a few updates to share, as the month winds down. i've had my condo "for rent" for a few weeks now with no real interest (perhaps because i've been asking a FORTUNE for it). but as the days have passed and the thought of moving becomes more of a reality... my heart and soul are screaming for me to find another way. i LOVE my home. i've been so unsettled for so long, and i finally have a place that is pretty, and safe, and comfortable, and decorated just how i want it... and most of all, MINE... i honestly can't bear to give it up. the thought of moving has been breaking my heart - it's too much.
so.
so i spent a good part of the weekend re-examining the financial situation. as it now stands, if i pay all my bills (including student loans) and the MINIMUMS on my credit cards, i will have about $100 left over each month for food, gas, etc. (which seems impossible... but of course, lots of people live on less than $100 a month. i'll just need to seriously reevaluate my habits. but if it means staying in my home, i think i could learn to LOVE beans and rice. for every meal). that also means that i can't put anything else ON the credit cards. and it means my credit cards will effectively NEVER get paid off.
anyway. realizing that this is not realistic nor the wisest course of action, i also applied for a student loan consolidation loan. no news yet on whether it's been approved... apparently they send you their decision in writing? because it's 1885 and email hasn't been invented yet? so i'm waiting by the mailbox to see what the decision is. my current payments are so high because a couple of the loans were on a 15 year plan, so if i could get them stretched out another 15 years or so, that would make a huge difference. i realize you end up paying SO MUCH MORE in the long run, but again, if it means i can keep my house in the short run, it's worth it.
also i will need to make more money - this hasn't changed. let's discuss.
option 1, the Potential Job in phoenix, appears to be (once again) off the table. (which is fine by me, by the way, living in phoenix is Not Appealing).
option 2, rock the R+F business, is still a possibility, though i find i don't have quite the personality to rock this as much as i'd hoped. i'm not giving up, but i just expect to make slow progress.
option 3, get a raise at the current job, is as likely as winning the lottery (which i don't play)
option 4, get a new job, still seems to be the only truly rational option.
but i HATE LOOKING FOR A JOB!!!
it is the worst thing EVER. you feel like a total loser and a perpetual failure and UGH it never ends (until you find a job, i guess). also my main stumbling block about finding a new job is, what on earth am i actually qualified to DO? i've been working in non profit for my entire career, and i have NO idea how my skills transfer over in to the "real" world. who has ideas about how to position oneself in an entirely new industry?
so that's my current situation with the finances. shit = still not together.
in other news, the fat shit = also still not together.
my weight continues to fluctuate wildly - i was at 194 on sunday morning, 198 today. it makes me want to scream and spit. my buddies ace and std and i are doing a 5-day sugar detox this week which ALSO makes me want to scream and spit, if only i had the energy. i have to say, i am one day into it, and i am furious and desperately sad and elated and confused and SO HUNGRY. we'll see if i can make it another 4 days. it shouldn't be this hard, should it? truly i am a sugar addict.
i did go for a couple of fun bike rides over the weekend. it's kind of lonely though - riding by yourself. i need some of my buddies (ahem, goldielocks) to join me!
so that's the latest, from the end of may. i honestly don't know how i'm going to get all this shit together.
xoxo
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