my best life

i came across an ad in a magazine a few weeks ago (i think it was for a hotel) that said, 'come back to your best self.'  it stopped me cold. it made me want to cry. (i don't often get a lump in my throat from an advertisement).  i ripped it out of the magazine and have been carrying it around with me ever since.

come back to your best self.


come back.

(but i don't know where to come back to...  i don't know where i left her)


i do know that i am not my best self right now.  i am not living my best life.  and i have no one to blame but myself.  for quite a while now i've been making excuses, feeling sorry for myself, giving in to the desires and whims of my basic nature, not holding myself accountable to my true higher self.  i'm so disappointed in myself.  so tired and sick of who i have become.

i want to be my best self.  i want to be someone i'm proud of.  i want to be healthy, i want to be a good friend, i want to be a good daughter and sister, i want to be true to who i am and work to achieve the life i want to live.

it feels so overwhelming though.  i'm so far from where i want to be.  i'm fat and lazy.  i'm working at a job that doesn't challenge or fulfill me.  i'm not pursuing my interests and passions.  i'm in serious debt.  this isn't who i want to be- this isn't me at my best. 

i'm disappointed.

i know i'm capable of so much more.  i've been given so much - brains and talent and opportunities - and i feel like i'm wasting it all.  i'm moving through my life but am i really LIVING it?  am i taking advantage of what's in front of me?  am i observant, and grateful, and active? i think for the most part, i'm not.  i'm going through all the motions- going to work, doing the laundry, taking the dog for little walks.  but i'm not using my brain, i'm not keeping my body healthy and strong, i'm not giving back to my community and world.  my life is passing me by while i sit in my house and watch the trees cycle through their colors.

so i've been thinking, and asking myself over and over, what is my best self?  what does my best life look like?  especially within the constraints that i'm faced with (honoring my debts, caring for my dog, living within my means).  what does my best ME look like?


i did a few things this week to point me in the right direction.  i invited a friend over for dinner tonight (she couldn't come, but if i want to spend time with my friends, why do i wait for them to invite ME?).  i bought a book of local hikes (if i love hiking in colorado, why do i not go?  why do i constantly make excuses?).  i bought a long-overdue pair of running shoes (i have a half marathon in 3 weeks that i haven't started training for.  my old shoes were awful.  my new ones are cheap but adequate).  i took several days off of work and did all the things i've been putting off (filing all the bills and paperwork, cleaning the kitchen, running endless errands).  my life feels organized, and i have everything i need.  i make so many excuses for not doing what i need to do (and even WANT to do) - i'm waiting until i have a boyfriend, i'm waiting until i find a friend who also likes to do the thing i want to do, i'm waiting until i'm thinner, i'm waiting until someone asks me...  i don't want to keep waiting.  i want to live my best life NOW.

so what is the best me?   the best me works every day to be strong in body and strong in mind and strong in character.  this means that the best me eats carefully, and exercises every day.  the best me reads books more and watches tv less.  the best me reaches out to my friends.  the best me rides my bike and goes hiking and takes the dog for long walks.  the best me doesn't spend money that i don't have, and doesn't buy things that i don't need.  the best me is never so 'poor' as to not be generous with anyone who needs it - friend or stranger.

i want to be a better person.  someone you are proud to call your friend.  someone your kids think is cool.  someone your parents approve of you hanging out with ;o)  i want to live every day like it's january 1 and i'm pursuing a list of resolutions.  wake up early, work out, enjoy the sunrise, pack a healthy lunch, take the stairs, be kind to my friends and colleagues, take a walk at lunch, do my work with a good attitude, spend quality time with the d-o-double-g, my friends, and my family, write letters, sweep up the dog hair.  i know this is all unrealistic to think i will do every day - but i want it to be the rule, rather than the exception.

so i'm not going to wait until monday, like i do with all my regular 'resolutions.'  i'm starting now.  i'm going to turn off the computer and play with the pup.  and then i'm going to write a letter.  and then go to bed early, so i can wake up and get some exercise, and make the most of the day.

thanks for cheering me on, friends.