away for so long

sorry, friends.  it's been a while, i know.  and after i promised to try harder, even. 

it's been a long and tiring few weeks.  i've been sick, the d-o-double-g has been sick, i've been traveling...  lots of things not conducive to getting one's shit together.  i've gone backwards in every way - more weight, more debt.  i feel like a Perpetual Failure, and it's exhausting.  i'm so tired of starting each new week thinking, THIS week will be different!  THIS week i'll eat well, and exercise, and only buy things in cash...  THIS week i'll finally gain some ground and get this shit TOGETHER!

ugh.

but i guess you can't ever just give up, can you.  i mean, you CAN, but then you end up weighing 650 pounds and losing your house (along with the rest of your shit).  and that doesn't seem like an option.  somehow hope springs eternal, week after week, and i feel determined and optimistic all over again, despite the prior evidence which suggests that this week, too, will end in failure.  but i honestly can't help thinking that one of these days, it's going to click, and i'm going to turn into the person that i've always wanted to be, and leave this strange self behind.

so let's see, let's catch up on the last few weeks.  i got a strange lump in my throat that required multiple doctor visits, medications, and a CT scan, and which turned out to be (very thankfully) nothing serious.  the pup broke a couple teeth, and then got a urinary tract infection, pancreatitis, and giardia (all on the same day) (it was an ugly night).  between her vet bills and my copays and deductibles and what have you, we racked up around $1500 between us.  but she's healthy and happy now, as am i, so it's well worth it from my perspective.

though i will say that the stress of having a sick pet, and the uncertainty of my own situation, along with a week of travel for work, caused me to go back to old habits of self soothing with snacks.

so here we are, a few weeks later.  my weight this morning is 203.  my financial situation is worse than before, though i don't know the exact numbers at the moment (and don't feel like looking it up).  the one positive thing is that i got a couple of balance transfer offers, and was able to move some of the money around so that most of the credit card balances are now at 0% for a while.  so that's at least a little victory.

i was talking to my mother a few weeks back about the whole money situation.  i told her i need a patron saint, so she found me one.  well actually, she found me five.  i'm pleased to introduce you to my new friends, ivo, lawrence, matthew, nicholas, and roch.  they are pretty cool guys, by all accounts, helping the poor and what have you. i've been talking to them every day, which is kind of strange seeing as how 1) i'm not catholic, and was thus raised to believe talking to saints was heretical and 2) they're dead.  but i believe that being dead doesn't mean you cease to exist, so why does it mean you can't talk to someone?  and i also am not PRAYING to them, just talking to them, so what harm is there in that?  anyway i talk to them all, every day, and ask them to pray on my behalf.  strength in numbers, for one thing, and also, these are people who pleased God in their lives and in their deaths, and perhaps He'll be favorably inclined toward them.  anyway i've been praying a lot, and asking the saints for prayer, and here are a couple of things that have happened...

when i got back from california last week, there was a letter in the mail from a church in oklahoma.  it was one of those mass-mailing things, not addressed to me personally, but no one else in my neighborhood who i know received one.  anyway the letter told me of God's coming blessings for me, and enclosed was a paper prayer rug, that i was instructed to kneel upon as i prayed and presented my requests to God.  this is the kind of hokey thing that i would normally just discard, but this time i was thinking, how do we know the ways of God?  i've been praying for help, and who am i to say in what form that help should come?  so i prayed on the rug, and then mailed it back to the church as instructed, along with my prayer requests.  the people at the church will also pray for me. 

so there's that.

then here's another thing.  i had a job interview.  (note: i think we can all agree that my financial situation is not going to just magically get better on its own - i'm either going to need to spend less money (not feasible, apparently), or make more money.  and based on my history with my current job (almost 6 years there, no promotion, no opportunity for growth), it doesn't look like that's going to happen here.  so i need another job, and wouldn't you know it, along comes an opportunity.  a Big one).  this job is one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to make a serious impact with a remarkable organization.  it would be a big step up for me, a real chance to learn and grow and be seriously challenged.  i'm so excited about the possibility...  but.  (isn't there always a but?).  but...  the job is in phoenix.  yup.  phoenix.  which is a lovely place, i'm sure (it's a dry heat).  but man.  i just got back to denver, back where i feel at home, back where my parents and friends and mountains and sun are.  after the last few years, of tumult and moving and hope and heartbreak- i finally feel like i'm home, and can put down roots and start again.  so phoenix?  it's not what i want.  it's not what i had planned. 

and then i have to think, you know, me doing the things i want, and the things i plan, doesn't seem to be working out so well.  i'm 35, and broke, and fat, and alone...  my own ideas and plans keep turning to shit.

so once again i have to say, maybe it's time to see where the prayers and the universe will lead me.  i'm hoping and praying that some other option will present itself (and let's not get TOO ahead of ourselves, it was a job interview, not an offer), but i'm not going to say no, when i'm praying for a solution and surprising things show up.

so i'll keep you posted on that.  and i'll ask for YOUR prayers too, while i'm at it - you and the saints probably have some serious firepower.


so back to the fat  (not back fat, which i also have.  gross).  anyway, i'm back up into the 200's, which makes me want to spit.  i joined a new gym very briefly (long enough to go to one workout, and then to be told the location in my neighborhood is closing) and then quit.  it's for the best, even though i loved it - i can't afford it, and wasn't one of the reasons i bought this condo in the first place the fact that the building has a gym in the basement?  yes, yes it was.  anyway.  no new gym, but i am going to try to run a bit more.  and ride my bike (side note, i did a couple of great rides in california, which makes me want to live there.  but then again, who DOESN'T want to live in monterey?).  AND i'm doing a new diet starting tomorrow - don't the martha's vineyard diet detox.  21 days of no chewing, is what it boils down to.  lots of green drink and berry antioxidant drink, and pureed vegetable soup, and some interesting  "cleansing" capsules.  have any of you ever done a detox or cleanse?  i never have.  so i'm interested to see how it will go!  i like green drink but am not sure if i like it three times a day for three weeks.  we shall see.

well i think that pretty much catches us up, right?  one step forward, a step or two back.  but i'm focusing on the forward, and being hopeful, and being thankful for my little tribe of cheerleaders.

love to you all.