history of the f's

i had a great run with std today - it's about 65 degrees in denver today, with a little breeze...  it's pretty amazing.  we did (almost) 6 miles, from her house down along cherry creek. it was so beautiful, i (almost) forgot i was suffering running.  i couldn't quite make it the full 6, but std was a sport about it and didn't complain that we walked the last 3/4 of a mile home.  i love running with her because a) she's awesome and b) she is a stronger runner than i am, so she can keep up a conversation while i am huffing and puffing - it's so much easier to keep going when someone is telling you an interesting story.

so one of our topics of conversation was this blog.  she's read it and is a big cheerleader for me and all, but her feedback was that i need to remember to be kind to myself in this process, and acknowledge what i've gone through to get to this place (both good and bad).  i didn't just randomly get fat and broke.

so i thought maybe i should back up a bit, and give you a little history, so you have a better understanding of how i got to this place in my life.

so you know i'm 35 and single.  well i haven't always been single (nor have i always been 35, i suppose).  i got married when i was 21 to my college boyfriend.  we'd been dating for a year and a half when he proposed, and got married 10 months later.  there are lots of reasons why i thought it was a good idea to get married, which we don't need to get in to, but if you remember being 21, you will likely agree that it is not the best age to get married.  anyway, i was pretty unhappy right from the start.  we had some really good times together, and he was not a horrible person, but he was not a good husband to me.  and i was not a good wife to him.  let me also add here that he is a doctor (well he is now- he was a medical student and a resident when we were married.  this did not help).  one effect of this on our life is that we pretty much threw financial caution to the wind, with the rationale that, well, he's going to be a doctor soon, and we'll have more than enough money to pay off all these debts etc.   i went to grad school, took out all the loans i could posisbly take, and we used the leftover money to go on vacations, buy computers, etc etc etc.  knowing we were being a bit irresponsible, but also knowing that in a few years his income would be in the 6 figures.  so we racked up a lot of debt.

well you already know how this story ends.  i hired a lawyer, we got divorced, and suddenly i was faced with the reality of having no where to live (we had a house, but i couldn't afford the mortgage, so he kept it) and being completely overwhelmed with debt.  i had my car and my clothes, and a chair and a desk and my books and some bookshelves.  and i had to start over.  so i moved in with mom and dad while i tried to figure out what to do with myself.  (just as an aside - living with your parents when you are in your 30's is pretty depressing, i have to say.  they were amazing, and so supportive, but i could barely believe that this is what it had come to- broke, alone, and living in my parents' basement.  i joked with friends about living with the mole people - but honestly, that's what it felt like.  i was under ground, both physically and emotionally). i eventually found a cute little apartment, and furnished it using my credit cards.  what could i do?  my pride wouldn't let me stay there any longer.  and you have to have plates, right?  and glasses, and a microwave, and countless other things that cost money, that you don't have.  so fast forward a few years, and i gave away all my things and moved to new york to live with my new boyfriend, spent a lot of money i didn't have to get there, and to sustain our life there, and then to come back with my tail between my legs when it didn't work out, and start over all over again.  i don't know if you have ever felt this way...  but this was now the second time in my life when a romantic breakup had resulted in me being without a place to live. of course i had places to GO - friends offered to let me stay with them etc, but i couldn't bear to do that again, to be a guest in someone else's house, even my parents'.  it was panic, fear, and such deep sadness.  i'm a pretty empowered sort of woman, and that feeling of fear and helplessness is something i vowed i would never feel again.

so i bought a condo.  it's a beautiful place, and i'm going to own it til the day i die.  i don't care if i get married again or not, if i live in this country or in timbuktu...  i will always have this place to go home to.  this gives me so much comfort and peace, i can't explain it.  the security means the world to me.

however, true to form, buying the condo was probably not the wisest FINANCIAL decision, even though it was definitely the best emotional decision.  it costs just slightly more than i can afford.  i had to borrow money from my sister to furnish it (better than putting it on the credit cards at least!), and make a giant withdrawal from my 403(b) for the downpayment.  it was tough, and it will be tough for a while.  but man, i sit here on my couch and look around, and i'm SAFE, and i'm in my OWN home, and these things are mine, and I'll never be homeless again.

daisy likes it too.

so all of these things together bring me to the financial situation i am currently in.  lots of bad decisions, and also lots of feeling like i had no other options (must buy a set of sheets, must buy groceries).  so many times, those things were bought on credit.  and the student loans, which are looming...  i took out SO much more than i needed, and SO much more than i can repay.  i'm ashamed, i regret it, i wish i could change it.  but i can't, and i'm committed to paying back what i owe (that always makes me feel like i'm some kind of convict- like i owe a debt to society).  it's so HARD but i'm willing to do what i have to do.

so that's the history of f #1 (finances).   the history of f #2 (fat) is less complicated.  i was unhappy, i got fat, i got happier, i got thinner.  i got unhappier, i got fatter.  food is so much more than just nutrition.  it's a friend when you are lonely, it's a therapist when you are angry, it's company when you're bored...  ultimately it's a distraction from the feelings you don't want to feel.  over the years there has been a lot of pain and sadness and anger and devastation...  eating a cupcake makes it a little more bearable.  and food is also a celebration when you're happy- it's what you do when you're home, when you're with your friends and your family, when things feel good and right.  i mask the bad feelings with food - i prolong the good feelings with food.

it's one thing to recognize these patterns, it's another thing to change them.  i'm trying - to fuel my body, and to feel what i feel.

that is a long post.  are you even interested in these things?  i don't know.  but i am - it's helpful to look back sometimes, and see how far you've come.  i'm lonely now - living alone has a lot of great benefits but i really really miss having someone to share my life with.  but when i look back, and remember where i was, and what the years have been like- i'm proud to be where i am.  and i'll take the fat and the financial ruin as scars, signs that i have fought to stay alive, fought to take care of myself in the only ways i've known how, and i can be thankful that i am here, now, intact both physically and emotionally, and moving forward with my life, making changes,  making a new life.

thanks for cheering me on.