the scale don't lie

big victory today - my scale this morning said 194.0 - so i've officially lost 20 pounds since january 1.  wow, it is HARD - and all the work seems so fruitless so often- but to see the numbers there in... well, not in print...  in digital?  anyway, seeing that number was pretty awesome.  granted, i still have 40 or so to go- but i'm a third of the way there- in a third of a year...  so perhaps NEXT january 1, that scale will be where i want.

so that was a nice way to start the day.

but let's see, it's been another long while since i've posted.  sorry about that.  but there's actually a reason for this, which i am having a hard time articulating.  the reason is, my blog has a Lurker.  there's someone who reads this (hasn't joined, never comments, just reads) - and thinks bad things about me.  the Lurker judges me harshly - measures me against their own standards of behavior, and finds me lacking.  the Lurker rolls their eyes and fumes about how the reason i am where i am is that i made a whole shit load of bad decisions, and i should stop being depressed about it, and i should take responsibility for it, and quit moaning about it to everyone else.

so when i write, i feel scorned and judged, which feels crappy.

so i'm just going to say to the Lurker, i scorn and judge myself PLENTY ALREADY, thank you, and if you don't want to read what i'm thinking and feeling, please just don't read it.  please let me have this space to vent and cry and hope and imagine and ask for help.  please take your hurtful presence someplace else, and leave me and this space in peace.


that feels better.


ok so shall we get caught up a bit?  let's see - we got the fat part, which i'm skipping about.  i'm currently doing a semi-cleanse, semi in that i can't actually bear to not eat for more than about 2.5 days, so after not chewing since sunday night, i made myself a big bowl of pasta and cheese tonight.  it was delicious.  but back to the pink drink and green drink tomorrow!  i've got a 10 mile race on sunday, which will be ugly, since i haven't run a STEP since my half marathon about 5 weeks ago...  yes, the half marathon that took me two and a half hours...  so sunday's race will be a pisser, i can only imagine.  but that being said, i'm actually looking forward to digging out my sporty clothes again and getting back into the swing of working out, running, cycling, etc.  i've been a sloth for too long.

in money news...  i was given the 'thanks but no thanks' on the job in phoenix, which was vaguely disappointing but honestly was a great blessing - that was such a cool job, it would have been VERY hard to say no to, and having to leave denver would have been harder than i think i could bear right now.  but it leaves me in the position of still needing a better job.  so. 

i'm moving out of my beautiful condo.

it's breaking my heart, i have to admit it.  but i don't see any other option.  i have to have more money so i can pay my bills, and my housing is really the only thing i can change.  so i'm putting it up for lease, and looking for a cheap place to move in to for the next year or two (hopefully just one).  please say a couple of prayers on my behalf - that i can find a good renter who will pay what i'm asking, and that i can find a nice, safe, cheap place to live where daisy will also be welcome.

this is stressing me out and bumming me out.  a lot.  but i'm powering through- what else can you do?

fortunately, i've had some awesome support - mom and dad, and sisko and ace, and std and goldielocks and baby new wash, are all so amazing and supportive.  i'm grateful that i'm not alone.  i've been given dishes and wine glasses, and gift cards for groceries, had offers of furniture and temporary housing,  and cards in the mail, and dinners out...  it all makes me feel so much more hopeful, and not alone. 


i'm also looking (half-heartedly) for a new job.  i ultimately need to make more money, in addition to spending less.  and also, i need to work someplace where smarts and talent and hard work are recognized and rewarded, vs. ignored and taken for granted.  so there's another prayer for your ever-growing list, if you don't mind. 

one thing i will highly recommend, while we're at it, is that you all go to your linkedin profile and ask former (and current?) colleagues for recommendations.  wow.  i did that this week, and 6 or 8 people have responded, and holy cow, talk about an ego boost.  after working in a place for 6 years where my boss has never once told me i've done a good job, to read the nice things that other people have to say about me has been so uplifting and encouraging.  it turns out that i DO have something to offer, and i DO make a difference, and people DO value and appreciate me.  it's nice.

so what else. 

fat, finances...  those are my two big issues for now. we'll work on the other ones some other day.  in the meantime, thanks for walking this walk with me - thanks for cheering me on!