a few updates to share, as the month winds down. i've had my condo "for rent" for a few weeks now with no real interest (perhaps because i've been asking a FORTUNE for it). but as the days have passed and the thought of moving becomes more of a reality... my heart and soul are screaming for me to find another way. i LOVE my home. i've been so unsettled for so long, and i finally have a place that is pretty, and safe, and comfortable, and decorated just how i want it... and most of all, MINE... i honestly can't bear to give it up. the thought of moving has been breaking my heart - it's too much.
so.
so i spent a good part of the weekend re-examining the financial situation. as it now stands, if i pay all my bills (including student loans) and the MINIMUMS on my credit cards, i will have about $100 left over each month for food, gas, etc. (which seems impossible... but of course, lots of people live on less than $100 a month. i'll just need to seriously reevaluate my habits. but if it means staying in my home, i think i could learn to LOVE beans and rice. for every meal). that also means that i can't put anything else ON the credit cards. and it means my credit cards will effectively NEVER get paid off.
anyway. realizing that this is not realistic nor the wisest course of action, i also applied for a student loan consolidation loan. no news yet on whether it's been approved... apparently they send you their decision in writing? because it's 1885 and email hasn't been invented yet? so i'm waiting by the mailbox to see what the decision is. my current payments are so high because a couple of the loans were on a 15 year plan, so if i could get them stretched out another 15 years or so, that would make a huge difference. i realize you end up paying SO MUCH MORE in the long run, but again, if it means i can keep my house in the short run, it's worth it.
also i will need to make more money - this hasn't changed. let's discuss.
option 1, the Potential Job in phoenix, appears to be (once again) off the table. (which is fine by me, by the way, living in phoenix is Not Appealing).
option 2, rock the R+F business, is still a possibility, though i find i don't have quite the personality to rock this as much as i'd hoped. i'm not giving up, but i just expect to make slow progress.
option 3, get a raise at the current job, is as likely as winning the lottery (which i don't play)
option 4, get a new job, still seems to be the only truly rational option.
but i HATE LOOKING FOR A JOB!!!
it is the worst thing EVER. you feel like a total loser and a perpetual failure and UGH it never ends (until you find a job, i guess). also my main stumbling block about finding a new job is, what on earth am i actually qualified to DO? i've been working in non profit for my entire career, and i have NO idea how my skills transfer over in to the "real" world. who has ideas about how to position oneself in an entirely new industry?
so that's my current situation with the finances. shit = still not together.
in other news, the fat shit = also still not together.
my weight continues to fluctuate wildly - i was at 194 on sunday morning, 198 today. it makes me want to scream and spit. my buddies ace and std and i are doing a 5-day sugar detox this week which ALSO makes me want to scream and spit, if only i had the energy. i have to say, i am one day into it, and i am furious and desperately sad and elated and confused and SO HUNGRY. we'll see if i can make it another 4 days. it shouldn't be this hard, should it? truly i am a sugar addict.
i did go for a couple of fun bike rides over the weekend. it's kind of lonely though - riding by yourself. i need some of my buddies (ahem, goldielocks) to join me!
so that's the latest, from the end of may. i honestly don't know how i'm going to get all this shit together.
xoxo
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
the scale don't lie
big victory today - my scale this morning said 194.0 - so i've officially lost 20 pounds since january 1. wow, it is HARD - and all the work seems so fruitless so often- but to see the numbers there in... well, not in print... in digital? anyway, seeing that number was pretty awesome. granted, i still have 40 or so to go- but i'm a third of the way there- in a third of a year... so perhaps NEXT january 1, that scale will be where i want.
so that was a nice way to start the day.
but let's see, it's been another long while since i've posted. sorry about that. but there's actually a reason for this, which i am having a hard time articulating. the reason is, my blog has a Lurker. there's someone who reads this (hasn't joined, never comments, just reads) - and thinks bad things about me. the Lurker judges me harshly - measures me against their own standards of behavior, and finds me lacking. the Lurker rolls their eyes and fumes about how the reason i am where i am is that i made a whole shit load of bad decisions, and i should stop being depressed about it, and i should take responsibility for it, and quit moaning about it to everyone else.
so when i write, i feel scorned and judged, which feels crappy.
so i'm just going to say to the Lurker, i scorn and judge myself PLENTY ALREADY, thank you, and if you don't want to read what i'm thinking and feeling, please just don't read it. please let me have this space to vent and cry and hope and imagine and ask for help. please take your hurtful presence someplace else, and leave me and this space in peace.
that feels better.
ok so shall we get caught up a bit? let's see - we got the fat part, which i'm skipping about. i'm currently doing a semi-cleanse, semi in that i can't actually bear to not eat for more than about 2.5 days, so after not chewing since sunday night, i made myself a big bowl of pasta and cheese tonight. it was delicious. but back to the pink drink and green drink tomorrow! i've got a 10 mile race on sunday, which will be ugly, since i haven't run a STEP since my half marathon about 5 weeks ago... yes, the half marathon that took me two and a half hours... so sunday's race will be a pisser, i can only imagine. but that being said, i'm actually looking forward to digging out my sporty clothes again and getting back into the swing of working out, running, cycling, etc. i've been a sloth for too long.
in money news... i was given the 'thanks but no thanks' on the job in phoenix, which was vaguely disappointing but honestly was a great blessing - that was such a cool job, it would have been VERY hard to say no to, and having to leave denver would have been harder than i think i could bear right now. but it leaves me in the position of still needing a better job. so.
i'm moving out of my beautiful condo.
it's breaking my heart, i have to admit it. but i don't see any other option. i have to have more money so i can pay my bills, and my housing is really the only thing i can change. so i'm putting it up for lease, and looking for a cheap place to move in to for the next year or two (hopefully just one). please say a couple of prayers on my behalf - that i can find a good renter who will pay what i'm asking, and that i can find a nice, safe, cheap place to live where daisy will also be welcome.
this is stressing me out and bumming me out. a lot. but i'm powering through- what else can you do?
fortunately, i've had some awesome support - mom and dad, and sisko and ace, and std and goldielocks and baby new wash, are all so amazing and supportive. i'm grateful that i'm not alone. i've been given dishes and wine glasses, and gift cards for groceries, had offers of furniture and temporary housing, and cards in the mail, and dinners out... it all makes me feel so much more hopeful, and not alone.
i'm also looking (half-heartedly) for a new job. i ultimately need to make more money, in addition to spending less. and also, i need to work someplace where smarts and talent and hard work are recognized and rewarded, vs. ignored and taken for granted. so there's another prayer for your ever-growing list, if you don't mind.
one thing i will highly recommend, while we're at it, is that you all go to your linkedin profile and ask former (and current?) colleagues for recommendations. wow. i did that this week, and 6 or 8 people have responded, and holy cow, talk about an ego boost. after working in a place for 6 years where my boss has never once told me i've done a good job, to read the nice things that other people have to say about me has been so uplifting and encouraging. it turns out that i DO have something to offer, and i DO make a difference, and people DO value and appreciate me. it's nice.
so what else.
fat, finances... those are my two big issues for now. we'll work on the other ones some other day. in the meantime, thanks for walking this walk with me - thanks for cheering me on!
so that was a nice way to start the day.
but let's see, it's been another long while since i've posted. sorry about that. but there's actually a reason for this, which i am having a hard time articulating. the reason is, my blog has a Lurker. there's someone who reads this (hasn't joined, never comments, just reads) - and thinks bad things about me. the Lurker judges me harshly - measures me against their own standards of behavior, and finds me lacking. the Lurker rolls their eyes and fumes about how the reason i am where i am is that i made a whole shit load of bad decisions, and i should stop being depressed about it, and i should take responsibility for it, and quit moaning about it to everyone else.
so when i write, i feel scorned and judged, which feels crappy.
so i'm just going to say to the Lurker, i scorn and judge myself PLENTY ALREADY, thank you, and if you don't want to read what i'm thinking and feeling, please just don't read it. please let me have this space to vent and cry and hope and imagine and ask for help. please take your hurtful presence someplace else, and leave me and this space in peace.
that feels better.
ok so shall we get caught up a bit? let's see - we got the fat part, which i'm skipping about. i'm currently doing a semi-cleanse, semi in that i can't actually bear to not eat for more than about 2.5 days, so after not chewing since sunday night, i made myself a big bowl of pasta and cheese tonight. it was delicious. but back to the pink drink and green drink tomorrow! i've got a 10 mile race on sunday, which will be ugly, since i haven't run a STEP since my half marathon about 5 weeks ago... yes, the half marathon that took me two and a half hours... so sunday's race will be a pisser, i can only imagine. but that being said, i'm actually looking forward to digging out my sporty clothes again and getting back into the swing of working out, running, cycling, etc. i've been a sloth for too long.
in money news... i was given the 'thanks but no thanks' on the job in phoenix, which was vaguely disappointing but honestly was a great blessing - that was such a cool job, it would have been VERY hard to say no to, and having to leave denver would have been harder than i think i could bear right now. but it leaves me in the position of still needing a better job. so.
i'm moving out of my beautiful condo.
it's breaking my heart, i have to admit it. but i don't see any other option. i have to have more money so i can pay my bills, and my housing is really the only thing i can change. so i'm putting it up for lease, and looking for a cheap place to move in to for the next year or two (hopefully just one). please say a couple of prayers on my behalf - that i can find a good renter who will pay what i'm asking, and that i can find a nice, safe, cheap place to live where daisy will also be welcome.
this is stressing me out and bumming me out. a lot. but i'm powering through- what else can you do?
fortunately, i've had some awesome support - mom and dad, and sisko and ace, and std and goldielocks and baby new wash, are all so amazing and supportive. i'm grateful that i'm not alone. i've been given dishes and wine glasses, and gift cards for groceries, had offers of furniture and temporary housing, and cards in the mail, and dinners out... it all makes me feel so much more hopeful, and not alone.
i'm also looking (half-heartedly) for a new job. i ultimately need to make more money, in addition to spending less. and also, i need to work someplace where smarts and talent and hard work are recognized and rewarded, vs. ignored and taken for granted. so there's another prayer for your ever-growing list, if you don't mind.
one thing i will highly recommend, while we're at it, is that you all go to your linkedin profile and ask former (and current?) colleagues for recommendations. wow. i did that this week, and 6 or 8 people have responded, and holy cow, talk about an ego boost. after working in a place for 6 years where my boss has never once told me i've done a good job, to read the nice things that other people have to say about me has been so uplifting and encouraging. it turns out that i DO have something to offer, and i DO make a difference, and people DO value and appreciate me. it's nice.
so what else.
fat, finances... those are my two big issues for now. we'll work on the other ones some other day. in the meantime, thanks for walking this walk with me - thanks for cheering me on!
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