one week later

hi, loyal readers.  um, reader.

i still have only told a few people about this, and i'm hesitant to tell more people.  i feel so OUT there and vulnerable.  and ashamed, if i'm being honest.  i hate admitting to people the truth about where i am - where i've let myself get to.

where have i gotten to?  well it's sunday, and in typical it's-ALMOST-the-start-of-a-new-week fashion, i ordered a pizza for dinner, seeing as how i'll start my new diet tomorrow, and all.  i'm not sure why i do the things i do not want to do, and what i want to do, i don't.  perhaps paul has some advice.  i got home, and have a cold, and dad's birthday party was rescheduled, and i had no plans and felt so bereft...  and pizza filled the void.

obviously up until now i've completely glossed over any of the actual reasons why i overeat.  it's not really about the yumminess of food (although it IS awfully yummy), i know.  and you know.  we both know, and we know that i know.  what it's really about is my using food as a distraction, as a medication, as a substitute.  it helps me not feel all the things i don't want to feel.  and the problem is, it works.  at least temporarily. 

i just got back home from an awesome weekend in atlanta with three of my greatest friends in the world.  being with them is always good - it's fun, it's educational (they know way more about celebrity gossip and college conferences that i can even believe), and it's fortifying.  we have been friends for a long time- through many hard times.  being with people who know me so well and who have been with me through so much is always refreshing - it lets me relax in ways i generaly can't.  this weekend was a bit different for me though - i didn't want to talk about how i'm doing or what i'm feeling, and i was very nearly successful in avoiding any real discussion about my own situation altogether.  i got cornered with a few poignant questions late last night, but overall i avoided much of any discusison about my personal life at the moment.

which is good, because i'm a mess.  i seriously don't have my shit together.

i've never felt so sad and hopeless ever before in my life.  being overweight and underfinanced is a big part of it - both cause of and effect of.  it's been an extremely hard year- multiple sicknesses, my first DNSs (more than one) at races, steady weight gain, being passed over for a promotion that i had EARNED, a slow and wrenching breakup, a move back "home" where nothing was as i had left it, noticibly aging parents, a downward financial spiral, and a heartbreak that won't heal.  i feel lost, and utterly hopeless.  i don't see a happy future.  i am so tired of the constant struggle that never gets me anywhere.  i need to feel some success, some result from my efforts.  but i even sabotage myself- and i never move forward.  i'm in a deep black hole, and i can't get out.


anyway.  all of this is to say, i don't feel like i'll be able to get a real handle on my eating/weight issues until i can address my emotional/psychological issues.

which probably would require going to a therapist.  which would probably require PAYING said therapist.  which i can't afford.

ugh.

the 'experts' suggest getting exercise, and sunlight, and spending time with positive people, and having a pet, as inexpensive depression aids.  well, i've got those things, and am doing my best to take advantage of them all. 

and i've got you, cheering me on, and so i'm not ready to give up quite yet.

tomorrow IS a new day, after all.