i came across an ad in a magazine a few weeks ago (i think it was for a hotel) that said, 'come back to your best self.' it stopped me cold. it made me want to cry. (i don't often get a lump in my throat from an advertisement). i ripped it out of the magazine and have been carrying it around with me ever since.
come back to your best self.
come back.
(but i don't know where to come back to... i don't know where i left her)
i do know that i am not my best self right now. i am not living my best life. and i have no one to blame but myself. for quite a while now i've been making excuses, feeling sorry for myself, giving in to the desires and whims of my basic nature, not holding myself accountable to my true higher self. i'm so disappointed in myself. so tired and sick of who i have become.
i want to be my best self. i want to be someone i'm proud of. i want to be healthy, i want to be a good friend, i want to be a good daughter and sister, i want to be true to who i am and work to achieve the life i want to live.
it feels so overwhelming though. i'm so far from where i want to be. i'm fat and lazy. i'm working at a job that doesn't challenge or fulfill me. i'm not pursuing my interests and passions. i'm in serious debt. this isn't who i want to be- this isn't me at my best.
i'm disappointed.
i know i'm capable of so much more. i've been given so much - brains and talent and opportunities - and i feel like i'm wasting it all. i'm moving through my life but am i really LIVING it? am i taking advantage of what's in front of me? am i observant, and grateful, and active? i think for the most part, i'm not. i'm going through all the motions- going to work, doing the laundry, taking the dog for little walks. but i'm not using my brain, i'm not keeping my body healthy and strong, i'm not giving back to my community and world. my life is passing me by while i sit in my house and watch the trees cycle through their colors.
so i've been thinking, and asking myself over and over, what is my best self? what does my best life look like? especially within the constraints that i'm faced with (honoring my debts, caring for my dog, living within my means). what does my best ME look like?
i did a few things this week to point me in the right direction. i invited a friend over for dinner tonight (she couldn't come, but if i want to spend time with my friends, why do i wait for them to invite ME?). i bought a book of local hikes (if i love hiking in colorado, why do i not go? why do i constantly make excuses?). i bought a long-overdue pair of running shoes (i have a half marathon in 3 weeks that i haven't started training for. my old shoes were awful. my new ones are cheap but adequate). i took several days off of work and did all the things i've been putting off (filing all the bills and paperwork, cleaning the kitchen, running endless errands). my life feels organized, and i have everything i need. i make so many excuses for not doing what i need to do (and even WANT to do) - i'm waiting until i have a boyfriend, i'm waiting until i find a friend who also likes to do the thing i want to do, i'm waiting until i'm thinner, i'm waiting until someone asks me... i don't want to keep waiting. i want to live my best life NOW.
so what is the best me? the best me works every day to be strong in body and strong in mind and strong in character. this means that the best me eats carefully, and exercises every day. the best me reads books more and watches tv less. the best me reaches out to my friends. the best me rides my bike and goes hiking and takes the dog for long walks. the best me doesn't spend money that i don't have, and doesn't buy things that i don't need. the best me is never so 'poor' as to not be generous with anyone who needs it - friend or stranger.
i want to be a better person. someone you are proud to call your friend. someone your kids think is cool. someone your parents approve of you hanging out with ;o) i want to live every day like it's january 1 and i'm pursuing a list of resolutions. wake up early, work out, enjoy the sunrise, pack a healthy lunch, take the stairs, be kind to my friends and colleagues, take a walk at lunch, do my work with a good attitude, spend quality time with the d-o-double-g, my friends, and my family, write letters, sweep up the dog hair. i know this is all unrealistic to think i will do every day - but i want it to be the rule, rather than the exception.
so i'm not going to wait until monday, like i do with all my regular 'resolutions.' i'm starting now. i'm going to turn off the computer and play with the pup. and then i'm going to write a letter. and then go to bed early, so i can wake up and get some exercise, and make the most of the day.
thanks for cheering me on, friends.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
end of the month
a few updates to share, as the month winds down. i've had my condo "for rent" for a few weeks now with no real interest (perhaps because i've been asking a FORTUNE for it). but as the days have passed and the thought of moving becomes more of a reality... my heart and soul are screaming for me to find another way. i LOVE my home. i've been so unsettled for so long, and i finally have a place that is pretty, and safe, and comfortable, and decorated just how i want it... and most of all, MINE... i honestly can't bear to give it up. the thought of moving has been breaking my heart - it's too much.
so.
so i spent a good part of the weekend re-examining the financial situation. as it now stands, if i pay all my bills (including student loans) and the MINIMUMS on my credit cards, i will have about $100 left over each month for food, gas, etc. (which seems impossible... but of course, lots of people live on less than $100 a month. i'll just need to seriously reevaluate my habits. but if it means staying in my home, i think i could learn to LOVE beans and rice. for every meal). that also means that i can't put anything else ON the credit cards. and it means my credit cards will effectively NEVER get paid off.
anyway. realizing that this is not realistic nor the wisest course of action, i also applied for a student loan consolidation loan. no news yet on whether it's been approved... apparently they send you their decision in writing? because it's 1885 and email hasn't been invented yet? so i'm waiting by the mailbox to see what the decision is. my current payments are so high because a couple of the loans were on a 15 year plan, so if i could get them stretched out another 15 years or so, that would make a huge difference. i realize you end up paying SO MUCH MORE in the long run, but again, if it means i can keep my house in the short run, it's worth it.
also i will need to make more money - this hasn't changed. let's discuss.
option 1, the Potential Job in phoenix, appears to be (once again) off the table. (which is fine by me, by the way, living in phoenix is Not Appealing).
option 2, rock the R+F business, is still a possibility, though i find i don't have quite the personality to rock this as much as i'd hoped. i'm not giving up, but i just expect to make slow progress.
option 3, get a raise at the current job, is as likely as winning the lottery (which i don't play)
option 4, get a new job, still seems to be the only truly rational option.
but i HATE LOOKING FOR A JOB!!!
it is the worst thing EVER. you feel like a total loser and a perpetual failure and UGH it never ends (until you find a job, i guess). also my main stumbling block about finding a new job is, what on earth am i actually qualified to DO? i've been working in non profit for my entire career, and i have NO idea how my skills transfer over in to the "real" world. who has ideas about how to position oneself in an entirely new industry?
so that's my current situation with the finances. shit = still not together.
in other news, the fat shit = also still not together.
my weight continues to fluctuate wildly - i was at 194 on sunday morning, 198 today. it makes me want to scream and spit. my buddies ace and std and i are doing a 5-day sugar detox this week which ALSO makes me want to scream and spit, if only i had the energy. i have to say, i am one day into it, and i am furious and desperately sad and elated and confused and SO HUNGRY. we'll see if i can make it another 4 days. it shouldn't be this hard, should it? truly i am a sugar addict.
i did go for a couple of fun bike rides over the weekend. it's kind of lonely though - riding by yourself. i need some of my buddies (ahem, goldielocks) to join me!
so that's the latest, from the end of may. i honestly don't know how i'm going to get all this shit together.
xoxo
so.
so i spent a good part of the weekend re-examining the financial situation. as it now stands, if i pay all my bills (including student loans) and the MINIMUMS on my credit cards, i will have about $100 left over each month for food, gas, etc. (which seems impossible... but of course, lots of people live on less than $100 a month. i'll just need to seriously reevaluate my habits. but if it means staying in my home, i think i could learn to LOVE beans and rice. for every meal). that also means that i can't put anything else ON the credit cards. and it means my credit cards will effectively NEVER get paid off.
anyway. realizing that this is not realistic nor the wisest course of action, i also applied for a student loan consolidation loan. no news yet on whether it's been approved... apparently they send you their decision in writing? because it's 1885 and email hasn't been invented yet? so i'm waiting by the mailbox to see what the decision is. my current payments are so high because a couple of the loans were on a 15 year plan, so if i could get them stretched out another 15 years or so, that would make a huge difference. i realize you end up paying SO MUCH MORE in the long run, but again, if it means i can keep my house in the short run, it's worth it.
also i will need to make more money - this hasn't changed. let's discuss.
option 1, the Potential Job in phoenix, appears to be (once again) off the table. (which is fine by me, by the way, living in phoenix is Not Appealing).
option 2, rock the R+F business, is still a possibility, though i find i don't have quite the personality to rock this as much as i'd hoped. i'm not giving up, but i just expect to make slow progress.
option 3, get a raise at the current job, is as likely as winning the lottery (which i don't play)
option 4, get a new job, still seems to be the only truly rational option.
but i HATE LOOKING FOR A JOB!!!
it is the worst thing EVER. you feel like a total loser and a perpetual failure and UGH it never ends (until you find a job, i guess). also my main stumbling block about finding a new job is, what on earth am i actually qualified to DO? i've been working in non profit for my entire career, and i have NO idea how my skills transfer over in to the "real" world. who has ideas about how to position oneself in an entirely new industry?
so that's my current situation with the finances. shit = still not together.
in other news, the fat shit = also still not together.
my weight continues to fluctuate wildly - i was at 194 on sunday morning, 198 today. it makes me want to scream and spit. my buddies ace and std and i are doing a 5-day sugar detox this week which ALSO makes me want to scream and spit, if only i had the energy. i have to say, i am one day into it, and i am furious and desperately sad and elated and confused and SO HUNGRY. we'll see if i can make it another 4 days. it shouldn't be this hard, should it? truly i am a sugar addict.
i did go for a couple of fun bike rides over the weekend. it's kind of lonely though - riding by yourself. i need some of my buddies (ahem, goldielocks) to join me!
so that's the latest, from the end of may. i honestly don't know how i'm going to get all this shit together.
xoxo
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
the scale don't lie
big victory today - my scale this morning said 194.0 - so i've officially lost 20 pounds since january 1. wow, it is HARD - and all the work seems so fruitless so often- but to see the numbers there in... well, not in print... in digital? anyway, seeing that number was pretty awesome. granted, i still have 40 or so to go- but i'm a third of the way there- in a third of a year... so perhaps NEXT january 1, that scale will be where i want.
so that was a nice way to start the day.
but let's see, it's been another long while since i've posted. sorry about that. but there's actually a reason for this, which i am having a hard time articulating. the reason is, my blog has a Lurker. there's someone who reads this (hasn't joined, never comments, just reads) - and thinks bad things about me. the Lurker judges me harshly - measures me against their own standards of behavior, and finds me lacking. the Lurker rolls their eyes and fumes about how the reason i am where i am is that i made a whole shit load of bad decisions, and i should stop being depressed about it, and i should take responsibility for it, and quit moaning about it to everyone else.
so when i write, i feel scorned and judged, which feels crappy.
so i'm just going to say to the Lurker, i scorn and judge myself PLENTY ALREADY, thank you, and if you don't want to read what i'm thinking and feeling, please just don't read it. please let me have this space to vent and cry and hope and imagine and ask for help. please take your hurtful presence someplace else, and leave me and this space in peace.
that feels better.
ok so shall we get caught up a bit? let's see - we got the fat part, which i'm skipping about. i'm currently doing a semi-cleanse, semi in that i can't actually bear to not eat for more than about 2.5 days, so after not chewing since sunday night, i made myself a big bowl of pasta and cheese tonight. it was delicious. but back to the pink drink and green drink tomorrow! i've got a 10 mile race on sunday, which will be ugly, since i haven't run a STEP since my half marathon about 5 weeks ago... yes, the half marathon that took me two and a half hours... so sunday's race will be a pisser, i can only imagine. but that being said, i'm actually looking forward to digging out my sporty clothes again and getting back into the swing of working out, running, cycling, etc. i've been a sloth for too long.
in money news... i was given the 'thanks but no thanks' on the job in phoenix, which was vaguely disappointing but honestly was a great blessing - that was such a cool job, it would have been VERY hard to say no to, and having to leave denver would have been harder than i think i could bear right now. but it leaves me in the position of still needing a better job. so.
i'm moving out of my beautiful condo.
it's breaking my heart, i have to admit it. but i don't see any other option. i have to have more money so i can pay my bills, and my housing is really the only thing i can change. so i'm putting it up for lease, and looking for a cheap place to move in to for the next year or two (hopefully just one). please say a couple of prayers on my behalf - that i can find a good renter who will pay what i'm asking, and that i can find a nice, safe, cheap place to live where daisy will also be welcome.
this is stressing me out and bumming me out. a lot. but i'm powering through- what else can you do?
fortunately, i've had some awesome support - mom and dad, and sisko and ace, and std and goldielocks and baby new wash, are all so amazing and supportive. i'm grateful that i'm not alone. i've been given dishes and wine glasses, and gift cards for groceries, had offers of furniture and temporary housing, and cards in the mail, and dinners out... it all makes me feel so much more hopeful, and not alone.
i'm also looking (half-heartedly) for a new job. i ultimately need to make more money, in addition to spending less. and also, i need to work someplace where smarts and talent and hard work are recognized and rewarded, vs. ignored and taken for granted. so there's another prayer for your ever-growing list, if you don't mind.
one thing i will highly recommend, while we're at it, is that you all go to your linkedin profile and ask former (and current?) colleagues for recommendations. wow. i did that this week, and 6 or 8 people have responded, and holy cow, talk about an ego boost. after working in a place for 6 years where my boss has never once told me i've done a good job, to read the nice things that other people have to say about me has been so uplifting and encouraging. it turns out that i DO have something to offer, and i DO make a difference, and people DO value and appreciate me. it's nice.
so what else.
fat, finances... those are my two big issues for now. we'll work on the other ones some other day. in the meantime, thanks for walking this walk with me - thanks for cheering me on!
so that was a nice way to start the day.
but let's see, it's been another long while since i've posted. sorry about that. but there's actually a reason for this, which i am having a hard time articulating. the reason is, my blog has a Lurker. there's someone who reads this (hasn't joined, never comments, just reads) - and thinks bad things about me. the Lurker judges me harshly - measures me against their own standards of behavior, and finds me lacking. the Lurker rolls their eyes and fumes about how the reason i am where i am is that i made a whole shit load of bad decisions, and i should stop being depressed about it, and i should take responsibility for it, and quit moaning about it to everyone else.
so when i write, i feel scorned and judged, which feels crappy.
so i'm just going to say to the Lurker, i scorn and judge myself PLENTY ALREADY, thank you, and if you don't want to read what i'm thinking and feeling, please just don't read it. please let me have this space to vent and cry and hope and imagine and ask for help. please take your hurtful presence someplace else, and leave me and this space in peace.
that feels better.
ok so shall we get caught up a bit? let's see - we got the fat part, which i'm skipping about. i'm currently doing a semi-cleanse, semi in that i can't actually bear to not eat for more than about 2.5 days, so after not chewing since sunday night, i made myself a big bowl of pasta and cheese tonight. it was delicious. but back to the pink drink and green drink tomorrow! i've got a 10 mile race on sunday, which will be ugly, since i haven't run a STEP since my half marathon about 5 weeks ago... yes, the half marathon that took me two and a half hours... so sunday's race will be a pisser, i can only imagine. but that being said, i'm actually looking forward to digging out my sporty clothes again and getting back into the swing of working out, running, cycling, etc. i've been a sloth for too long.
in money news... i was given the 'thanks but no thanks' on the job in phoenix, which was vaguely disappointing but honestly was a great blessing - that was such a cool job, it would have been VERY hard to say no to, and having to leave denver would have been harder than i think i could bear right now. but it leaves me in the position of still needing a better job. so.
i'm moving out of my beautiful condo.
it's breaking my heart, i have to admit it. but i don't see any other option. i have to have more money so i can pay my bills, and my housing is really the only thing i can change. so i'm putting it up for lease, and looking for a cheap place to move in to for the next year or two (hopefully just one). please say a couple of prayers on my behalf - that i can find a good renter who will pay what i'm asking, and that i can find a nice, safe, cheap place to live where daisy will also be welcome.
this is stressing me out and bumming me out. a lot. but i'm powering through- what else can you do?
fortunately, i've had some awesome support - mom and dad, and sisko and ace, and std and goldielocks and baby new wash, are all so amazing and supportive. i'm grateful that i'm not alone. i've been given dishes and wine glasses, and gift cards for groceries, had offers of furniture and temporary housing, and cards in the mail, and dinners out... it all makes me feel so much more hopeful, and not alone.
i'm also looking (half-heartedly) for a new job. i ultimately need to make more money, in addition to spending less. and also, i need to work someplace where smarts and talent and hard work are recognized and rewarded, vs. ignored and taken for granted. so there's another prayer for your ever-growing list, if you don't mind.
one thing i will highly recommend, while we're at it, is that you all go to your linkedin profile and ask former (and current?) colleagues for recommendations. wow. i did that this week, and 6 or 8 people have responded, and holy cow, talk about an ego boost. after working in a place for 6 years where my boss has never once told me i've done a good job, to read the nice things that other people have to say about me has been so uplifting and encouraging. it turns out that i DO have something to offer, and i DO make a difference, and people DO value and appreciate me. it's nice.
so what else.
fat, finances... those are my two big issues for now. we'll work on the other ones some other day. in the meantime, thanks for walking this walk with me - thanks for cheering me on!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
away for so long
sorry, friends. it's been a while, i know. and after i promised to try harder, even.
it's been a long and tiring few weeks. i've been sick, the d-o-double-g has been sick, i've been traveling... lots of things not conducive to getting one's shit together. i've gone backwards in every way - more weight, more debt. i feel like a Perpetual Failure, and it's exhausting. i'm so tired of starting each new week thinking, THIS week will be different! THIS week i'll eat well, and exercise, and only buy things in cash... THIS week i'll finally gain some ground and get this shit TOGETHER!
ugh.
but i guess you can't ever just give up, can you. i mean, you CAN, but then you end up weighing 650 pounds and losing your house (along with the rest of your shit). and that doesn't seem like an option. somehow hope springs eternal, week after week, and i feel determined and optimistic all over again, despite the prior evidence which suggests that this week, too, will end in failure. but i honestly can't help thinking that one of these days, it's going to click, and i'm going to turn into the person that i've always wanted to be, and leave this strange self behind.
so let's see, let's catch up on the last few weeks. i got a strange lump in my throat that required multiple doctor visits, medications, and a CT scan, and which turned out to be (very thankfully) nothing serious. the pup broke a couple teeth, and then got a urinary tract infection, pancreatitis, and giardia (all on the same day) (it was an ugly night). between her vet bills and my copays and deductibles and what have you, we racked up around $1500 between us. but she's healthy and happy now, as am i, so it's well worth it from my perspective.
though i will say that the stress of having a sick pet, and the uncertainty of my own situation, along with a week of travel for work, caused me to go back to old habits of self soothing with snacks.
so here we are, a few weeks later. my weight this morning is 203. my financial situation is worse than before, though i don't know the exact numbers at the moment (and don't feel like looking it up). the one positive thing is that i got a couple of balance transfer offers, and was able to move some of the money around so that most of the credit card balances are now at 0% for a while. so that's at least a little victory.
i was talking to my mother a few weeks back about the whole money situation. i told her i need a patron saint, so she found me one. well actually, she found me five. i'm pleased to introduce you to my new friends, ivo, lawrence, matthew, nicholas, and roch. they are pretty cool guys, by all accounts, helping the poor and what have you. i've been talking to them every day, which is kind of strange seeing as how 1) i'm not catholic, and was thus raised to believe talking to saints was heretical and 2) they're dead. but i believe that being dead doesn't mean you cease to exist, so why does it mean you can't talk to someone? and i also am not PRAYING to them, just talking to them, so what harm is there in that? anyway i talk to them all, every day, and ask them to pray on my behalf. strength in numbers, for one thing, and also, these are people who pleased God in their lives and in their deaths, and perhaps He'll be favorably inclined toward them. anyway i've been praying a lot, and asking the saints for prayer, and here are a couple of things that have happened...
when i got back from california last week, there was a letter in the mail from a church in oklahoma. it was one of those mass-mailing things, not addressed to me personally, but no one else in my neighborhood who i know received one. anyway the letter told me of God's coming blessings for me, and enclosed was a paper prayer rug, that i was instructed to kneel upon as i prayed and presented my requests to God. this is the kind of hokey thing that i would normally just discard, but this time i was thinking, how do we know the ways of God? i've been praying for help, and who am i to say in what form that help should come? so i prayed on the rug, and then mailed it back to the church as instructed, along with my prayer requests. the people at the church will also pray for me.
so there's that.
then here's another thing. i had a job interview. (note: i think we can all agree that my financial situation is not going to just magically get better on its own - i'm either going to need to spend less money (not feasible, apparently), or make more money. and based on my history with my current job (almost 6 years there, no promotion, no opportunity for growth), it doesn't look like that's going to happen here. so i need another job, and wouldn't you know it, along comes an opportunity. a Big one). this job is one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to make a serious impact with a remarkable organization. it would be a big step up for me, a real chance to learn and grow and be seriously challenged. i'm so excited about the possibility... but. (isn't there always a but?). but... the job is in phoenix. yup. phoenix. which is a lovely place, i'm sure (it's a dry heat). but man. i just got back to denver, back where i feel at home, back where my parents and friends and mountains and sun are. after the last few years, of tumult and moving and hope and heartbreak- i finally feel like i'm home, and can put down roots and start again. so phoenix? it's not what i want. it's not what i had planned.
and then i have to think, you know, me doing the things i want, and the things i plan, doesn't seem to be working out so well. i'm 35, and broke, and fat, and alone... my own ideas and plans keep turning to shit.
so once again i have to say, maybe it's time to see where the prayers and the universe will lead me. i'm hoping and praying that some other option will present itself (and let's not get TOO ahead of ourselves, it was a job interview, not an offer), but i'm not going to say no, when i'm praying for a solution and surprising things show up.
so i'll keep you posted on that. and i'll ask for YOUR prayers too, while i'm at it - you and the saints probably have some serious firepower.
so back to the fat (not back fat, which i also have. gross). anyway, i'm back up into the 200's, which makes me want to spit. i joined a new gym very briefly (long enough to go to one workout, and then to be told the location in my neighborhood is closing) and then quit. it's for the best, even though i loved it - i can't afford it, and wasn't one of the reasons i bought this condo in the first place the fact that the building has a gym in the basement? yes, yes it was. anyway. no new gym, but i am going to try to run a bit more. and ride my bike (side note, i did a couple of great rides in california, which makes me want to live there. but then again, who DOESN'T want to live in monterey?). AND i'm doing a new diet starting tomorrow - don't the martha's vineyard diet detox. 21 days of no chewing, is what it boils down to. lots of green drink and berry antioxidant drink, and pureed vegetable soup, and some interesting "cleansing" capsules. have any of you ever done a detox or cleanse? i never have. so i'm interested to see how it will go! i like green drink but am not sure if i like it three times a day for three weeks. we shall see.
well i think that pretty much catches us up, right? one step forward, a step or two back. but i'm focusing on the forward, and being hopeful, and being thankful for my little tribe of cheerleaders.
love to you all.
it's been a long and tiring few weeks. i've been sick, the d-o-double-g has been sick, i've been traveling... lots of things not conducive to getting one's shit together. i've gone backwards in every way - more weight, more debt. i feel like a Perpetual Failure, and it's exhausting. i'm so tired of starting each new week thinking, THIS week will be different! THIS week i'll eat well, and exercise, and only buy things in cash... THIS week i'll finally gain some ground and get this shit TOGETHER!
ugh.
but i guess you can't ever just give up, can you. i mean, you CAN, but then you end up weighing 650 pounds and losing your house (along with the rest of your shit). and that doesn't seem like an option. somehow hope springs eternal, week after week, and i feel determined and optimistic all over again, despite the prior evidence which suggests that this week, too, will end in failure. but i honestly can't help thinking that one of these days, it's going to click, and i'm going to turn into the person that i've always wanted to be, and leave this strange self behind.
so let's see, let's catch up on the last few weeks. i got a strange lump in my throat that required multiple doctor visits, medications, and a CT scan, and which turned out to be (very thankfully) nothing serious. the pup broke a couple teeth, and then got a urinary tract infection, pancreatitis, and giardia (all on the same day) (it was an ugly night). between her vet bills and my copays and deductibles and what have you, we racked up around $1500 between us. but she's healthy and happy now, as am i, so it's well worth it from my perspective.
though i will say that the stress of having a sick pet, and the uncertainty of my own situation, along with a week of travel for work, caused me to go back to old habits of self soothing with snacks.
so here we are, a few weeks later. my weight this morning is 203. my financial situation is worse than before, though i don't know the exact numbers at the moment (and don't feel like looking it up). the one positive thing is that i got a couple of balance transfer offers, and was able to move some of the money around so that most of the credit card balances are now at 0% for a while. so that's at least a little victory.
i was talking to my mother a few weeks back about the whole money situation. i told her i need a patron saint, so she found me one. well actually, she found me five. i'm pleased to introduce you to my new friends, ivo, lawrence, matthew, nicholas, and roch. they are pretty cool guys, by all accounts, helping the poor and what have you. i've been talking to them every day, which is kind of strange seeing as how 1) i'm not catholic, and was thus raised to believe talking to saints was heretical and 2) they're dead. but i believe that being dead doesn't mean you cease to exist, so why does it mean you can't talk to someone? and i also am not PRAYING to them, just talking to them, so what harm is there in that? anyway i talk to them all, every day, and ask them to pray on my behalf. strength in numbers, for one thing, and also, these are people who pleased God in their lives and in their deaths, and perhaps He'll be favorably inclined toward them. anyway i've been praying a lot, and asking the saints for prayer, and here are a couple of things that have happened...
when i got back from california last week, there was a letter in the mail from a church in oklahoma. it was one of those mass-mailing things, not addressed to me personally, but no one else in my neighborhood who i know received one. anyway the letter told me of God's coming blessings for me, and enclosed was a paper prayer rug, that i was instructed to kneel upon as i prayed and presented my requests to God. this is the kind of hokey thing that i would normally just discard, but this time i was thinking, how do we know the ways of God? i've been praying for help, and who am i to say in what form that help should come? so i prayed on the rug, and then mailed it back to the church as instructed, along with my prayer requests. the people at the church will also pray for me.
so there's that.
then here's another thing. i had a job interview. (note: i think we can all agree that my financial situation is not going to just magically get better on its own - i'm either going to need to spend less money (not feasible, apparently), or make more money. and based on my history with my current job (almost 6 years there, no promotion, no opportunity for growth), it doesn't look like that's going to happen here. so i need another job, and wouldn't you know it, along comes an opportunity. a Big one). this job is one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to make a serious impact with a remarkable organization. it would be a big step up for me, a real chance to learn and grow and be seriously challenged. i'm so excited about the possibility... but. (isn't there always a but?). but... the job is in phoenix. yup. phoenix. which is a lovely place, i'm sure (it's a dry heat). but man. i just got back to denver, back where i feel at home, back where my parents and friends and mountains and sun are. after the last few years, of tumult and moving and hope and heartbreak- i finally feel like i'm home, and can put down roots and start again. so phoenix? it's not what i want. it's not what i had planned.
and then i have to think, you know, me doing the things i want, and the things i plan, doesn't seem to be working out so well. i'm 35, and broke, and fat, and alone... my own ideas and plans keep turning to shit.
so once again i have to say, maybe it's time to see where the prayers and the universe will lead me. i'm hoping and praying that some other option will present itself (and let's not get TOO ahead of ourselves, it was a job interview, not an offer), but i'm not going to say no, when i'm praying for a solution and surprising things show up.
so i'll keep you posted on that. and i'll ask for YOUR prayers too, while i'm at it - you and the saints probably have some serious firepower.
so back to the fat (not back fat, which i also have. gross). anyway, i'm back up into the 200's, which makes me want to spit. i joined a new gym very briefly (long enough to go to one workout, and then to be told the location in my neighborhood is closing) and then quit. it's for the best, even though i loved it - i can't afford it, and wasn't one of the reasons i bought this condo in the first place the fact that the building has a gym in the basement? yes, yes it was. anyway. no new gym, but i am going to try to run a bit more. and ride my bike (side note, i did a couple of great rides in california, which makes me want to live there. but then again, who DOESN'T want to live in monterey?). AND i'm doing a new diet starting tomorrow - don't the martha's vineyard diet detox. 21 days of no chewing, is what it boils down to. lots of green drink and berry antioxidant drink, and pureed vegetable soup, and some interesting "cleansing" capsules. have any of you ever done a detox or cleanse? i never have. so i'm interested to see how it will go! i like green drink but am not sure if i like it three times a day for three weeks. we shall see.
well i think that pretty much catches us up, right? one step forward, a step or two back. but i'm focusing on the forward, and being hopeful, and being thankful for my little tribe of cheerleaders.
love to you all.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
sick... again
sitting at home tonight, feeling like crap, on round, what, like 5? of antibiotics since moving to denver. this time i've got a swollen thing in my throat that caused my doctor to say, huh, i've never seen anything like THAT before. which is exactly what you WANT to hear, when you go to the doctor.
so i'm feeling sorry for myself, which generally equates to, stuffing myself sick. yesterday was 1) a going away day (it wasn't really a party, it was just donuts) for a colleague, followed by 2) an anniversary party for my boss (involving an enormous cake) and followed by 3) an anniversary dinner at a fabulous restaurant (complete with dessert). i ate more yesterday than i probably ate in the entire week preceding. then today i ate three gigantic cookies. so i'm deciding NOT to get on the scale in the morning.
i feel so tired, and beat down. early to bed tonight, and hoping for a brighter day tomorrow.
in other (and supremely more important) news, my sweet friend goldielocks lost her beloved aunt this past weekend. she's so sad- we're all so sad for her and with her. death is never gentle- it wrecks your heart every time. and it never fails to remind you of what's really important- namely, the people in your life, and the experiences you share with them. my weight, and the balance of my bank account, are not truly the measures of my life, and are not the things that will be remembered when i am gone. while i strive to get my sh!t together, i also want to strive to be a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better auntie. my thoughts and prayers are with goldie, and my love is with you all.
sweet dreams...
so i'm feeling sorry for myself, which generally equates to, stuffing myself sick. yesterday was 1) a going away day (it wasn't really a party, it was just donuts) for a colleague, followed by 2) an anniversary party for my boss (involving an enormous cake) and followed by 3) an anniversary dinner at a fabulous restaurant (complete with dessert). i ate more yesterday than i probably ate in the entire week preceding. then today i ate three gigantic cookies. so i'm deciding NOT to get on the scale in the morning.
i feel so tired, and beat down. early to bed tonight, and hoping for a brighter day tomorrow.
in other (and supremely more important) news, my sweet friend goldielocks lost her beloved aunt this past weekend. she's so sad- we're all so sad for her and with her. death is never gentle- it wrecks your heart every time. and it never fails to remind you of what's really important- namely, the people in your life, and the experiences you share with them. my weight, and the balance of my bank account, are not truly the measures of my life, and are not the things that will be remembered when i am gone. while i strive to get my sh!t together, i also want to strive to be a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better auntie. my thoughts and prayers are with goldie, and my love is with you all.
sweet dreams...
Sunday, April 1, 2012
well sh!t
wow so THAT resolution went well.
sorry about that, folks. this past week was a bit crazy, and i didn't blog like i promised i would. man. maybe i need a NEW blog, about getting my sh!t together as a blogger!
so let's see. it was a very busy, very stressful week, but one that ended up ending well.
i got the news from my property manager on monday that the d-o-double-g had been reported again, and that they were going to need me to bring in PROOF of her weight (backstory: my condo has a 35 pound weight limit for pets. i have a 70 pound pet, who i've been trying to pass off as 35 pounds. WHY i would do this is another story entirely). anyway, i got the call, and decided i couldn't perpetuate this deception any longer, and spent a couple of days a) in a full blown meltdown about losing the pup and b) steeling my nerves to go tell the truth to the property manager.
(you may or may not know what daisy means to me - she was with me through a tough marriage, and the falling-apart thereof, with me in my first-ever living-alone apartment, with me on a cross country move for a new relationship, with me in a strange city where i had no friends but massive personal upheaval, and with me when i hung my head (and my heart) and moved back across the country, to yet another living-alone home. she's been my shoulder to cry on for many tear-filled nights, by best buddy on early morning walks, she's listened to all my hopes and dreams, and she's never once not been beside herself with joy when i come home. if a dog can be a soul mate, she's mine.)
anyway i spent some days and sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do - i cried more this past week than i have in months. losing her means losing a part of myself that i'm not ready to give up.
so, long story short, i sat down with the property manager, told her the truth, braced myself for the worst... and got kindness and compassion where i was expecting anger and judgment. how about that? she was so understanding, and more angry at the person who complained about me than she was at me for breaking the rules. the end result is ultimately the same - namely, daisy can't stay here, but she is giving me all the time i need to figure it out (and even offered to "pet-share" daisy with me, part time at her house and part time at mine!). i still can hardly believe it. (note to self - be kinder and more forgiving than people expect)
so that explains my evenings - more full of angst than of blogging. i hope you forgive me.
but i also had some awesome times this week - i got free tickets to see jewel in concert (and even got the meet & greet passes, so i got my photo with her) and had the greatest date night ever with my girl ACE. my new book club had its first formal meeting, and we're reading the book i chose (whose (gorgeous) author i got to meet and listen to read earlier in the week) (gods without men, by hari kunzru, if you'd like to read along). i rode my bike to work 4 out of 5 days, did a 10 mile run yesterday, rode my bike today... and i learned some lessons about receiving love in unexpected ways from good friends. so all in all, it was a good week.
(oh and i ALSO discovered the greatest breakfast EVER - smoothies :o) 8 oz skim milk, 1 scoop vanilla whey powder, strawberries, frozen cherries, frozen peaches. Yow wow. no sugar, you'll notice, but SO INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS).
ok quick inventory: weight this morning was 195.5. i hope by next weeked i'll be at that magical number of 194 which will equal my first 20 pounds lost...
finances- nothing new to report. BUT i have a real financial question that i want your help with - please seriously think about this and give me your advice:
so my options with the dog are 1) give her away, 2) share her or 3) move somewhere where we can both live. i honestly can't imagine not having her with me, so i'm strongly considering #3. i'm thinking about moving out, renting out my condo, and living someplace else for the next year (or longer). i can probably find a relatively cheap apartment in the neighborhood, and if i can rent my current place out furnished, i bet i can rent it for about $1500 (possibly more?) per month, which would cover my mortgage and hoa. then if i found a cheaper place, i could actually make a profit with the condo, and use that money toward my debt. challenges would be obvious - namely, moving, but i have a few offers of furniture already, and i'm sure i could round up plenty of friends to help with the logistics... so it doesn't seem impossible. also, i feel like i'm in a much better place emotionally, where being in my beautiful and safe and and OWNED home isn't as critical to my well-being as it was when i moved in, so i feel like i can live in a smaller rental place and be much more ok with it that i would have been earlier. also i'm not SELLING the condo, obviously, so i'd still get the tax benefits etc.
it makes me incredibly nervous, leaving my stuff in a place where strangers will sit on my couch and sleep on my bed and put their things on my shelves. but ultimately, it's just stuff, right? but i have so much OTHER stuff, i wonder where i will keep all the things like books etc if i'm in a small place. will i have to get a storage unit? but my housing line item is the largest in my budget- cutting that in half would be HUGE in helping me get my financial sh!t together. there are pros and cons... please help me think through it!
(also, just for the record, i KNOW i should have thought this through earlier, like before i got the condo in the first place. i've berated myself enough about that already, and need to just figure out how best to move forward now, all things being what they are.)
of course my FIRST choice would be to keep daisy here with me, and not move, so if you're the praying type, you might offer that (seemingly impossible) request up on my behalf.
(also, in related news, we go back to the vet a week from tomorrow to re-check bloodwork- some sketchy results last time suggest all kinds of unpleasant possibilities. fingers and paws crossed that the medicine she's been on for the past 3 weeks has helped. if it hasn't, and it turns out she's sick, that may impact the situation as well).
thanks for your help, and for cheering me on... daisy says thanks too ;o)
sorry about that, folks. this past week was a bit crazy, and i didn't blog like i promised i would. man. maybe i need a NEW blog, about getting my sh!t together as a blogger!
so let's see. it was a very busy, very stressful week, but one that ended up ending well.
i got the news from my property manager on monday that the d-o-double-g had been reported again, and that they were going to need me to bring in PROOF of her weight (backstory: my condo has a 35 pound weight limit for pets. i have a 70 pound pet, who i've been trying to pass off as 35 pounds. WHY i would do this is another story entirely). anyway, i got the call, and decided i couldn't perpetuate this deception any longer, and spent a couple of days a) in a full blown meltdown about losing the pup and b) steeling my nerves to go tell the truth to the property manager.
(you may or may not know what daisy means to me - she was with me through a tough marriage, and the falling-apart thereof, with me in my first-ever living-alone apartment, with me on a cross country move for a new relationship, with me in a strange city where i had no friends but massive personal upheaval, and with me when i hung my head (and my heart) and moved back across the country, to yet another living-alone home. she's been my shoulder to cry on for many tear-filled nights, by best buddy on early morning walks, she's listened to all my hopes and dreams, and she's never once not been beside herself with joy when i come home. if a dog can be a soul mate, she's mine.)
anyway i spent some days and sleepless nights trying to figure out what to do - i cried more this past week than i have in months. losing her means losing a part of myself that i'm not ready to give up.
so, long story short, i sat down with the property manager, told her the truth, braced myself for the worst... and got kindness and compassion where i was expecting anger and judgment. how about that? she was so understanding, and more angry at the person who complained about me than she was at me for breaking the rules. the end result is ultimately the same - namely, daisy can't stay here, but she is giving me all the time i need to figure it out (and even offered to "pet-share" daisy with me, part time at her house and part time at mine!). i still can hardly believe it. (note to self - be kinder and more forgiving than people expect)
so that explains my evenings - more full of angst than of blogging. i hope you forgive me.
but i also had some awesome times this week - i got free tickets to see jewel in concert (and even got the meet & greet passes, so i got my photo with her) and had the greatest date night ever with my girl ACE. my new book club had its first formal meeting, and we're reading the book i chose (whose (gorgeous) author i got to meet and listen to read earlier in the week) (gods without men, by hari kunzru, if you'd like to read along). i rode my bike to work 4 out of 5 days, did a 10 mile run yesterday, rode my bike today... and i learned some lessons about receiving love in unexpected ways from good friends. so all in all, it was a good week.
(oh and i ALSO discovered the greatest breakfast EVER - smoothies :o) 8 oz skim milk, 1 scoop vanilla whey powder, strawberries, frozen cherries, frozen peaches. Yow wow. no sugar, you'll notice, but SO INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS).
ok quick inventory: weight this morning was 195.5. i hope by next weeked i'll be at that magical number of 194 which will equal my first 20 pounds lost...
finances- nothing new to report. BUT i have a real financial question that i want your help with - please seriously think about this and give me your advice:
so my options with the dog are 1) give her away, 2) share her or 3) move somewhere where we can both live. i honestly can't imagine not having her with me, so i'm strongly considering #3. i'm thinking about moving out, renting out my condo, and living someplace else for the next year (or longer). i can probably find a relatively cheap apartment in the neighborhood, and if i can rent my current place out furnished, i bet i can rent it for about $1500 (possibly more?) per month, which would cover my mortgage and hoa. then if i found a cheaper place, i could actually make a profit with the condo, and use that money toward my debt. challenges would be obvious - namely, moving, but i have a few offers of furniture already, and i'm sure i could round up plenty of friends to help with the logistics... so it doesn't seem impossible. also, i feel like i'm in a much better place emotionally, where being in my beautiful and safe and and OWNED home isn't as critical to my well-being as it was when i moved in, so i feel like i can live in a smaller rental place and be much more ok with it that i would have been earlier. also i'm not SELLING the condo, obviously, so i'd still get the tax benefits etc.
it makes me incredibly nervous, leaving my stuff in a place where strangers will sit on my couch and sleep on my bed and put their things on my shelves. but ultimately, it's just stuff, right? but i have so much OTHER stuff, i wonder where i will keep all the things like books etc if i'm in a small place. will i have to get a storage unit? but my housing line item is the largest in my budget- cutting that in half would be HUGE in helping me get my financial sh!t together. there are pros and cons... please help me think through it!
(also, just for the record, i KNOW i should have thought this through earlier, like before i got the condo in the first place. i've berated myself enough about that already, and need to just figure out how best to move forward now, all things being what they are.)
of course my FIRST choice would be to keep daisy here with me, and not move, so if you're the praying type, you might offer that (seemingly impossible) request up on my behalf.
(also, in related news, we go back to the vet a week from tomorrow to re-check bloodwork- some sketchy results last time suggest all kinds of unpleasant possibilities. fingers and paws crossed that the medicine she's been on for the past 3 weeks has helped. if it hasn't, and it turns out she's sick, that may impact the situation as well).
thanks for your help, and for cheering me on... daisy says thanks too ;o)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
motivation
it's been a week since i've posted, and honestly i thought i was the only one who was aware of that fact, until earlier today when someone said, i should post more frequently, because when i don't, it causes them to lose motivation.
bwaaaa hahahahahahaha!
true story, actually.
i'm surprised, and pleased, that someone other than myself derives some benefit from this blog. i have several friends who also blog, and it makes me feel pretty self-absorbed and narcissistic, since they blog about things like dogs having cancer and the application of the multi-sport lifestyle to life in general. all i care about is fat and money. sigh.
but anyway, the part that was most interesting to me, aside from someone noticing that i haven't posted lately, was the fact that it provides some form of motivation to someone else. i know that this person isn't facing the same challenges that i am, but perhaps there are correlations to facing other challenges.
anyway, far be it from me to deny someone their motivation, so i'll be a better blogger from now on.
the scale today said 197.0, which means i've lost 17 pounds since january 1. and i don't even have the stomach flu! pretty psyched about that. i don't feel a ton different, nor do i notice anything fun like old clothes fitting, but the numbers on the scale reinforce that my hard work is making a quantifiable difference, even if i don't feel it.
i did an 8 mile run with std yesterday (notice i did not say, i ran 8 miles yesterday. there were 8 miles, and i covered them on foot. close enough). std ran the whole way, and i have to say, she is awesome. this is a girl who, until we started training for this half marathon, had never run more than 3 miles at a time. i am SO proud of her! i am having nothing at all to do with her success, by the way, other than coercing her into signing up for the race- but it is SO AWESOME to see someone take on a new challenge and totally rock it. i LOVE that she has never run this far before, and is completely smoking me! it makes me think, who knows what we are capable of? what challenges are out there that i've never tackled, that i just might be awesome at??
i bought a new book on friday night (mom and i WERE going to go to a movie, but when we got there we discovered that the film was no longer at that theater, and should we drivedrivedrive across town to the OTHER theater, or just go to the bookstore? nuff said). my book is called, "this is why you're fat." ha! i love it. the basic reasons are, 1. sugar, 2. hormones, and 3. organ toxicity. the plan for correcting those things is pretty basic- being very consicentious about what you eat, cutting out all sugars and sweeteners, limiting alcohol and the other things that tax your liver. i haven't gotten very far in the book, but it really strikes a chord with what i've been thinking lately. i've been really good about not eating sugar most of the time, and i now notice that when i do eat it, i can instantly tell. it gives me a searing headache and makes me miserable for hours. not worth it.
in other fat news, the weather is AWESOME and it's so nice to be outside! for the next few days our parking garage at home will be closed so my car is parked further away... and so i'm going to be riding my bike to work. and i've got lunch time walks now scheduled into my calendar, so i'm hoping to make that happen a few times a week. i think i have to give up on the p90x - i did it for 8 or 9 days but man, it's hard, and waking up early to do it was killer. i think if i can focus on some exercise that i actually enjoy (more bike riding!) i'm more likely to actually do it.
i financial news, i made more bad decisions today. i bought a chair for my balcony and some new bike gear. none of it ABSOLUTELY necessary, but all contributing to my happiness. those are the hard decisions to make, i have to confess. i know i should choose in favor of financial health and long term consequences... i don't always make the best choice.
tonight i'm hanging out at home, doors open, chilling with the d-o-double-g, and resting up for another busy week. sending you all much love and LOTS of motivation ;o)
thanks for cheering me on!
bwaaaa hahahahahahaha!
true story, actually.
i'm surprised, and pleased, that someone other than myself derives some benefit from this blog. i have several friends who also blog, and it makes me feel pretty self-absorbed and narcissistic, since they blog about things like dogs having cancer and the application of the multi-sport lifestyle to life in general. all i care about is fat and money. sigh.
but anyway, the part that was most interesting to me, aside from someone noticing that i haven't posted lately, was the fact that it provides some form of motivation to someone else. i know that this person isn't facing the same challenges that i am, but perhaps there are correlations to facing other challenges.
anyway, far be it from me to deny someone their motivation, so i'll be a better blogger from now on.
the scale today said 197.0, which means i've lost 17 pounds since january 1. and i don't even have the stomach flu! pretty psyched about that. i don't feel a ton different, nor do i notice anything fun like old clothes fitting, but the numbers on the scale reinforce that my hard work is making a quantifiable difference, even if i don't feel it.
i did an 8 mile run with std yesterday (notice i did not say, i ran 8 miles yesterday. there were 8 miles, and i covered them on foot. close enough). std ran the whole way, and i have to say, she is awesome. this is a girl who, until we started training for this half marathon, had never run more than 3 miles at a time. i am SO proud of her! i am having nothing at all to do with her success, by the way, other than coercing her into signing up for the race- but it is SO AWESOME to see someone take on a new challenge and totally rock it. i LOVE that she has never run this far before, and is completely smoking me! it makes me think, who knows what we are capable of? what challenges are out there that i've never tackled, that i just might be awesome at??
i bought a new book on friday night (mom and i WERE going to go to a movie, but when we got there we discovered that the film was no longer at that theater, and should we drivedrivedrive across town to the OTHER theater, or just go to the bookstore? nuff said). my book is called, "this is why you're fat." ha! i love it. the basic reasons are, 1. sugar, 2. hormones, and 3. organ toxicity. the plan for correcting those things is pretty basic- being very consicentious about what you eat, cutting out all sugars and sweeteners, limiting alcohol and the other things that tax your liver. i haven't gotten very far in the book, but it really strikes a chord with what i've been thinking lately. i've been really good about not eating sugar most of the time, and i now notice that when i do eat it, i can instantly tell. it gives me a searing headache and makes me miserable for hours. not worth it.
in other fat news, the weather is AWESOME and it's so nice to be outside! for the next few days our parking garage at home will be closed so my car is parked further away... and so i'm going to be riding my bike to work. and i've got lunch time walks now scheduled into my calendar, so i'm hoping to make that happen a few times a week. i think i have to give up on the p90x - i did it for 8 or 9 days but man, it's hard, and waking up early to do it was killer. i think if i can focus on some exercise that i actually enjoy (more bike riding!) i'm more likely to actually do it.
i financial news, i made more bad decisions today. i bought a chair for my balcony and some new bike gear. none of it ABSOLUTELY necessary, but all contributing to my happiness. those are the hard decisions to make, i have to confess. i know i should choose in favor of financial health and long term consequences... i don't always make the best choice.
tonight i'm hanging out at home, doors open, chilling with the d-o-double-g, and resting up for another busy week. sending you all much love and LOTS of motivation ;o)
thanks for cheering me on!
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