and i really do love riding my bike and being active, i just struggle so much to take that first step, and to maintain a routine.
i know i have it in me to be thin and fit, i just can't seem to tap into that inner strength and motivation and enthusiasm.
i'm not sure what else to say about it. i think a lot of people have the same challenges. but also a lot of people have overcome them. any suggestions?
Monday, January 30, 2012
finances
as promised, here's a rundown of my financial situation. this is hard to admit - but i'm serious about changing my life, so there's no point in hiding the truth. ready? here we go.
monthly income:
$3600 + $1150 alimony payment = $4750
(my health insurance and retirement are taken out already) (and the alimony disappears after june)
monthly expenses:
$1150 student loans
$915 mortgage (includes homeowners insurance, taxes, water, trash)
$333 HOA membership and parking
$300 loan payment to my sister
$130 charitable contributions
$26 life insurance
$38 pet health insurance
$180 cell phone
$100 car insurance
$18 loan payment for retirement loan
$65 cable/internet
$35 electricity
$50 prescription copays
$1000 credit card payments (the minimums are around $500 total)
$400 food/gas/entertainment/everything else
ok that is my budget. here are my debts:
loan from my sister:
$1,200 remaining
credit cards:
$8,750 - citi
$5,750 - citi (2)
$17,092 - capital 1
$31,592 - total
plus the mortgage and student loans, but i'm not worried about that at this point. if i can get the credit cards paid off, i'll be able to manage the student loan payments within my current budget. in an ideal world, i'll pay off the credit cards and my sister by july, so i can take the $1300 i'm currently paying towards them, and just transfer that towards my student loans.
is it crazy to think i can come up with $32,000 in 5 months?? it feels crazy. it feels impossible, actually. although i'm already planning to pay $5,000 between now and then, so i really only need $27,000 more. that's just over $5,000 per month. it could happen, right??
aieee!!! this is why i'm panicking.
so this is my situation. just for the record, a) i feel extremely fortunate to have all the money and luxuries that i have (cell phone, cable tv, etc). i don't mean to take any of that for granted. and b) i take full responsibility for the situation i'm in. i haven't always made the best choices, and i'm not making any excuses. i've gotten myself into this position - and i'm prepared to work to get myself out of it.
so i need help. i'm willing to take on another job, or do freelance, or babysit, housesit, dogsit... i'll work nights and weekends, i'll clean houses or offices, i'll proofread foreign students' term papers... i'll do pretty much anything! do you have any ideas?
monthly income:
$3600 + $1150 alimony payment = $4750
(my health insurance and retirement are taken out already) (and the alimony disappears after june)
monthly expenses:
$1150 student loans
$915 mortgage (includes homeowners insurance, taxes, water, trash)
$333 HOA membership and parking
$300 loan payment to my sister
$130 charitable contributions
$26 life insurance
$38 pet health insurance
$180 cell phone
$100 car insurance
$18 loan payment for retirement loan
$65 cable/internet
$35 electricity
$50 prescription copays
$1000 credit card payments (the minimums are around $500 total)
$400 food/gas/entertainment/everything else
ok that is my budget. here are my debts:
loan from my sister:
$1,200 remaining
credit cards:
$8,750 - citi
$5,750 - citi (2)
$17,092 - capital 1
$31,592 - total
plus the mortgage and student loans, but i'm not worried about that at this point. if i can get the credit cards paid off, i'll be able to manage the student loan payments within my current budget. in an ideal world, i'll pay off the credit cards and my sister by july, so i can take the $1300 i'm currently paying towards them, and just transfer that towards my student loans.
is it crazy to think i can come up with $32,000 in 5 months?? it feels crazy. it feels impossible, actually. although i'm already planning to pay $5,000 between now and then, so i really only need $27,000 more. that's just over $5,000 per month. it could happen, right??
aieee!!! this is why i'm panicking.
so this is my situation. just for the record, a) i feel extremely fortunate to have all the money and luxuries that i have (cell phone, cable tv, etc). i don't mean to take any of that for granted. and b) i take full responsibility for the situation i'm in. i haven't always made the best choices, and i'm not making any excuses. i've gotten myself into this position - and i'm prepared to work to get myself out of it.
so i need help. i'm willing to take on another job, or do freelance, or babysit, housesit, dogsit... i'll work nights and weekends, i'll clean houses or offices, i'll proofread foreign students' term papers... i'll do pretty much anything! do you have any ideas?
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